TL/DR: my flatmate bakes stuff for us using some of my ingredients w/o asking and I can’t really afford it. WIBTA if I asked her to buy her own stuff?
My flatmate and I (early 20s) have been mostly sharing everything in our flat from food to shampoo. At the start of the year, I was very happy to do this. (My income was a lotttt different)
We buy our own groceries bc my flatmate has a pretty different diet and I’m not over the moon for almond milk or anything gluten free. That being said, she does take my milk, cheese, butter, yogurt, ham etc without asking.
Now… as she’s been struggling to find foods she can eat, I’ve said she can have some of my food. So am I being silly for being a little frustrated that she will happily use not just a bit, or have a taste, but use loads at a time.
The catch is, I don’t go into her stuff and if I were to, I ask and let her know how soon I can replace it. Bc she could say ‘no sorry I’m saving that for this thing I’m making’. Bc lmty, when you want to cook your girlfriend a dinner you’ve been planning for a week, it’s not fun to find out that you no longer have onions to use. (After you just bought one the day before)
The thing is I don’t want her to think she can’t have anything. I do genuinely like to share and don’t keep a tally or anything. But stuff like butter and cheese I try to be careful when I buy bc it’s pretty expensive and I’m no longer in a position to share \*this much\*. Like if I get cream cheese I’d like to at least get a taste before she uses it all or scoops it up with the same spoon she used for tuna.
Anyway…
She loves baking and she shares the stuff she bakes with me. So I’d feel like an arse if I were to ask her to buy her own butter and milk. Yes the sugar and flour, cocoa powder and baking powder were also bought by me \*but she has since replaced these herself.\* I genuinely never really bake anymore so rlly didn’t care about that stuff being used up.
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P.S You’re all so right, it’s just a communication thing. She’s an easy person to talk to. I just want to make sure it doesn’t come across as cold when I do. We’re sorting some flat admin tomorrow so I’ll probs mention it then
NAH but like, this would be an incredibly awkward situation, my recommendation would be to either keep some stuff in your room that you don’t want to share or explicitly communicate/label stuff that’s for your personal consumption only
NAH You told her she could use it, so its understandable that she didn’t understand the nuance of where it’s annoying for you. Another conversation is in order where some clarification is made: never use the last of something, a specific drawer could be set aside for things you are saving, asking before using it moving forward, etc.
Eh I would say instead of flat out saying you cant use my stuff anymore I’d just have a sitdown with her and renegotiate the whole sharing food thing and set some boundaries. That way you arent being an A hole and then she has a good understanding of what is and isnt okay to take. Then if it continues you’d be perfectly without bounds to say hey dont touch my stuff at all.
NTA In situations like these, it is natural to start feeling an imbalance as time passes. This situation doesn’t seem too bad yet, and could (hopefully) be easily fixed with more communication. You can also create a system to show items you are counting on using yourself rather than having them assume you were replenishing a shared pantry.
NAH. Sounds like you just need to communicate boundaries.
You’re all so right, it’s just a communication thing. She’s an easy person to talk to. I just want to make sure it doesn’t come across as cold when I do. We’re sorting some flat admin tomorrow so I’ll probs mention it then
NAH. Your financial situation has changed, and therefore your ability to share has too. I think you need to sit down with her and just say straight up that you’ve started having to plan your meals more and can’t afford to change plans last minute any more. And to assume that you have plans for most of what you’ve bought!
It does sound like it’s reciprocal in a your food vs her baked goods sense. But this isn’t equal in terms of how it impacts your life – your savoury meals are a non negotiable, vs baked treats which you can live without.
And I’d do this with the benefit of the doubt that she’s not realised and will adjust going forward!
NTA but you need to have a conversation with her and explain that things have changed since your original agreement and explain what you said here. She is abusing the privilege of sharing by using up all of a product and not checking with you first, because you don’t get to use the products you buy when she’s being a little glutinous. I would not use that word but that’s what comes to mind. And that thing about the cream cheese just is gross. People using my butter and leaving crumbs or other things with it just grosses me out.
Honestly y’all need to have a sit down conversation, clarifying what you actually meant. Your flatmate could be doing all of this unintentionally, because you have said nothing. Communicate. In judgement no one is the arsehole here, just lack of communication.
Oh of course, she’s lovely! She would not be doing this out of disrespect. I did tell her she can have my food, I guess I just didn’t expect she’d have it all. Communication is ver important
NTA
I found what works for me is setting up a joint savings account that we both deposit a fixed amount into bi-weekly or monthly, and we use that to buy groceries for the house. That way there’s no resentment if one is spending more than another. Maybe something like that can work for you?
NTA. It’s time to have a conversation about buying food separately and keep them in separate areas. I’ve always done this with housemates in the past and it’s the best way to keep the peace
NTA
It sounds like you get along pretty well. Tell her honestly that your financial situation has shifted and you can still share – just not as much. So can she please ask you before she uses your stuff. You know she means well and she probably has no idea that you’re going hungry.
Keep the tone light. Stay direct. Ask for what you need.