This is kind of silly/stupid/overdramatic and I’ve never posted something to Reddit before but I wanted to know people’s opinions. I feel like taking a bribe was petty so I still feel assholey over it even though it was almost a year ago. I’m (26 now) live with my parents and am dependent on them. I know that me depending on them is a burden, so I help around the house and go out w/ them when they want company.
I’m afab and identify as nb/masc, but I don’t tell this to my family bc they’re very conservative. I kept my hair long and girly for years, the shortest I ever had was a bob at 17.
When I was about 22-23, I had a traumatizing out-of-country family trip, long story short my mental health crisis made me want to cut my hair even shorter for the first time (Think Sebastian from SDV, but shorter.)
My ma was shocked but said she was fine with it since I had one long lock I kept, but a few days later I cut that too. I felt comforted by the hairstyle, was amazed how easy it was to wash, and felt comfortable when people couldn’t tell if I was a boy or a girl. I also didn’t get yelled at for dropping long hair on the floor anymore. I kept going with even shorter cuts and felt great for awhile.
But then my parents started bothering me, making comments at least every week about how my long hair looked prettier, how unflattering the bare back of my neck was, and how I had to be considerate of my parents who had to look at me everyday and see how ugly my hair is (they said that they’re not calling me ugly, but my hair. isn’t that a part of me though?)
I tried to ignore it for about a year, but if I cried or reacted badly, my ma got upset at me. It didn’t feel good having my hair be called ugly so often.
They started bribing me to let me grow my hair back. They said I could dye it crazy colors again if I just went long, I said no. Then they started bribing me with money.
I kept saying no, but at some point I told them I would grow my hair long again if they bought me an expensive drawing tablet I was eyeing. They agreed, bought it, and I grew my hair out.
I felt really disgusted at myself, for using my parents’ money to get what I want, plus the long hair made me feel so detached from my body. The image of myself didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. I found a compromise cut where part is short and part is long, which helps, but I still feel hurt while still using that art tablet. My ma says my past girlier hair looks prettier, but I try to ignore the comments and smile.
I feel like an asshole for bribing them and getting what I want, and I kinda wish I can go short again, but while I live with them I figured I kinda have to go with what they want. I wonder if I’m not understanding something, like some kind of generational or cultural difference that makes what I did shitty. AITA for using my parents’ money to get an expensive art tablet so they would stop complaining about my hair being too short? Should I have resolved this another way w/out using my parents’ money?
EDIT:
after posting this, I’ve kind of realized this is less about the silly hair and more about me needing to just move out and make the steps to just get out. After I finish my commitments this month and help my mom with her trip, I’ll get my shit together. Thanks for the advice everyone
You are 26. Why are you still living with your parents? Move out and do wtfe you want with your hair.
Honestly yeah, I keep telling myself that and I think the work I’m doing isn’t doing good enough to help me move out. I’m embarrassed that I’m at this age and still stuck at home lol
I’m trying to give this thing another year before I try something else or just, change career paths altogether.
Have you looked into alternative living situations like getting a roommate or finding a house share? I’m not trying to be an ass, but at this point, living with strangers would likely be better than being miserable in your parents’ house.
You need to stop worrying about your parents and start thinking about you. If you can’t tell them the truth at least shut them up and tell them you can’t handle their superficial comments anymore. If you really feel bad about the tablet, give it back and cut your hair. NTA, but you need to find a place where you can exist comfortably.
I’m a bit afraid of giving them too much attitude by mistake, but I do try to avoid the conversation about my hair. I have friends that I talk to that don’t care about my looks and don’t give me problems about my identity, so I do have a social space like that. I just kind of wish my family could stop talking about my hair still, but if I say something I worry I’ll make my mom angry again. While I live with them, I suppose ignoring the comments is just the way to go?
I don’t think I’m like, morally great about this because I do genuinely like the tablet and don’t want to give it back. Maybe I could slowly pay them back or subtly give them gifts to repay them for the tablet without giving the real reason attention?
NTA but this is not a healthy living situation for you. Your parents don’t support you and are willing to bribe you to get what they want. That is not normal. Get out of there ASAP.
I do love my parents and they do support me in a lot of things– but I do agree that I should make the moves to just move out soon. I promised my mom I’d accompany her and help her with a two-month long trip, but after that maybe I should make actual moves and plans to move out…
I appreciate you wrote a post about hair and a tablet. But in it you say you’re 26 years old, live with your parents and are dependent on them. But you don’t explain why you’re dependent.
Please focus on making yourself independent, consistent with your age.
Good luck 🤞
Why are you still living at home? Move and do what you want to do.
Keep art as the ultimate goal but get a job that pays enough that you can start saving for an apartment. You can’t live forever in limbo, pretending to be something you are not. Side gigs can include telemarketing, driving for Uber or Doordash or something else. Look at it as an investment in your future. Good luck!
I think that’s a good idea… I really don’t like feeling in limbo like this either. After I finish some commitments this month and come back home at around June, I should really get to applying to other jobs. My family doesn’t like the idea of me applying to certain jobs because they think my skills should be applied to other things, but realistically I don’t make a lot of money with the skills I do have. I love art but it can’t support me on it’s own…
EDIT: Or maybe that’s something I should start looking for now, regardless, to come to think of it…