i’m in college living with roommates, lets call her "c," is making me feel like i’m losing my mind. we are both Muslim, but our backgrounds are polar opposites. when I met her, she was the "ideal" religious daughter- she wore the hijab, ankle-length frocks, almost no makeup, and prayed five times a day. ive never been that religious; i don’t wear the hijab, and my style is heavily influenced by kpop: makeup, skirts with stockings, and cute oversized fits.
at first, the copying was subtle. she started asking for makeup tips despite previously bragging about being a "natural beauty." then, she started leaving her hair open to class, a huge shift for someone who claimed the hijab was her entire identity. when i felt depressed and started wearing my hair in a bun, she immediately switched from wearing hers down to tying it up too. after vacations, she returned with clothes that looked exactly like mine, even buying a lavender jacket because she knew it was my favorite color.
the behavior turned competitive during a shopping trip for demon slayer magnets. i introduced her to anime, but suddenly it was a "race" to find our fav characters. the moment i decided against buying them, she dropped hers instantly, saying they "wouldn’t be helpful," proving she didn’t even want the item, she just wanted to beat me to it.
the most hurtful part involves my hair. i begged her to get bangs or a haircut with me; she refused, saying she loved her long hair. then, she went home for vacation and cut it to the exact length i had planned, blaming the barber. when I finally got bangs, she refused to compliment me. while my other roommate was supportive, c stayed silent. a week later, she told our roommate she "suddenly" wanted bangs too. it’s a cycle, she refuses to acknowledge I look good, then does the exact same thing a week later.
her insecurity is becoming toxic. when a stranger complimented me, she ignored me for two days, later admitting she felt "ugly" because the stranger didn’t notice her. she even suggested I only "like people who call me pretty," which felt like total manipulation. now, she’s buying the exact products i mention wanting (like my kajal) the very next day. she even wants a corset now. how does a girl who flaunted "modesty" suddenly jump to corsets the moment she sees me in one?
she claims she’s "scared" of being judged for her hijab here, but it feels like she’s using my identity as a costume because she’s too afraid to find her own. during "Truth or Truth," i admitted i dislike unoriginal people who copy others. she immediately asked me, "do you hate me?" followed by, "i don’t even do that." the gaslighting is real. i said "no" to keep the peace because I hate confrontation and know my other roommate would make me the villain, but i feel like im suffocating. i feel like my entire personality is being harvested by someone who doesn’t even like me enough to be happy for me. i feel like i’m losing my mind. AITA?
NTA.
She was probably sheltered her whole life and looks at you as someone she always wanted to be. Regardless, it’s still an uncomfortable situation, especially when her insecurity and constant competition is getting in the way of the friendship. It’s exhausting being around a person like that. I would definitely suggest distancing yourself for your mental health and peace. If you have the option, move out.
Nta. Maybe it’s time to start planning an elaborate tattoo which you never intend to actually get. Kidding…she is pitiful and her own worst enemy. You need to make alternative living arrangements as soon as possible. She sounds exhausting.
It seems to me she’s having a hard time assimilating from her strict background. Yes it’s weird and uncomfortable how she’s going about it. She clearly doesn’t know how to find her own style and copying you is easier. The competitive part is definitely her insecurity about not getting compliments like you. You know what you want and she doesn’t. It might be wise to start looking for a new roommate when you can.
Another idea is having a conversation with her about her style. Go through magazines with her and see what she likes and maybe suggest a makeover for her.
Dorm?
Can you ask for either you or her to switch rooms?
This doesn’t sound tenable.
NTA
NTA I imagine it’s very difficult if you’ve been religiously conservative and reserved your entire upbringing to suddenly have a world of choices and influences to choose from, and can understand why you might pick someone who has seemingly gone through that as a guide / inspiration, but whatever the original intention this has gone too far.
Either stop discussing things like this with / around her before you actually do it, so no “I’m hoping to buy X, or want to try Y” just go do it.
Or the most destructive and potentially impactful option, pic something really dumb or garish, and make a big deal of that, so she takes the bait, then never actually do it. Thinking of dying your hair neon green, getting a skin fade, wearing something OTT, etc. ideally nothing permanent (not a tattoo or fully shaving your head) but something undeniable. Then when she’s stolen the idea ask her why in a public setting
I had someone exactly like this in my life. It felt super love/hate. Almost like.. you want to hate me so bad because you’re insecure, but you do like me, or at least my style/the things I do/am into/buy/etc. It is really exhausting especially when you’re just trying to live your life and you know you’re a good person and friend and this person will tear you down, then copy everything you do. Personally, I finally confronted this person. She gaslit me too and said “well fine if you don’t want me in your life than I’ll leave” and I’m like, I didn’t say that. But after that we cut contact and things have been much more peaceful.
NTA.
Let’s separate what is actually happening from the story your mind is building around it.
The observable facts are that your roommate changes aspects of her appearance and interests after you do. She buys similar clothes. She mirrors hairstyles. She reacts poorly when you receive compliments. She becomes competitive in small situations. She sometimes denies copying. That is the behavioral pattern.
The interpretation layered on top is that she is harvesting your identity, gaslighting you, or deliberately trying to erase you. Those are understandable conclusions when you feel watched and imitated. But they are still interpretations. There is another very plausible explanation that does not require malice.
