I (23F) have a complicated relationship with my mom. For most of my life it’s just been the two of us.
When I was in middle school, my mom started dating a guy for about 6 years. I hated him because he openly made fun of me and bullied me. It didn’t stop until I had a huge fight with my mom about it.
During that time we had financial struggles and moved into my grandparents’ house. My mom spent most of her time locked in her room with her bf, and the only time she really came out was to yell at me about studying or chores. My grandparents ended up taking over much of the responsibility of raising and feeding me.
I started acting out because it was the only time I got attention from my mom. Over time I built a lot of resentment because I kept hoping she would show love or acknowledge my accomplishments.
She has admitted she was neglectful during that period (5 years). She also blamed me for things like dishes or misplaced items when it was usually her bf, but she never believed me.
BF #2 had major anger and attachment issues. On a vacation with family friends, she spent much of the trip arguing with him on the phone about attention (there was a 15hr time difference). After those calls she would take her anger out on me. I eventually isolated myself in the hotel because I kept getting belittled or scolded.
Another time I came home from college for a weekend and she loudly had sex w/ BF #2 while I was there. I was disgusted and angry that she couldn’t wait 2days for me to leave. We had a big fight and she apologized, saying she wouldn’t put me in that position again.
Fast forward to now. BF #3 lives out of state. He seems kinder than her previous partners, but because of the past I set a boundary that I don’t want to see or hear about her relationships. Being around it triggers anxiety and resentment.
She thinks that boundary is unfair and says I’m preventing her from moving on.
Recently he came to stay. I ended up hearing them having sex again and it brought back a lot of those feelings, so I left the house. When I told her why I was upset, she said she’s not sorry for having sex.
The issue isn’t the sex itself. It’s that she previously promised she wouldn’t put me in that situation again. She also said he would stay 2weeks, but it’s now almost 3.
The bigger issue is that I don’t like the person she becomes when she’s dating someone. Historically that’s when I’ve felt the most neglected or mistreated, which is why I set the boundary that I don’t want to be around it.
She says I’m being unfair because she’s provided food, shelter, and education. She also says I’m the most important person in her life and wants me to be part of her life while she’s in a relationship, but I’ve refused.
I know I have deep-rooted trauma from the neglect when I was younger, but I feel this boundary is necessary for my mental health.
So now I’m wondering: **am I holding onto resentment from my childhood too strongly, or is my reaction reasonable?**
**EDIT:** My mother and I are each other’s only remaining family. My mother and I have gone no contact with her parents (my grandparents) for other reasons. I cut off my father for absent father reasons. I have no aunts or uncles I can stay with. I currently do not earn enough money to live comfortably in my own place or with housemates.
I do think moving out would be the best way to preserve our relationship. When I was away at college, our relationship was actually peaceful and much healthier. I only moved back home after graduating.
I love my mother and I don’t hate her at all. She has gone through her own hardships with relationships, and it genuinely hurts me to reject this part of her life. But at the same time, I’ve been hurt too many times by these situations and I feel like I can’t emotionally or mentally tolerate it anymore.
Growing up, she tried to make up for the lack of emotional presence by providing a lot materially—things like the newest phones, laptops, and gaming devices. But as an adult, I’ve realized I’ve closed myself off emotionally from her in ways I didn’t used to. We used to be very close, and that distance now is painful for me too.
The idea of having to cut off my mother or go no contact with my only remaining family member truly pains me.
What makes it even harder is that her main argument is that she has provided everything for me (housing, food, schooling, clothes, toys, and technology) growing up. I’ve tried to explain that those things are basic responsibilities of being a parent, but hearing it still leaves me with a deep, gut-wrenching feeling.
Even though I logically understand that providing those things is the minimum a parent should do, emotionally it still weighs heavily on me. The thought of distancing myself from the only family member I have left is incredibly painful.
NTA You need your own place.
Working towards it. In my state and city, it’s nearly impossible with the wage I’m making. I am heavily struggling in this job market as well.
Why do you think you’re the asshole? Your mum is treating you badly when she has a bf and she should be able to understand that you have trauma from her past relationships. NTA. Not one bit are you an asshole
NTA. I hope that you can become fully independant from for her very soon. This you can limit your contact to what is ok for you. She is not a good mother and you do not own her a relationship. Best wishes.
She has the job of being your parent, and she’s not doing it very well. You have the job of being the kid and telling her what your needs are, and you seem to be doing a good job of that. Providing food shelter and food is not sufficient parenting. You deserved a fully involved, nurturing parent. I’m sorry you didn’t get that. and no, you are NTA. Good for you for looking out for you needs.
I feel like I had to grow up quickly because I watched my parents’ toxic dynamic when I was younger. Up until about my third year of high school, I mostly just went along with whatever was given to me and didn’t question much.
But as I’ve gotten older and reflected more on my relationship with my parents (especially my mom) I started realizing that the “I gave you a roof over your head and food in your stomach” argument is really the bare minimum of what parents are supposed to provide. I’ve been trying to stop letting that argument affect me as much as it used to.
I even made a mental list of things I can somewhat tolerate and things I can no longer tolerate. Her dating life is something I’ve realized I can’t handle being involved in anymore. I’m not trying to control whether she dates—I just don’t want to hear about it or be around it.
But she tells me I need to let go of the past and move forward. Her view is that everyone has trauma and that I’m the one holding myself back by not letting it go. She believes that my reaction to her dating life is something I’m choosing, and that I’m making myself unhappy by holding onto these feelings.
She’s just wrong. I hope you find a good IFS therapist to help you work through this and validate that you deserved a parent that parented and parents. You are always the parent no matter how old your kids are.
this sounds rough as hell. ur mom saying i gave u food and shelter like that cancels out yrs of neglect is kinda wild. thats the bare minimum of parenting tbh. u setting a boundary cuz it triggers old stuff seems pretty reasonable to me. NTA
Yes you are holding onto that resentment. Also, you are NTA. You have good reasons to be angry and clearly there has been no resolution. I can tell that you love your mom, but it makes sense that you don’t trust her. I know people on Reddit always recommend therapy, but I really feel like you’d benefit from it. Also, I’m a therapist so it’s kinda my jam. When I read your post I instantly thought of ways you could be helped. You and your mom. Best of luck.
Yes your reaction is reasonable and yes you’re bound to be reacting to your childhood abuse. Anyone would. I think it’s time for you to start looking after yourself, giving yourself the love and respect that you need and deserve. Your mum obviously has problems with relationships, with her partners, with her parents and most significantly with you.
NTA. You have every right to hold onto resentment when it has not been acknowledged or resolved. Your mother put you in very vulnerable and abusive situations and has behaved impetuously and immaturely. The fact that she expects you to be grateful that she provided you with the bare minimum (which she legally has to anyway) is abusive enough.
BF #3 is a hobo-sexual. Staying 2-3 weeks & away from work…
She’s not a parent. Any other family you can stay with? I’m seeing no contact for your mental health coming.
NTA. When i was 11 my parents divorced and my dad had a bunch of ‘flavors’, and when he wasn’t seeing anyone he was spending his evenings talking on dating sites. When we asked for board games, playground/park time or anything involving him he “was busy” or “didn’t have time”. It’s caused me to shut down when he finally found one that stuck when i was 14-15 and caused me to reject her. She’s still around almost 20 years later, and married to my dad, but she has been and always will be his girlfriend to me, not bonus mom, and it broke my relationship with my dad too.