So, I (14F) am in a group chat with several people around my age, including another girl (let’s call her Ady)(15F). For about the past year there’s been ongoing tension between us because of things she says to me in the chat. A lot of the comments are small digs or jokes directed at me, though not in a friendly manner. She has also tried to gaslight me or my friends into thinking I said something that I never did, so rightly so, I don’t like her. Individually these jabs might not seem like a huge deal, but it happens pretty often and it’s been going on for a long time. When I react or get upset, one of my friends (15F) (let’s call her kylie) in the group usually texts me and says things like “it’s ragebait, don’t fall for it, she’s doing it on purpose.”
The thing is, Ady has only really called it ‘rage bait‘ once herself. Last August things got pretty bad between us, so we actually talked about it privately. During that conversation I apologized for something insensitive I had said about someone close to her. She said she understood and would stop ragebaiting me and things seemed okay after that.
For a little while the tension stopped, but about a month later the same pattern started again. The comments aren’t always huge insults, but they’re usually directed at me specifically. For example, recently she called me names in the group chat and has made other little comments toward me like that. I ended up messaging her privately because I was frustrated and wanted to understand what I did.
My message read “Yo is there something I did to you did I hurt your feelings or something bc I don’t think that I’ve rlly ever done anything to deserve being treated the way you treat me you know damn well I have a short fuse and you use that to your advantage. It’s not funny. When we talked in August you said you would stop ragebaiting me but you haven’t and its honestly gotten worse please tell me what I did wrong bc I don’t understand”
In my opinion that message was relatively mature so I wasn’t expecting her response to be so rude I told her that from my perspective it didn’t feel like joking anymore and that it felt like I was being singled out a lot. I just wanted to know if there was something I did to make her treat me this way and she responded by saying I was overreacting and that I take things too seriously. She didn’t really acknowledge the pattern I was talking about. She said “…not sure why u always seem to take ur anger out on me; news flash im not a punching bag.” Which just felt very deflective and it didn’t seem like she even read my message at all. At this point I’m honestly confused about the situation. Also I don’t want to act like I’m never rude to her bc i absolutely am, but I never go as far as she does. So I’m wondering what other people think: when someone repeatedly makes cold hearted comments towards you, are you the asshole for lashing out?
Block her. Simple solutions to complex problems are the best.
I would love to but blocking her cant stop her from saying things in the group chat. Plus she has multiple numbers and phones
Then just keep blocking her?? If she’s making new numbers/emails/accounts just to get to you, that reflects more on her malicious, bullying intent than it does on you. You’re NTA, but as you admitted, you shouldn’t be rude to her in return anymore. You may have reacted poorly in the past, but now is as good a time as any to start rising above! Your friend is right, just ignore the ragebait, even if you have a short fuse. I agree with Equivalent Board, kill em with kindness, it makes it no fun for a bully to bully you if you don’t react how they want. And even if she goes to a different school, you can still report her harassment to her school. Depending on the content of her messages, you may get varying results, but when I was being picked on in school the best solution was getting adults involved. Don’t stop telling the adults you trust in your life until someone helps you, either, these things can get swept under the rug sometimes. I hope things get better, friend!
I agree with your intent, but all that seems to take a lot of thought and energy. I’d stick with a block, ignore and move on strategy.
There will always be people who suck. Your best bet is to reduce how much they get to you. There are many strategies and depending on circumstance some might be better suited to you than others.
1. Escalate. Tell a parent or a teacher that she’s bullying you.
2. Consistently respond with kindness. It can be pretend kindness, but responding politely and kindly to bait often makes the baiter look silly. Eg “Bless your heart”, “Guys, it looks like Ady is having a rough day, time for a group hug?”
3. Ignore her. Skim over anything she sends but don’t respond. Expect bad behavior, be surprised by good behavior, but don’t treat it as worth being angry about.
4. Drop out of the group chat and create one without her in it.
Some people suck because they’re just shitty people. Teenagers tend to suck because they’re either struggling with social anxiety and don’t know how to behave like reasonable humans or because they’re dealing with a lot of feelings and they don’t know how to process them. That doesn’t make it easier, but it’s probably far more about her than about you. You might just feel like a safe person to target. Most of the strategies above reduce that notion.
I forgot to mention im in virtual school and shes in 9th grade and im in 8th so we’re not in the same school but tysm for the feedback
My Dad always said “never let others know where you tie your goat!” aka “never let others know that they are getting to you because they will keep on about it.
Block her if you can in the group chat. Life is too short and you are way too young to let this juvenile tiff make you lose sleep at night. This should be the best time of your life. You’re young, free and not responsibile for bills, rent, bosses, etc. Grab your youth by the balls and enjoy every minute of it.
Trust me. 30yrs from now, this will have been an insignificant blip in your life stream.
Aw tysm this rlly helped im rlly gonna try to just ignore her best as i can. ur totally right these are the best years of my life and I should try to live them to the fullest ❤️
Making people think they’re overreacting in situations like this is pretty typical for people like that; you called her out on her behavior, and it made her uncomfortable, so now she’s trying to regain control by making you feel like you were making something big out of nothing. You did nothing wrong here; you tried peace, but she kept at it after saying that she’d stop. Overall, try to ignore her and move on if at all feasible; chances are, she’s looking to get a reaction.
NTA
I’de leave the groupchat and block her and tell your other friends that you aren’t willing you be her victim anymore, if they choose her than you know who actually cares for you and who thinks you arent worth it
I would but the thing is my friends really don’t value my presence like that they rlly don’t care if anyone leaves which is very telling of who they are but I just prefer to have those friends then the few that care
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