Here’s some context: My niece (23) is getting married this year. I, (26 F), dated her fiancés friend (24 M) about 5-6 years ago. We dated for almost a year and broke up because he honestly didn’t treat me the best, but I had low self esteem so had trouble getting over him. We tried dating again when I was 24, but we only dated for 2-4 weeks and realized we didn’t want the same thing, so I broke it off. Throughout these times, I have heard that he has said negative things about me, and he’s also said negative things about my niece and her relationship with his friend, which my niece and I told each other about. She has known my ex for a while because of his friendship with her boyfriend, but she started getting closer to my ex around this time, and they have a big friend group so she would see him a lot with other friends.
My niece has always said she wanted me to be her maid of honor, but Flash forward to her engagement in 2025. Historically, I wasn’t always a fan of her boyfriend’s actions and how he’s treated her, and when I was dating his friend, he would tell me about things that were going on in the relationship that my niece didn’t tell me. I would express my concern to her about certain things, and we seemed to have a someone productive conversation when those topics would happen. She then said she didn’t want me to be the maid of honor, but to be a bridesmaid instead because I’ve express concern about her boyfriend. I’m only slightly offended by this, as I support her but it is her decision.
Shortly after getting engaged, she invited me to go wedding dress shopping with her and a few others, and told me my ex was going to be there. We hadn’t ended on great terms, and I’m now with someone else so naturally I was uncomfortable. I expressed these feelings to her and she basically told me she’s going to be friends with my ex forever so she doesn’t know how to help me. I ended up joining for the second half of the shopping, and my ex completely ignored me when I got there, which made me feel more uncomfortable. He is also going to be on her side of the wedding party, including his brother and another male friend.
Now, we are planning her bachelorette party, and one of the bridesmaids is doing most of the planning. I was under the assumption that it would be just the women, considering that’s how they usually go, but turns out they are planning on a 4 day stay with everyone including the men.
My current boyfriend is not comfortable with this, and I am not either but I know it’s not my place to try to do anything about it. I did reach out to my niece to tell her I’m not comfortable and won’t be going, but I haven’t heard a response. AITAH 🙁
NTA you’re not trying to guilt her for inviting him or trying to get her to change her plans, you’re just setting your own personal boundaries based off of how being around him makes you feel. There’s nothing wrong with that.
NAH. You gotta do the work to unpack a breakup 5 years ago, you haven’t so yea you shouldn’t go. You told her. Thats it. No one needs to do anything else.
This is your boundary, your decision, and you already made it. Its over. Move on.
It is what it is.
NTA You aren’t demanding that he can’t be there. You’re being as respectful as you can about things. I don’t completely know your family dynamic so I apologize if I’m overstepping by saying this, but your niece seems immature to put things politely. Not to sound super traditional, but the gender roles things only complicates things further with the bachelorette party. I think in some ways she could’ve tried to accommodate for you, or maybe have spoken to him in private if its THAT important to her that you will be there.
Since she didn’t do either of those things, she has no right to be upset by you simply not going 🤷♀️ I wish you luck op, seems like a shitty situation to be in.
NTA
Weird enough that he’s planning to be at the Bachelorette party. Seems extremely creepy and controlling behavior
The bachelorette party is unisex so not weird or controlling but OP’s BF does seem controlling – “My current boyfriend is not comfortable with this…”
NTA – You are under zero obligation to spend time with someone you don’t want to be around. However, given that you don’t want to be around your ex and they are on the bride’s side of the wedding party, I would take a step back and consider whether YOU even want to be in the wedding party. There are other ways to support the bride – personal attendant on the day of, running logistics at the ceremony or reception, acting as an usher or doing a reading, etc. If being around him is uncomfortable, you may find yourself opting out of a lot of wedding-related things…
Why are you so uncomfortable being around someone you dated a long time ago who you weren’t compatible with? Grow up and ignore him. Why is your boyfriend uncomfortable with it? Is he too stunted to accept that you had a life before he was a part of it? You’re both very immature to be making so much out of this.
YTA
NTA. Your niece is being young and dumb. Sounds like she’s choosing toxic men over a relationship she used to really value. Take a step back from the relationship.
YTA
I know my opinion won’t be popular but, oh well.
Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. You are part of the wedding party and as such should attend all wedding related events.
Just because the guy is there doesn’t mean you have to sit in his lap. Be polite and enjoy the party.
I was in a similar situation once. A long time friend and I had a falling out. A mutual friend invited us both to her birthday party. I knew she would be there but I went anyway.
I went to celebrate my friend’s birthday. I wasn’t going to let a disagreement with her other friend keep me away.
We acknowledged each other and both enjoyed the party.
Of course, if you’re not capable of that, stay home and disappoint your other friend who asked you to be in her wedding.
People are allowed to have boundaries and distance themselves when they feel uncomfortable.
YTA. Show her some support and deal with the awkwardness.
NTA. You absolutely don’t have to go if you don’t want to. The wedding is a different story that you’ve got to suck up.