This is my first post but long time lurker on @twohottakes and @burbnbougie.
This is really just a vent but open to feedback on whether this is a me issue.
My own immediate family (mum, dad & sisters) are all hard work. Mentally draining. Rely on me for everything.
I (F,33) married my husband (M,36) who is a wonderful human. I am diagnosed on the spectrum, he is undiagnosed neurospicy for sure. We have 2 beautiful daughters (8 & 2yo).
I am so tired of being the DIL and always having to uphold the highest standards when it comes to being considerate, empathetic and inclusive for everyone around me but it feels like the same is not a thought for us.
(Background and context) When our eldest was born we did all the travelling with a newborn for everyone elses convenience. Family dinners, events, catch ups, whatever, we always had to say yes, always had to travel, and had to put our needs last "for the family".
We have now moved towns away from everyone, and this is ongoing. We continue to be the travellers and in 5 years I can count on one hand all the times we have been visited.
Now to the current situation. My mental health is not in the best place right now, and I’m working on that best I can and maintaining boundaries.
One of my SILs is amazing and we planned a holiday with us 4, her, husband and their 3 boys (4,2,0).
Just found out my FIL has invited himself and his newish "lady friend".
I was close to my MIL who passed away a few years ago after her battle with cancer. I palliated this woman, she was my best friend. Since her death I have felt a huge void in my life and feel so offended at the whole situation in the first place.
The new lady will make snarky comments about my MIL and as much as I maintain the boundary she has no filter and just says stupid comments.
My SIL has moved from being fully opposed to being open to getting closer. The fact FIL invited himself and her on a holiday that was meant to be relaxing, now has me full of anxiety and dread.
To top this off. My husband’s friend and his wife (similar age to us slightly younger) who I tolerate have also now asked to see us because they will be in the same town.
I say tolerate because I do not get along with them but this man moves mountains for my husband and I think it’s an important relationship for him to continue.
Right now I feel like my whole time to relax has been violated and imposed themselves on our downtime. Instead of relaxing and doing things originally planned has been totally overturned to accommodate the extras.
Am I the asshole to ask my husband to stand up for us because I have been carrying this load myself. Or do I just sedate myself for the weekend (literally) and most through.
NTA. You don’t have to do anything “for the sake of the family” if it impedes on the sake (and I include here everything from your mental health to financial burden) of you, your husband and your kids.
Thank you for the validation! I am ropable which is why I’ve come here but hubby as my best support also has a wicked sense of devil’s advocacy, which leads me to question my thought processes sometimes.
> always having to uphold the highest standards when it comes to being considerate, empathetic and inclusive for everyone around me
Have you ever noticed that the people who teach you this behaviour are the people who most benefit from that behaviour?
NTA Just stop. Wish your husband well and go on your own holiday. Call it a work conference. You will be working on your tan.
I have realised that! Part of the ‘working on it’ as a pathological people pleaser.
Your idea of my own holiday was my go to, but I’m currently away for work and actually want to spend time with my babies…maybe I should take them too 😆 he can go on his own.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAZM\_XKTl6U](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAZM_XKTl6U)
Listen to this for an hour. Then get paper and pen and draw the different characters and the problems they bring into your life, and how you will solve these problems. Remember you have every right to not join this holiday
Thank you for the recommendation!
Nta. You don’t have to be “the bigger person” (aka bigger person aka doormat) to accommodate others. It’s okay to say “no we aren’t doing that” “no, we aren’t going” “no, we are making out is tradition” even just the word no is a full sentence. You are allowed to put yourself and your kids first. You are allowed to make others upset. You need to learn to set boundaries and keep them. Okay so you do everything to accommodate others and make your husband happy. What does he do to accommodate and make your life easier? Stand up for yourself. Make your husband be an adult as well. He wants his friends to visit? That’s fine but he needs to make sure the house is clean, arrange what everyone is going to eat and then clean up after them. While he is doing all that you are going to get out of the house and have some you time. He wants to spend time with his family that’s awesome. He can take the kids and do the drive there and back and give you some alone time. I’m sure you will hear the argument that two kids it’s too much do him to handle on his own. But they are his kids too if you can do it so can he. If he can go visit his family
By himself and you can have a fun day with them kids. Look you are treated like a doormat because you allow it to happen. If your husband liked you even a fraction he would help out and stand up for you and protect your mental health. But if he hasn’t in all these years why don’t think he will start now?
I will be so fair to him that he goes above and beyond with me and the kids. There are non trad gender roles in our house. I do go do things on my own, eg shopping, nails, massage whatever. I’m otherwise a kept woman besides this one niche. He’s already on his own for a week while I’m currently on a work trip.
He’s also fully supportive mental health wise. He held my hand while I was being resuscitated and definitely is aware of my importance in our family running.
Thank you for validating the otherwise specific feelings on this topic though! Nice to feel like I’m not totally mental
>My own immediate family (mum, dad & sisters) are all hard work. Mentally draining. Rely on me for everything. … I am so tired of being the DIL and always having to uphold the highest standards when it comes to being considerate, empathetic and inclusive for everyone around me
Family dinners, events, catch ups, whatever, we always had to say yes, always had to travel, and had to put our needs last “for the family”. We have now moved towns away from everyone, and this is ongoing. We continue to be the travellers and in 5 years I can count on one hand all the times we have been visited.
If these people don’t come and visit you, literally all you have to do is stop going to see them and the problem will fix itself.
As to the rest, here are some sentences you might find useful:
“Sorry, we can’t make that.”
“Thanks but we’re doing something else this year.”
“It’s our turn to host! Let us know when you want to visit us.”
“I don’t have time to do that.”
“I don’t want to go on holiday with your dad and his girlfriend.”
“If you want to go out with Friend X and Y, that’s great but I’ll stay behind.”
You have two girls. Are you going to model “Women must perform constant domestic labour for other people, at the expense of their own well-being” to them all through their childhoods?
Your mental health comes first. NTA. If everyone is going to insist, then you insist on sticking to your original plans. Going shopping on a certain day, you do that. Picked out a place to eat, and now the tag-a-longs want something else? They can go do that, and you’ll enjoy the original place.
You do not have to accommodate people who invite themselves.
> we always had to say yes, always had to travel, and had to put our needs last
Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re not doing so great mentally, however, this is not true.
You did not (and do not) always have to say yes, you did not (and do not) always have to travel and you did not (and do not) have to put your needs last.
No is a full sentence. You and your husband just need to learn to say no. “Sorry, that doesn’t fit our plans, our schedule, etc.”
You do not have to go on this vacation either. If FIL invited himself, okay….you uninvite yourselves.