I (20) have a Gf (19) who always wants to go exploring abandoned buildings. Don’t get me wrong it is fun but I liked doing it more when we were younger. Idk I feel like I have more too loose if I get arrested for trespassing. She wants to go explore these different places but I just feel bad because I don’t wanna go. I told her she can go by herself or I will wait in the car but I know that doesn’t sound fun for her. We are both in college and the job she wants to get later she said she cannot have anything on her record when worst comes to worst you know what can happen and I don’t want that on my record. I don’t know if I’m just being an asshole maybe I am because I think sometimes I do make her think that I wanna go and then back out. But I just feel like I have more to lose than I have to gain and a lot of the places that she wants to go to I don’t really know nor have I been to which I get is the point but I don’t know the area so I don’t know how much they patrol around here. Maybe I shouldn’t lead her onto the fact that I potentially want to go but I just feel bad because I feel bad saying no but at the same time I really am not interested in going. I just don’t know what to do because she always wants to go and that’s not really something I want to do anymore.
I mean, ESH.
She is in the wrong for risking a criminal record for both of you.
But at the same time, you said “sometimes I do make her think that I wanna go and then back out.” You have to communicate your feelings clearly here. If you don’t want to go, explain that to her clearly in a respectful tone.
NTA. People grow out of things. Just because it used to be fun doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it if it could cause legal trouble
But he does need to let her know. He can’t keep stringing her along saying he’ll go with her and then sit in the car playing on his phone.
NAH, but you’re close, OP.
Realizing that you don’t want to spelunk in abandoned buildings isn’t something to be ashamed of, but neither is still wanting to go exploring in abandoned buildings. The slippery slope towards A-holery that you find yourself on, OP, is that you’re not being clear in refusing to go. I respect all of your reasons, but you have to tell them to your girlfriend completely, and let her know that you’re not interested in this hobby anymore. No maybes, no leading her on and then dropping out. Be clear and be honest.
And then make sure she takes a friend when she goes without you. I know a lot of people do this solo, and you don’t want to come across as controlling, but encourage some company when she goes if she can.
As for her own needs for a clean record, she’s an adult and making her own choices, just like you are. If she loses out on that dream job for an abandoned motel, that was her own choice.
Yeah, mostly NAH, but don’t lead her on
Don’t go into any abandoned buildings with her. GF needs to grow up. Trust your instincts on this one. You do not want and trespassing charges on your record. It’s also extremely dangerous ppl, junkies, mentally ill people and potential killers could be hiding in a building you think is abandoned. You don’t want to walk in on a bad scene because the potential perpetrator will turn on you too as a witness. The chances of you coming up on something really bad are super high and you don’t want to risk it. People can lie on you and say you stole something out of the buildings, cops can put false charges on you and claim you were stealing copper pipes etc.. Do not put yourself in that position under any circumstances. If GF wants a thrill tell her to go skydiving.
Not to mention there could be Asbestos and other hazards like discarded needles
YTA because while it’s okay to grow out of things you were previously interested in, you’re being quite mean when you tell her you’ll go and then don’t. It’s not fair, communicate better
NTA.
It’s a very reasonable and valid reason you have here, but you must clearly express it to your partner and set that boundary that is beneficial in the long run, even if it means disappointment in the moment. You can always work on a compromise, but if you dont like the idea of exploring anymore then you have to communicate it so there is no “leading on” or any misunderstanding.
YTA for making her think you will go and then backing out. BTW, I’m 57, and I still love going to abandoned buildings. Some people outgrow it and some don’t.
Yta for leading her on but obv you don’t have to go and that’s okay. Just make it clear from the start then maybe she’ll also grow out of it and stop asking you eventually.
The problem here is that you are not communicating properly with your gf. You should be straight forward with her and tell her exactly why you don’t want to go anymore. Your concerns are totally valid, but leading her on just to back up at the last moment without explaining the real reason is not.
Others can’t read your mind, a lot of problems would be easily solved if people were honest and direct from the beginning.
1. You are both risking criminal records. You said “*the job she wants to get later she said she cannot have anything on her record*”. So WHY is she continuing to do something which puts her future career in jeopardy?
2. You are doing something potentially dangerous. More than forty years ago, one of my cousins was crawling around the ceiling cavity of a deserted warehouse. He crawled onto a section that was only masonite, not strong enough to hold his weight, and crashed onto a concrete floor eight meters below. He died. In his defense, he was only twelve years old. Twelve-year-olds do dumb things. What’s your girlfriend’s excuse?
My rule of thumb in AITA is that you are never the asshole for refusing to do something that’s dangerous or illegal. Roaming around in abandoned buildings is both.
So for not wanting to do this, you are NTA.
But you have two problems that risk taking you into asshole territory:
The first is that you aren’t clear in your mind about what you really want. Your post is full of “I don’t know” and wishy-washy “I feel” statements. For god’s sake, figure out where your line in the sand is. Draw it, and stand on it.
The second is that you seem afraid of conveying this to your girlfriend. That’s evident in statements such as “*sometimes I do make her think that I wanna go and then back out.*” You seem conflict-avoidant, or at least you’re trying to avoid conflict with HER, and that’s not a good sign in a relationship.