I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and we live together. She is an only child but is really close to her cousins daughter who is 15. My gf is 24. Her cousin has another daughter who is 10.
Horribly her cousin and her husband were in a car crash and they didn’t make it. My gf is devastated and has been trying to be there for her cousins daughters.
My gfs aunt and uncle initially said they’d take the children on to live with them but social services said they can’t as they’re both late 70s and not in great health. It looks like they may be put into care.
My girlfriend mentioned to me the possibility of us taking them on. We have agreed previously we aren’t likely to want kids of our own but may foster kids when we’re able to as we currently don’t have the money, the room or the time. We agreed it would be at least 10 years away before we foster children for the short term.
We both have exams with work that mean most of our free time for at least 8 months of the year is taken up with revision and will be like this fo another two years.
My girlfriend suffers from depression and has had regular periods off work where she barely leaves her bed and all housework and everything is left up to me. this tends to get worse around when she is stressed and has a lot of things to do.
I told her I know she’s coming from a good place but it’s not practical for us to do it.
We’re not poor but we’re not well off and having two kids in the apartment would really stretch finances even if we would get money for them.
We live in a two bedroom apartment and the second room is my home office and wouldn’t be big enough for a bed etc anyway.I pointed we also have one car which my gf uses for work.
I said we can obviously be there for them and support them in other ways but it’s not realistic for them to live with us. She said I was being cruel and that they can’t go into care.
I just said again it’s not realistic or practical for them to live with us. She again said I was being cruel and that we should be supporting family. I just repeated again that it’s not practical and explained the reasons I’ve already listed here
She called me uncaring and said I should be wanting to help. I said I do want to help but it’s not realistic to have them move in and pointed out there’s other ways to help.
AITA for saying no to them moving in?
NAH. It’s reasonable for her to want, and it’s reasonable for you not to want. This is a two yeses means yes, one no means no situation. Unfortunately you can’t make her be happy with your decision, and this very likely could impact the relationship between the two of you. I completely understand your rationale, but I can also see her devastation.
NTA- This is tough, but it’s important to recognize when you don’t have the space, resources, or time to take care of children. Supporting family is wanting what’s best for them, even if it isn’t with you.
NTA, can’t pour from an empty cup
NAH
I would probably have agreed with her in this situation, but it is a lot to take on for two young students.
Have you tried to sit down with the entire family and do the maths? You are not really alone, the girls apparently have grandparents, and while they may not be all that healthy, they may still be able to pick up and deliver them at school, follow up on hobbies, babysit when you two are busy, etc.
NTA. This sounds like it will fall on you. She can be the hero, and you can shoulder the cost and responsibilities.
This is what I’m thinking. Gf’s mental health seems not strong enough to take on the responsibility and you shouldn’t have to pick up any slack. It is sad for the orphaned children/teens and ofc you should have empathy, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to take them in and be responsible for caring for them.
Me personally, I would break up with gf, she can take care of her cousins, and you can be free and find a new gf that has better mental health and doesn’t want to burden you with the responsibility of being legal guardian to her family members.
NAH.
An impossible choice for you both. She cant let them just go into a foster home but it isnt your responsibility to sacrifice everything for them.
Sadly this will likely be a deal breaker or one of you will be very unhappy and resentful.
NTA. This is heartbreaking, but love is not a substitute for resources If you don’t have the space, time, finances, or stability, taking them in would be an emotional decision not a responsible one sometimes the cruelest thing is pretending you can handle what you can’t
NAH. Your girlfriend is barely functioning as is. You need to talk to the social worker about what resources are available. Will this be through the foster program? Could you get money, healthcare for the kids? Will there be other support? Can your girlfriend getting a handle on her mental health be a condition for a trial run? Would you pass a foster care screening?
15 isn’t an age that is going to be adopted, a 10 year old is more likely but still dicey. I don’t know their maturity levels or how they are handling the trauma and maybe you are right, it’s impossible. I hope they are able to find a safe, supportive environment.
Maybe a talk with the social worker with his gf might shed light on how incompatible this situation is going to be. Maybe that’ll show her why this might not be a possible course to pursue.
NAH. It’s a lot for you to take on. But if I were in your gf’s shoes I think I’d choose the cousin’s two daughters over you and I think she will too.
If she does that though she’d be raising them on one income, whilst studying and trying to raise a 15 year old, a 10 year old with bouts of crippling depression.
If she does choose her cousin’s kids, she won’t have them long before it all falls apart sadly.
NTA
If you don’t want to do this then you don’t have to. The reasons don’t even really matter.
But just know that your relationship is over. Or soon will be. Those kids going into care will break her heart and she’ll never be able to forgive you.
NAH but be ready for her to break up with you over this. I wouldn’t want that guilt of putting my cousins in the system if I was in my mid-twenties.