Throw away but I need some advice on this. So my partner let’s call him Henry gets up for work each day at 5am I do not need to be up until 6.30. Each day he snoozes his alarm several times which leads to me waking up when his alarm goes off. Sometimes I can get back to sleep after but here is where I feel frustrated.
Our toddler’s 15months room call him Alfie is next door to us and we are so lucky he is a good sleeper – that said – Henry at 5.30am doesn’t get his things ready the night before so proceeds to open and close several drawers (this morning 12 times) which is loud looking for various items though he does this with the light off it makes a lot of noise. When I whisper can you please be quiet so the baby doesn’t wake up – he often speaks at a normal volume very irritated and tells me he’s going to work and I’m causing his aggravation. The noise he makes with the drawers and the several alarm snoozes often the toddler up before he needs to wake up meaning I also need to wake up sometimes an hour earlier.
The older child 6 Hunter has told me he can hear daddy in the morning with the drawers and this often wakes him up early – he has ADHD and I can’t leave him awake alone once he comes down from his room to ensure he doesn’t do anything dangerous.
I have asked him to please get his clothes ready the night before so I don’t have to wake up this early – I do this for everyone else and don’t feel I should have to do this for him too. I even times wait for laundry to be done for my son’s uniform or football kit to be done for the next morning whilst he goes up to sleep. FYI we both work full time and get both the children ready each morning and do two drop offs en route to work.
On the weekend I often get the children up early even when I’m working so he can have a lay in and never wake him up when I do. He moans his stuff isn’t organised but again I do this for me and the children I think he should organise his own things.
Am I being unreasonable to ask he gets his own things ready the evening before so at least he’s not opening and closing several drawers? Is it unreasonable to ask that he doesn’t snooze the alarm so many times. I’ve suggested a vibrating alarm he wont charge it and use it. This situation can often lead to arguments he really thinks I’m being unreasonable I think it’s being quite inconsiderate so AITA?
Edit: he does not have ADHD – I do and also ear plugs would not be an option because I am the one who gets up if the children get up in the night because he is a heavy sleeper. Our eldest still wets the bed 3-4 times a week though we have a bed wetting alarm and other waterproof bedding night pants etc he still needs to be changed. I know he doesn’t like getting up in the morning.
When he is on call he does sleep on the sofa so the calls in the middle of the night do not wake me and the children up.
NTA.
This isn’t about him “going to work.” It’s about repeated preventable behavior that disrupts the entire household.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy terms, he’s engaging in minimization. He frames it as “I’m just getting ready for work” while ignoring the impact of multiple snoozes, loud drawers, and irritated responses. The impact matters more than the intention.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for basic planning and consideration.
You both work full time.
You both manage mornings.
You both handle children.
You give him lie ins on weekends.
You prepare ahead for yourself and the kids.
He is choosing not to prepare ahead and that choice has consequences for everyone else’s sleep.
The snoozing alone is disruptive. Multiple alarms at 5am affect you whether he acknowledges it or not. Add drawer slamming and normal volume responses and it becomes a pattern, not an accident.
You are not asking him to do something extraordinary. You’re asking him to:
Set one alarm.
Get clothes ready the night before.
Minimize noise.
That is baseline adult functioning in a shared household.
The fact that your 6 year old can hear it and that your toddler gets woken up early makes this a family level issue, not a marital nitpick.
The bigger concern is his response. When you whisper to protect the baby’s sleep and he responds irritated at full volume, that suggests defensiveness rather than collaboration.
From a behavioral standpoint, the solution is simple:
Clothes ready at night.
Bag ready at night.
One alarm.
If he refuses, he sleeps in another room when working early shifts.
That is not punishment. That is a boundary.
You are not his mother.
You are his partner.
And expecting a grown adult to manage his own morning routine without waking the entire house does not make you unreasonable.
He will treat you as YOU allow. He’s awful, you know it.
NTA
It sounds like ‘Henry’ is resentful that you get to keep sleeping while he has to be up.
He needs to get over it.
