So for some context, my mother got into a really bad accident when I was in 1st grade and my godmother and other aunt really stepped out and helped look after me and my sister while my dad took care of my mom. She would take us out to all of our activities and made sure we had fun.
Now she has kids of her own who are in 3rd and 1st grade and she just lost her husband to a battle with colon cancer a year ago. Me (22F), my sister (19) and my mom (47) have all done our best to help where we can, my sister even stayed with her for a month. We would help out a lot more but we are not in the best place financially. We are essentially living in a studio apartment and we have no car. We have let the kids stay over whenever my godmother needs it, but here’s the problem.
She never sends money for food, never sends her kids with more than a days worth of clothes even though they always end up staying for more than one day, and they stay longer than she says they will. Her excuse is that she’s tired from work, it’s too long a drive etc.
My sister is often the one doing the oldest one’s hair and my godmother never sends her with her own hair products which causes my sister to use her own, relatively expensive, hair products. We’re all pretty tired of it, especially my mother because my mom never did this to her when we were with her. She’d send money for food, we had more than one pair of clothes, and we didn’t overstay our welcome because we’re not her kids.
We all know she’s going through a hard time but it gets to a point. WIBTAH if I told my godmother she’s taking advantage of us?
TLDR: My godmother often sends her kids to stay with us for days and doesn’t send money for food or any compensation and we are all over it.
100% NTA. She’s leaning on you heavily without reciprocating, and that’s not fair, especially since you’re all struggling too. A calm conversation about boundaries is fair and needed.
YWBTA if you told her she was taking advantage of you. If you want to say something perhaps you should ask her is she can send some snacks and/or more outfits with the kiddos in case they mess their clothes. She might be struggling financially after losing her husband, you don’t know what her financial situation is.
Her husband had his own company and was very successful. I don’t know her financial situation buts she’s not destitute.
YWNBTA. She is clearly taking advantage. Put up boundaries and stick with them. If 3 adults can’t make ends meet, the mother of the small children has not business trying to get free stuff for her kids in this fashion. If she’s struggling too, there are programs that can help. And maybe reach out to them for help for your family too.
But does she have money to buy the food? If she qualifies for a food bank it’s not a question though, she must bring something. Your sister doesn’t have to use her expensive hair products, buy some cheap shampoo and that’s it. The difference between you is that your mom could recover, her husband never will. And though you don’t have to become a provider for that family, you should start it as a conversation first.
YTA but only if you approach her this way directly. NTA if you and your mom have mentioned or asked for bringing over the absolute essentials to watch her kids and she chose to disregard you guys asking her to provide the absolute bare minimum.
NTA-you are being taken advantage of. Can you just start distancing yourselves some and be unavailable or unable to have the kids stay over? Just tell your friend no when she wants something from you. Sooner or later she should get the point that something is wrong.
That’s a tough one. The way I would put it is that she is overusing your help. I don’t think it’s quite fair to say that she’s taking without reciprocating, because she kinda “pre”-reciprocated by taking care of you when your mom was sick. At that time, she didn’t have kids and didn’t know her future husband would pass away. She just helped out. I don’t think it’s really fair to call her a user in these circumstances, but the fact remains that you are unable to sustain the level of help she is asking from you.
I think the fairest thing to do here is to express sympathy but to point out that you aren’t able to sustain this, and that you don’t have the resources to provide food for her children. If you and your mom and sister agree on what you CAN do and what you are no longer willing to do, then maybe you can communicate this to your godmother in a kind way. You can then start phasing out the level of support you are providing in a way that allows her to adjust to the situation.
NTA. Time to stop helping if the mother won’t provide for her own child.
Didn’t you say she just lost her husband? She’s grieving. Give her a break. I don’t know what state you’re in but there are social services available. It sounds like you would all qualify for help with food. Almost every church I know gives away free clothing, especially for children. They also will give you food if you don’t qualify for social services through the government. Every time you earn a paycheck you are contributing to social services. Use them when you need them, And then when you get on your feet as you get older, help others out. But right now your godmother needs you and especially her kids need you. You can do the right thing right now.
I have to go with soft YTA. She is grieving, losing a husband is very different from an accident.
That being said I think it is appropriate to kindly talk to her about making sure to send money for food, or sending food for the kids as well as making sure they have enough clothing and hygiene products sent with them. And saying we can take them for max this many days at a time.
You mentioned in a comment she’s not destitute so she should be helping feed her own children. But she may honestly not be thinking clearly and needs that kid reminder about food, clothing etc. When you are grieving your mind does cra zy weird things. She’s obviously really struggling and needs support. Grief does not have a time limit. I understand a year feels like a long time, and it is, but when you lose someone so dear a year is no time at all.
You should not have to foot the bill for her, if she doesn’t accept that she needs to send food or money to feed her kids and send more clothing then yes I agree she’s taking advantage. But you won’t know until you talk with her
You need to speak up and ask her to send enough clothing and some food for the kids. Explain you are having a hard time right now and the extra groceries are difficult.
NTA, you have to speak your truth, but be careful and gentle about it.