I’m F(19) in university and working part time night shifts (4AM-8AM), working heavy loads, and my partner M(20), my friends F(19) and M(19) are a small collective of friends altogether; I will say, this little group is my absolute favourite and I adore them to pieces. However, my friend F(19) will make plans on the day, then cancel herself, or show up EXTREMELY late, though we aren’t the ones making them, or sometimes the rest of us, me, my partner and M(19) will either be unable to commit to going out shopping, or going for food, takeaways etc, due to the main reasoning of money and being a student – for example..
The other week was my partners birthday, and I invited both of our friends around for food, we committed to that, and I had no issues paying for the birthday treat, However, it does always seem to be me paying it forward, and my partner, and also M(19) rather than F(19) contributing, or if she does it will be transferred later on.
And after this, I took just me and my partner out for our anniversary/a more intimate birthday meal for just the two of us, that was sweet. But, then my friend (F19) wanted to go out for food the following day again, and I explained that I didn’t want to, and would rather do something else, such as I’m trying to save money, and we don’t really have the funds to be eating out every week (for us, this is a luxury).
My friend F(19), gets a higher maintenance loan than the rest of us, so has the ability to spend more on what she would like/do more for her University experience, and also doesn’t work.
I will also come home from a shift, exceptionally tired, and sleep for majority of the day as my sleep schedule for night shifts and University is extremely poor right now. Moreover, whilst I’m asleep she will try and plan things in the moment, and then I’ll respond being like, sorry I was asleep, etc.
In this recent week, she’s expressed to us that she feels like that ‘no one likes her’ and that ‘we don’t want to hang out with her’; which is completely UNTRUE. Of course, I feel guilty I cannot spend the same money as she does, or plan the same things, but at the end of the day it’s about commitment on both sides and I don’t know what to do.
I’d appreciate for anyone’s help on this!
Definitely not, people not showing up on time isn’t a ‘quirky’ trait it is just poor time management skills or just straight up disrespectful. You also should not feel guilty or embarrassed about not being able to spend as much as her, she seems to be a bit out of touch if she doesn’t realise that a 19yr old student can’t be going out almost everyday.
Definitely. And she has to pay it all back! It’s not free money. She is putting herself into debt to maintain an unrealistic lifestyle. OP is smart to avoid doing the same.
100%, but lots of people do put themselves in financial trouble just for others approval so she definitely is t the only one.
NTA
Everyone involved is young and this is a massive transition into adulthood. I would tell her something along the lines of; “We do like you, but life has gotten busy and expensive. I need to plan stuff out, including budgetting. I cant be as spontaneous as you. I’ve mentioned this before and it is my geniune reason for not going out.”
See how that goes and if she responds to actual feedback or if she makes herself the victim. She needs to be respectful of other people’s time and money. It’s part of growing up and if she cant do that, some friendships are destained to fizzle out and thats ok.
Exactly. It’s not aboit commitment, it’s about communication.
NTA, explain to her that you cannot spend money like that (if you haven’t already) and maybe she can be the one that pays since you said she never really seems to pay for anything. Honestly school and your work hours she should understand going out that much is not going to happen and would be poor on your health
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NTA have a conversation with her about the fact that you love hanging out with her but due to your work schedule you at least need to make plans x amount of days heads up, you can’t just hang out on a whim and that you guys not having money to do the thing she wants, doesn’t mean you don’t want to hang out with her at all.
Tell her that it’s unfair to be accused of not wanting to hang out with her and not liking her just because you don’t have the time/funds to do only the things she likes when she wants to. She’s setting herself up for disappointment and hurting her own feelings because she’s not being considerate of others.
Info: instead of saying “no” could you offer a cheaper alternative?
“I can’t make lunch at XYZ work, but if you want to grab some food you can come over and hang at our house to play a game/watch a movie/whatever”