My fiancé (23M) and I (23F) are getting married next May (2027). We got engaged last February (2025) and have already put down a significant deposit on our venue.
Lately, family issues have really been weighing on me and are starting to overshadow what should be a happy time.
First, my dad is having a really hard time with my engagement and upcoming wedding. He likes my fiancé well enough, but he doesn’t believe in marriage. My dad and I are very close. My parents split when I was four and I went through a lot growing up, but he really stepped up for me. He’s incredibly important to me. Because of that, his disapproval hurts a lot and has honestly made me question whether I should go through with the wedding at all. Unfortunately, he refuses to talk about it, so I can’t really understand where he’s coming from.
On top of that, my grandfather on my mom’s side passed away suddenly two months ago. We were very close. One of the last things I told him was that I would leave an empty chair for him at my wedding so he could “visit” if he wanted to. Losing him has been really hard.
The situation around his funeral made things even more complicated. My grandfather and my mom had a very bad relationship, and his final wish was that she not be invited to his funeral. Because of that, she wasn’t allowed to attend.
She asked my brother and me not to go either, in solidarity with her. But this was our only biological grandfather and we loved him very much, so we felt we had to go say goodbye. She was extremely angry that we attended.
Now she has given me an ultimatum about my wedding: either I invite her, or I invite my grandparents (my grandfather’s wife and that side of the family). If I invite them, she says she will never forgive me and she won’t come to my wedding.
I love both my mom (but we have a difficult relationship) and my grandparents, and this whole situation is making wedding planning feel really painful instead of exciting. I’ve even considered postponing, eloping, or canceling entirely. But we would lose a large deposit on our venue if we cancel.
So I feel stuck.
WIBTA if I choose to invite my grandparents even though my mom says she won’t come and will never forgive me?
EDIT: some people are asking if I know why my mom and grandfather were estranged. without going into too much detail since it’s delicate stuff. My moms an alcoholic, which is hard on anyone around her
EDIT 2: I changed the first paragraph about the dates we got engaged. English is not my first language so I messed up. Hope this clears it up🩷
Sounds like your mom is manipulative and uncaring of you and your feelings for your wedding.
NTA
Yes, as is her father.
Both parents are.
Your mom is manipulative. NTA
NTA
It’s your wedding, invite the people you want there.
If they don’t show up, it’s on them rather than you.
People who issue the ultimatums should always lose the fight. Pick the grandparents.
100%
NTA. Your mom is acting like a child. She should recognize how important this is to you and set aside her issues with your grandparents for 1 day. It’s 1 day and there will be enough people there where she doesn’t have to interact with them. She’s the one who’s acting like an asshole.
NTA.
BUT:
I would invite everyone. If she doesn’t want to come, that’s your mother’s decision, and the responsibility lies with her. Family events always seem to be a popular opportunity for your family to settle scores. Make sure you don’t perpetuate that and be the one who sets an example. This is also important for your future wife and any children you might have.
I’m going to focus on your dad making you not want to go through with your wedding instead of everything else because it sounds like your entire family has a lot of issues, including those you love dearly. Everybody including your late grandfather is manipulative and weird. Banning people from funerals, being very disapproving marriage to the point you would basically ruin your own daughter‘s wedding, giving ultimatums about attending a funeral, giving ultimatums about attending a wedding! There’s just a lot of emotionally manipulative drama going on throughout your entire family. I think in order for you to have a healthy relationship and marriage, that needs addressed first. Maybe you two should just go to counseling and then elope.
I mean you are not the asshole here but everybody else is some level of the asshole.
Yeah I’m in therapy hahah! Thanks for your feedback
NTA Your mom is being textbook emotionally manipulative. She needs to get over her sh*t and support you on your special day. Else, stay away from her. She will most likely never change.
Your mom is asking you to prove loyalty by cutting off other people you love, and that’s a really unfair position to put you kid in. You went to your grandfather’s funeral because you loved him, not to hurt her. Wanting the rest of that side of the family at your wedding is the same thin. A wedding shouldn’t be used as a battleground for old family conflicts. You can invite everyone you care about, what they choose to do with that invitation is their responsibility, not yours.
You don’t have to choose. Your mom is the one choosing. You have invited both your grandparents and your mom. Your mom is the one making a choice not to come.
You haven’t done anything wrong and if she chooses to cut you off, that is not something you can control.