He is living with other people. He is living with *small children.* He does not get to bang around and make noise at ass-o-clock on the morning just because he’s pissy.
He needs to use *one* alarm. If he can’t get up to one alarm, he needs to use a vibrating alarm (there are tons of types he can wear on his wrist so it won’t wake you up).
He needs to get his shit sorted out the night before so he’s not banging drawers all morning.
Your requests are *not* unreasonable. What’s unreasonable is waking the whole house up – especially the children – just because he wants to behave like a child.
TLDR, good sleep is the most valuable gem in our lives.
NTA. My boyfriend used to do something similar. It only took 2-3 nights of setting an alarm 1.5 hours before his alarm and snoozing it repeatedly to drive the point home.
This is diabolical and I’m here for it
He needs to get organised the night before and show you some consideration. Otherwise on the weekend I’d be making as much noise as necessary, see how he likes that
NTA – but is this really the only way that he behaves, that tells you he doesn’t care about you?
When my partner wakes early, he sneaks downstairs carrying his clothes, and doesn’t even turn the downstairs hall light on (even though it wouldn’t wake me) and stays in the kitchen until he’s done all his getting ready.
On weekends when he’s home & I sleep in really late (adhd sleep – ugh!) He won’t play the “housework music” he loves on the speakers until 11am in case he wakes me. Which even I think is really extra. But he loves me & also he prefers well-rested me – she’s happier & less irritable 🙂
Is there anything your husband does that makes your life easier with 2 kids & a full-time job, or does he see himself as the Main Character & you’re just there so he can tell the world he has wife & kids?
NTA. Your husband is being inconsiderate and selfish. Have you told him the impact his poor planning and inability to try and be quiet is having on you and the kids? You shouldn’t be carrying 1) all of the prep for the kids, and 2) prep for an adult.
I don’t know what would be the catalyst for change though?
NTA. Your husband’s an asshole
Time for him to sleep on the couch and get his stuff with him there so he does not bother you. Time for you to show him how disruptive what he does is in the week end instead of letting him sleep: Hit snooze a few times. Play around with drawers. Talk loudly.
I’m very petty and on the days that he gets to sleep in, I’d be doing the exact same things that he’s been doing all week.
Opening/closing drawers, turning the overhead light on, talking in daytime volume. I’d also poop in the en suite and leave the door open.
Just saying.
NTA, but he definitely is!
Start being inconsiderate on days he wheels in. If he complains ask him to sleep somewhere else until he can be more considerate of others in the house in the morning.
NTA.
Let’s separate what is happening from the emotional charge around it.
The facts are clear. He snoozes multiple alarms starting at 5am. He opens and closes drawers repeatedly because he does not prepare the night before. The noise wakes you and sometimes the children. You have asked for small, specific changes. He responds defensively and says you are causing aggravation. You already carry the night wake ups and often protect his weekend sleep.
That is not you being unreasonable. That is you asking for basic consideration in a shared household with two young kids.
The interpretation that may be inflaming this is “he doesn’t care” or “he’s selfish.” Those might feel true in the moment, but even without assigning motive, the behavior itself is disruptive. Intent matters less than impact here. The impact is that multiple people are losing sleep because he does not want to prep his things or use a different alarm system.
It is also true that mornings are hard for some people. He may genuinely struggle to wake up. That can coexist with the fact that his coping strategy is creating chaos for everyone else. Both can be true. Difficulty waking up explains the behavior. It does not excuse refusing solutions.
This is less about drawers and more about shared responsibility. You are already adjusting your behavior to protect his rest. He is not making reciprocal adjustments. That imbalance is what is frustrating you.
You are not asking him to do something extreme. Preparing clothes the night before and limiting snoozes are normal adult adjustments in a family home. If he can sleep on the sofa when on call to protect your sleep, then he clearly understands how noise affects others. That suggests this is a willingness issue, not an awareness issue.
You are not the asshole for wanting basic consideration and sleep stability. The next step is framing it less as criticism and more as a logistics problem to solve together. The issue is not that he goes to work. The issue is that the current system is not working for the household. The solution needs to change.