Am I an asshole for feeling a little left out and envious about the group gift, while feeling hesitant to contribute for an overpriced sweater?
Patagonia is often associated with med school because it is seen as a trendy, high-quality brand that signals achievement, making it a “status” gift to celebrate residency.
My friend just finished medical school and is starting residency. Two other friends want me to chip in for a $180 Patagonia. On paper, $60 each doesn’t seem too bad, but they also want to add two more items, which would bring it to about $100 per person.
I’m a bit hesitant because I don’t really get the hype. I don’t usually spend that much on clothes for myself, so it feels strange to drop that total amount of money on someone else.
If I were to buy something like a corporate, university, or custom brand item, I would want to buy it with my own money so it reflects my hard work rather than it being gifted to me.
I don’t like following trends or hype, and I’d much rather give something unique, personal, or of better value for the same price. For reference, I’ve helped split the cost of a phone and a PS5 for another friend. I’m just trying to understand the appeal of this gift and whether it’s truly worth it.
The problem is, if I don’t contribute, I’m going to come off as an asshole, because now the other two friends will end up splitting the $180 between themselves. I also realize I might feel a bit envious and left out. Nobody has really gifted me anything, not friends or family.
When I joked with my friend about why nobody gifted me a corporate or custom item for my first job out of college, he replied that I didn’t deserve it, referring to how difficult medical school is.
YTA. All through the post you kept saying you don’t spend that much on clothes, you don’t get the hype, you wouldn’t want to receive that as a gift. The point of a gift is to give someone what THEY want, not what you want. Would you like for your friends to ignore your preferences when they get you gifts? If you can’t afford to chip in $100 then simply let your friends know. Otherwise contribute and stop trying to force the group to cater to your whims as they buy someone else’s present.
They never even said they wanted a Patagonia, it’s supposed to be a surprise. I’d much rather give something unique, personal, or of better value for the same price.
“When I joked with my friend about why nobody gifted me a corporate or custom item for my first job out of college, he replied that I didn’t deserve it”, there’s your answer. + a 180 dollar whatever it is isnt cool
If it’s about being envious, you’re clearly TA. If you have the money, pitch in and say warm congratulations. Keep the vibes good and you’ll be more likely to be included
NTA……. yet. It depends on how you handle it.
What you’re feeling is normal. It’s not entirely “valid”, but it’s very human. When there’s an imbalance in money, effort, or recognition, people notice. That quiet “why not me?” thought shows up for almost everyone at some point.
That said, don’t let that feeling make the decision for you. If you already feel hesitant, don’t force yourself to contribute just to keep the peace. That’s how resentment starts. You pay now and feel irritated later. Not worth it.
Also, this wasn’t something collectively agreed on from the start right?. If there was no clear discussion about budget or expectations, you’re not obligated to match what others decided. To decline u could say something along the lines of “hey, I think I’ll sit out of the group gift and get something separate instead. Keen to still celebrate together though”. But make sure you did not indicate you were already gonna chip in otherwise thats just awful.
Just don’t let it turn into bitterness. The moment you start comparing, like thinking no one did this for me, you’re setting yourself up to feel worse. Reality is simple. If people wanted to do something like that for you, they would have. No hints required. It doesn’t mean you’re less deserving. Just different dynamics and timing.
Impt: Don’t over-explain. The more you justify, the more it sounds like insecurity instead of a decision.
NAH
It makes sense you feel left out and a bit weird about the price. $100 is not nothing, especially for something you don’t personally value that much.
At the same time, group gifts are usually more about the gesture than the item itself. For your friend, it’s probably less about Patagonia and more about feeling supported while starting something demanding.
You don’t have to match their idea exactly. You could either contribute a smaller amount or give something more personal on your own. Both are valid.
The only thing that might rub people the wrong way is pulling out completely after they already planned around splitting the cost. As long as you communicate it clearly, you’re fine.
NTA. The rule to follow is to not contribute unless (a) you can afford it and (b) you want to. You don’t need to explain yourself or to apologize to anyone for your decision.
Tell them you’ll chip in the $60 but you can’t push it to $100. They can take it or leave it. They added the extra stuff, not you.
YTA for your attitude about this.
Your friend just accomplished something really significant. Graduating medical school is more impressive than a bachelors or simply getting your first job. It is a particularly special accomplishment and it’s really lovely that your other friends want to surprise them.
If you can’t afford it, that’s different. But if you are withholding out of spite and jealousy, YTA.
It sucks that you have not felt celebrated by the people on your life and j would encourage you to find people who do wish to celebrate you. But don’t do so by isolating yourself and lashing out at others
NAH but just tell them already that you don’t want to contribute to a group gift.
YTA This post was all about you and what you’d like for yourself. You didn’t mention anything about the person the gift is for. You don’t have to pitch in but you’ve somehow centered yourself in this whole endeavor making it about how you feel about the give and about how you will feel if you don’t pitch in.
If you done want to chip in on the group gift then buy something on your own to at you think the recipient will like.