Me (35F) and my spouse (38M) are the parents of a 5 year old neurodivergent kid. My husband refuses to educate himself on that topic. At the same time, he has recently admitted how much he hates my tendencies to micromanage everything.
I can understand that. Though I am the only one constantly assessing and anticipating our daughter’s mental state in order to be able to regulate her nervous system and prevent avoidable meltdowns.
Yet, in order to save our relationship, I am learning to keep my mouth shut. Today, our daughter returned home really overstimulated, I let her draw and played some calm music to let her unwind.
Later, my husband decided to play a videogame, but our daughter wanted his attention, therefore he chose to show her the game. The game which has a lots of visual and flashing effects. And as always he turned the volume up. They were doing so for approx. an hour while I was tidying our daughters bedroom.
When he decided to quit the game, our five year old started being really dysregulated and difficult (having a hard time) and he could not get her to bath. That’s when he came to me to take over and….I decided to say no.
AITA for keeping him responsible for his choices? Is it malicious to let him deal with the consequences when he perceives my recommendations as nagging?
NTA.
Your husband has refused to learn what makes your child dysregulated, how to calm her, how to patent a child with neurodivergence differently, etc.
Letting him deal with the consequences of his actions is the only way he is going to learn. This isn’t ignorance. It’s him actively working against you and then passing off the issues when his way doesn’t work. FAFO. If you don’t follow my advice, you don’t get my help when things go wrong.
He’s not even parenting. He’s just playing. He’s the “fun” one while she’s the “villain” and she’s the one who has to regulate and protect her child. This actually is a bigger issue than OP realizes.
NTA. The kid is half his, it’s his job to educate himself on what her specific needs are. Or indeed, ANY parenting advice would tell him that high stimulation activities like that before bed aren’t suitable for any child, much less an ND one. The only advice I’d offer is tread carefully when/if he brings up how challenging bath time was. Despite being in the wrong, I doubt the lesson will land with him if it comes from a place of “told you so”, even if you know that’s the case 😏
Nta, but you and your husband really need to sit down and communicate because this way your daughter is getting caught between the two of you…
NTA. NOPE! He can deal with the consequences of his ignorance.
NTA.
Our therapist is adamant that I stop stepping in while my husband is parenting. I do it for exactly the same reasons you do: husband isn’t educating himself and the results can be escalating disregulation from both parties and meltdowns.
He (my husband and yours) needs to learn to adjust his parenting style to the kid’s needs. Not expect a perfectly behaved adult in a ND child’s body.
NTA he needs to understand why you do what you do.
But also, at 5, I hope you’re starting to teach her techniques to self-regulate. Obviously, at 5, they can’t do that much on their own, but you don’t want to be constantly managing forever. I also have a neurodivergent kid and it has taken a lot of effort and persistence, but they are 8 now and really showing growth in advocating for themself and better regulating their own needs. It has freed me of a lot of constant worry and stress and also given them a lot of pride in their own ability.
NTA. He wants you to be the Little Red Hen of parenting, but is all too thrilled to eat the bread you baked with the wheat you grew. Nope. Raising a child is a 50/50 job.
As long as the child isnt being harmed…this is exactly what Id do too. NTA. Keep doing that.
I mean … it’s literally HIS daughter… maybe he should do something like, I don’t know, parent her? Wild guess here, but if you have children you should be interested in their life and how they function 🤔
I was hoping this was a story about food.
NTA. Is this real? A parent that doesn’t work with their child’s abilities is actually a form of abuse and setting her up to fail. WTF is wrong with him? I’m sorry, but your husband sounds like a bigger child than your unregulated, neurospicy actual child who is developing and needs help and guardrails.
NTA – your daughter’s behavior is a direct result of your husband’s choice to play that video game that loudly for that long with her. You could have called it ahead of time, except that he says you micromanage him when you point out the future consequences of his actions.
I’d have a conversation with him later when everyone is calm and make the following points:
* When I see you starting down a path that will result in Jane being overstimulated, do you want me to stop you or say something?
* If you do, I need to know what counts as micromanaging or nagging you.
* Whether you do or do not want me to intervene, you are Jane’s father and should know at this point what will trigger her and cause this. You should also know at this point how to help her calm down and it should not be my job to follow behind you and clean up the mess you make – especially when you say I’m nagging if I try to warn you.
* All of this happened because Jane wanted to spend time with you and you chose to play a video game instead of talking/playing/reading/watching tv/whatever with her.
Not at all and the “My husband refuses to educate himself on that topic” really 🤔🤯 what a dick