I’m looking for some outside perspective because this situation with my dad has gotten pretty messy and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
I’m in my mid 20s and recently sold a house I owned with my partner. A few years ago when we first bought it, my dad gave us about $2,500 to help with some early costs. At the time it was basically “pay me back later when you can.” There was never anything formal, no written agreement, and no discussion of interest or anything like that.
Recently my dad and I had an argument that started over a comment he made about my mum (they’re divorced). It escalated quickly and a lot of old issues came out. During the argument I told him I think his drinking is a big part of the problem and I did call him an alcoholic. In hindsight that obviously didn’t help the situation.
After that fight he started messaging me saying he wanted the $2,500 back. I said that was fine and that I’d transfer it once the house settlement went through.
But since then he’s been sending a lot of long messages that feel pretty intense. Things like:
\- saying I’m “money hungry”
\- accusing me of choosing money over family
\- bringing my mum into it
\- saying I broke his heart
\- saying not to come to his funeral someday
\- insisting that because the house value went up, he should get interest or some kind of return on the money
To be clear: I’ve never refused to repay the original $2,500. I’ve said multiple times I’ll transfer it once settlement happens. But he keeps pushing for extra money and sending long emotional messages.
At one point I restricted him on Messenger because the messages were constant and stressful. When I checked later there were pages more of accusations and guilt stuff.
At this point I feel pretty drained by the whole thing. My plan is still just to repay the $2,500 and close that chapter. But emotionally I’m leaning toward keeping distance from him for a while because the way he’s been communicating feels really hurtful.
The part I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t really have many people in his life and I do think he’s probably lonely. So I feel guilty stepping back even though the interactions have been really negative.
So I guess my questions are:
\- Am I overreacting by restricting contact for a while?
\- Should I just repay the $2,500 and stop engaging with the rest of the messages?
\- Was I out of line for calling him an alcoholic even if I think his drinking is a problem?
\- Is there a better way to handle a parent who mixes money issues with emotional arguments like this?
I’d appreciate honest perspectives, even if you think I’m handling it badly. I just want to approach this in the most reasonable way possible.
NTA
Sounds like he didn’t like being told he has an alcohol problem, which means he probably does. BLOCK his number. Do not read messages he sends you. Return the money as soon as you can and do so by means that you can track and prove. He doesn’t have friends because he’s a pretty awful person, nobody who loves you would speak to you this way.
Kinda the asshole when you insulted him, there’s a way to talk to people like him. Shit happens, he was there when you needed him so be there when he needs you. Pay back the $2500 and be the bigger person in this situation, if it doesn’t work out then you won’t have second thoughts in the future. Good luck and have a good one.
Fair enough, probably a knee jerk reaction on my part after he disrespected my mom.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
It sounds like he’s emotionally abusive. Wire him the $2,500 + 10% interest ($2,750) when you have the money. Then tell him to get therapy and don’t contact you again unless the therapy was successful and he has been clean for several months. For now, go no contact because you don’t need this toxicity in your life. Start working in your own rhetoric and communication skills to handle situations like these better in the future. Because even if you were right about his drinking habits, you have unnecessarily escalated the situation as well.
\- Am I overreacting by restricting contact for a while? | No you’re not
\- Should I just repay the $2,500 and stop engaging with the rest of the messages? | Yes you should
\- Was I out of line for calling him an alcoholic even if I think his drinking is a problem? | No you were not
\- Is there a better way to handle a parent who mixes money issues with emotional arguments like this? | No there isn’t
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
That man is your parent, not your child, and it isn’t your job to manage their issues.
You might want to help with the issues (like alcoholism) but I bet you already got so much sh-t because of it growing up, it’s OK to tell your parent they have a problem.
Concerning the money, if you can afford it, tell your dad he can either get the 25hundies, use them to get help for his alcoholism, or get 4K and never ever talk to you ever again.
See if you matter more to him than that, and when he says “I don’t care about talking to you !” make sure it is in writing, send the information in written form to trusted friend and/or your banker, and cut ties with that man.
There are few outs for alcoholism :
1) get help, get better, have the chance to dug yourself out and build back a life. This does NOT happen organically, you have to work for it, you will very probably hurt for it.
2) act like nothing is wrong, drink yourself to death. Liver failure, coma, constant pain in the abdomen, cancer, immunodeficiency, a sh-tton of things happen to your body when you drink. It might take a few years, a decade even, or more. But you WILL die from drinking, and you will not be old. Around 60 is when a lot of alcoholics die, my dad did too.
In this regard, there are options for you, the child of the alcoholic :
1) he gets help. Congratulations, you now have a father and not a barrel of mead. Good luck on building that relationship, it gets hard, but it is doable. I believe in you.
2) You cut ties with him now. He dies in a few years. You save yourself a whole wide world of ache for not helping because you know you tried.
3) You don’t cut ties. He still dies in a few years. You will cry forever and feel an immense guilt until you yourself dies.
Best of luck 🙁
Thank you!
\- Am I overreacting by restricting contact for a while? – No
\- Should I just repay the $2,500 and stop engaging with the rest of the messages? – Absolutely
\- Was I out of line for calling him an alcoholic even if I think his drinking is a problem? – Depends. If he is actually an alcoholic then maybe not. However, if he is not an alcoholic then what you said was simply designed to hurt him so would make it out of line.
\- Is there a better way to handle a parent who mixes money issues with emotional arguments like this? – Yes, there are a few better ways to handle such a person regardless of relation. Never borrow money from them is the first which jumps to mind. If you cannot do that then when you do borrow money from them have a clear agreed plan for repayment, as in when and how, have it written down, even if just by text and stick to the plan. You may also want to set clear boundaries about what you are willing to discuss and shut down any attempt to deviate from that as soon as it happens.
In my opinion, the bottom line here is you can restrict contact with anyone you like for any reason you like. I also think that when someone asks for their moeny back then it’s on the loanee to arrange repayment as swiftly as possible. I don’t think you’re an AH per se and as your dad is wanting additioanl money which was never agreed I’ll go with NTA. I’d advise apologising for the “alcoholic” comment if you didn’t mean it, repaying the loan without delay, setting clear boundaries about what you’re not willing to discuss from this point forward and trying to get on with life as best you can.
Appreciate the response!
ESH. It’s always an asshole move to call anyone a name when you’re arguing with them. It shifts the argument away from the topic at hand and over to the name calling.
If your dad has done half of the things that you state he’s done, he has major issues.
Repay him the loan; but adjust it upwards to take account of inflation or to include interest that’s the equivalent to the interest that you paid on your mortgage. That should settle the matter of your financial debt to him; and if he ever brings it up, you’d be well within your rights to shut it down at once.
Try Behavior Modification 101 to get him to interact with you as an adult. Delete and don’t ever answer his accusatory texts; you don’t owe him answers to any of them; and, your responding to them just reinforces his toxic behaviors. If he tries to argue with you, tell him that, whenever he does that, you’ll end the interaction. Then, do so: hang up on his calls, walk away from him, or bring the discussion back to the topic at hand.
“ Recently my dad and I had an argument that started over a comment he made about my mum (they’re divorced).”
Sounds like he was venting about your mom, so you decided to pick a fight with him. This means YTA. Try and make amends by being nice to him now.
No, I was standing up for my mum and not letting him talk bad about her.
NTA.
If him and your mom were together when this money was given, he gets \*half\* of it only. Give her the other half.
Thanks for the reply and no they weren’t together at the time, have been separated many years