I’m dealing with some family conflict and I’m wondering if I’m wrong here.
I live with my grandparents and my mom. I basically grew up with my grandparents and have always been very close to them.
There have been tensions in the family because of property issues. My grandfather gave most of his property to his son (my mom’s brother). The only thing remaining now is one piece of land. My grandparents want to keep that land for their own expenses and possibly for my wedding in the future.
However, my uncle also expects that remaining land.
Because of this, there has been a lot of tension between family members. My mom’s sister and her daughter live elsewhere. In the past, my cousin helped me financially for an expensive exam I was preparing for, which I’m grateful for.
Recently my cousin told my grandmother that I’m not responsible and that I never call or inform them about things happening in the family, and that I should call her. My mom overheard this on loudspeaker and got very upset and argued with them because she felt they were unfairly blaming me.
For context, I live with my grandparents and have helped take care of them during hospitalizations and other difficult situations. At the same time, I’m working and trying to build something for myself and become independent.
Now I feel like I’m being blamed for things that are part of a bigger family conflict related to property and responsibilities.
Am I wrong for not regularly calling or updating them?
NTA – if you’re there helping out during hospitalizations and difficulties where’s your cousin? Unable to pick up a phone and check in on them himself? It’s unfair for him or any other family members to put you in the middle of this tense situation when you’re doing your part.
NTA
Yeah, it’s not your job to inform others. It’s theirs to ***inquire***. They should be asking about how they’re doing. If they ***actually*** cared, they would ***ask*** for information and updates.
I’m a little confused as to what these two things have to do with one another though. Just because your uncle “**wants**” something, ***doesn’t mean he deserves it or gets it***. That’s a 5-year-old spoiled child’s logic.
What happens with that land is ultimately up to your grandparents. Hopefully your grandparents have clarified what happens to that land in their wills, because otherwise it’s going to cause a lot of legal problems when they die.
Advocate for your grandparents to get a will.
It would be easier to comment on this if it was more clear about the relative, ages and health of some of the parties.
If your parents are cognizant and generally capable of communicating well, then I wouldn’t think would be appropriate for you to be sharing their business with the family at large, unless they asked you to do so.
Also haven’t gotten caught up in vague complaints that people weren’t being kept in the loop enough. When a family member was ill, I decided the best thing to do was to send out short emails whenever I felt like it. That’s a clear record that something has been shared and exactly what was said.
If your grandparents are doing generally well, this is a good opening to find out what level of detail they want shared and with whom. And you can determine for example, you’ll email their kids in one email. And those kids, your parents and aunts and uncles are responsible for informing their kids.
My grandparents are elderly but generally able to communicate and talk to relatives themselves. They do speak with my aunt and cousin sometimes and share updates. I live with them and help during hospitalizations or when things get difficult, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility to regularly update extended family unless they asked me to. My mom’s sister is above 60
NTA. I check in with my mom several times a week, and my brothers each check in at least once a week.
Since I’m the one living closest to Mom and see her more often, if there was something of concern, then yes, I do reach out to my brothers.
But if life is normal and there are no issues, it is not my job to report to them on Mom. In fact, when I do, it really pisses her off!
If they give you a hard time about updates, and there aren’t any important changes, like a hospitalization or a health crisis, tell them it’s up to them to reach out to their parents/grandparents, not your job to be the town crier.
Thank you
NTA
The phone works both ways.