She sounds deeply insecure.
You represent something she may feel unsure about in herself. You are confident in your style. You move between religious and cultural spaces in your own way. If she grew up being the “ideal religious daughter,” she may not have had room to experiment with identity. Now she is experimenting, and you are the closest model available. That does not make it comfortable for you, but it makes it less sinister.
Her competitiveness and withdrawal after you get compliments point more toward envy than obsession. Envy can make people behave in subtle, immature ways. It does not automatically mean she wants to erase you. It often means she does not feel secure in who she is.
Where you may be escalating internally is turning copying into a threat to your uniqueness. No one can actually take your personality. If she buys a lavender jacket or cuts her hair similarly, that does not dilute you. It only highlights that she is still figuring herself out.
You are not wrong to feel irritated. Living with someone who mirrors you and reacts poorly to your wins would exhaust most people. But this becomes less about proving she is copying and more about deciding what boundaries you need.
If the dynamic feels suffocating, the practical solution is distance, not confrontation about “originality.” Keep conversations surface level. Stop sharing future purchases or plans if it bothers you when she mirrors them. Limit emotional disclosure. You do not need to accuse her of copying to protect your peace.
Right now your distress is coming from the belief that she is stealing something from you. She is not. She is revealing her own insecurity. You are allowed to be annoyed. You are not the villain here. But the healthiest move is to disengage from the competition rather than trying to win it.
NTA. While some people would be receptive to a heart to heart talk about how uncomfortable this is making you, from what you say, this person is clearly not secure or mature enough to take it well.
My advice would be to look for alternative accommodation. I think your situation can only get worse as time goes on.
Alternatively you go completely left field and start dying your hair pink or something.
NTA, this would drive me insane too. I personally would speak to her openly and ask her to stop copying you, if she plays dumb list all the things which she’s copied since she arrived. Encourage her to find her own style but say this is getting too much. I hope that having your thoughts out in the open will help because she seems very competitive and toxic so I’m not sure how she’ll react.
I guess have a think about how finally voicing these thoughts would help you. She might also feel less able to copy next time if you’ve addressed this head on?
You could also speak to your other roommates and say you don’t want to cause issues and you feel bad for her but this is frustrating.
I don’t think the copying is the issue as much as her attitude about it is. If she was copying you but acknowledging it and complimenting you and being a supportive friend it might still be annoying at times but on the whole I think you’d be okay with it.
Sorry you’re dealing with this person
NTA. Recognize shes not your friend, so stop treating her like one. That means things like, stop sharing your plans, stop going shopping together, stop offering advice or generally telling her anything. If she wants to throw tantrums over ridiculous things like someone complimenting you, let her. Ignore it. Keep a bit of distance.
Rn shes coming out an incredibly sheltered environment. So her mind is exploding. And its hard for her. So please stop judging her so harshly. Im not saying allow her to trun herself into your twin, just that you could have a bit of compassion for her.
The only way this is going to get it fixed is by moving out. Talk to your RA and see if you can move into a new room.
I would say she probably has never had any freedom to find out what she likes. And she likes you. Maybe talk to her and say that you understand that her upbringing has been strict, and she’s finally able to express herself, and maybe she would like to go shopping and find her own style? Also, maybe mention that no one will think less of her for following more traditional values that she’s been brought up with. Different strokes for different folks.
YTA I’m missing any kind of empathy from your side here. This poor girl seems to have been sheltered and you are showing her things that could have been. She has no experience with any of this. Of course she is going to be awkward and clumsy about it, obsessive if you will. You’re like a beacon to a different life for her.
I get that it feels uncomfortable but you seem to take the whole thing as a hostile act towards you. She’s doing this for her, even if she doesn’t know how to do it in a healthy manner. You don’t have to support her or do anything at all, but you seem to have turned her obsession with you into an obsession of your own.
Just live your life. If someone makes you feel weird, take some distance. Be a little less involved. Let her go her way even if that way seems to be the exact one you took. Take it as a compliment and move on.
You begged your roommate to get the same hairstyle as you? You seem like the obsessed one
Let me start by acknowledging that yes, it’s weird for someone to be constantly copying you. It’s not uncommon for children forced by their parents to dress conservatively to want to dress more freely once they gain independence. It’s also very common for people searching for their identities to try different ones out, very much like a costume as you say. And when you think about it, aren’t we all copying someone’s style? Unless you design your own clothes, we copy what we see on famous people, in magazines, on runways, and on our more cool friends. Having no prior experience with dressing as she wants, she’s grasping at the only thing she knows, which is you. Is imitation not, as they say, the sincerest form of flattery?
If you want to reduce the amount of copying she does, stop offering her up opportunities to do so on a silver platter. Don’t beg her to go to the hair salon with you, or share your hobbies with her, or tell her what clothes you plan on buying next. Have you tried talking to her about it and telling her how all her copying makes you feel?
One thing I’m curious about is why it’s so important to you that she compliments your hair/acknowledge how good you look? Is that part of the girl code or something, that friends provide emotional support for each other by always complimenting their friends’ new style choices, regardless of whether or not they actually like them? That, in and of itself, seems insecure and could very well be how she got the idea you only like people who call you pretty.