Let me start with some background about my brother-in-law. He’s around 40 and lives a pretty solitary life. He’s gay (not the issue), but in all the years I’ve known him he’s only had one boyfriend. He’s very focused on money and talks a lot about all the things he could do with it, but he rarely actually spends it.
Personality-wise he can be a lot. He likes bringing up controversial topics and doesn’t really know how to read the room. He’s very conservative, highly opinionated, and can come across as arrogant or inappropriate at times. He’s brash and not the most empathetic person, which I think is part of why he doesn’t have many friends. That said, he is extremely hardworking, careful with money, and very loyal to his family.
Because of that, my husband is honestly one of his only friends.
At the beginning of last year he planned a “bro’s trip” and invited my husband to Cedar Point. I had no issue with that at all. I actually thought it was nice they could spend time together and figured I could do a girls trip or something.
Later in the year they planned a trip to Boston to visit a family member who wasn’t doing well health-wise. They thought it might be the last time they would get to see them. My husband asked if I could come because I had never met that side of the family and had also never been to Boston. My brother-in-law said it should be a “cousins trip,” meaning just him and my husband. I thought that was a little odd given the situation, but I didn’t push it.
For what it’s worth, I’ve tried to include him in things so he doesn’t feel left out. One of my close friends had a destination wedding abroad, and he knew them too. I even checked with the bride and groom first and invited him along so he wouldn’t feel excluded.
Also, I’m not expecting free trips. I would happily pay my own way. I’m just never invited.
Yesterday I found out he has a work trip to the Dominican Republic and invited my husband. Again, I’m not invited. My husband told me he wouldn’t go if I didn’t want him to, but it’s a free trip and it’s his brother, who honestly doesn’t really have anyone else besides their parents.
What bothered me most was that my brother-in-law called my husband, asked if I was around (he was on speaker), and then said he was “sorry I couldn’t come.”
At this point it feels intentional that he wants trips with my husband but not me.
So now I’m wondering if I’m overthinking it.
Yeah, he wants to hang out and do cool things with his brother.
Why is that a problem?
People don’t have unlimited PTO. If he’s taking all these trips with his brother he probably doesn’t have much time to take trips with OP.
I mean that’s still not a problem with her BIL. That’s a problem with her her husband not caring to save some of his PTO to do things with OP.
YTA I would just be happy I didn’t have to spend time with him…he sounds awful! that said, I don’t think it’s weird that he prefers to spend time with just his brother. don’t take it personally.
YTA. He wants to spend one-on-one time with his brother. And wanting to visit a sick relative with people who are close to this relative also isn’t weird. I wouldn’t want to be meeting new people if I was ill and not at my best.
Let the two brothers have their alone time. Also weird that you put the brother’s sexuality when it has no relevance to this at all.
When she is never invited to anything that is a bit much and intentional. Clearly the bil has an issue with her. The husband needs to grow a set and stand up for his wife. There is no reason why the sil can not be included sometimes.
Not really – inviting the wife means there’s a couple and 1 person, so BIL is the third wheel to the married couple.
It sounds like he’s paying. Who wants to feel like the third wheel on the trip they are paying for?
I mean “never invited to anything” seems like a bit of a leap. It was a trip to an amusement park with all guys and no other couples, a trip where cousins traveled together to see a dying relative, and a work trip which would be pretty odd to invite a couple on.
If a man was on here upset that his wife’s sister was excluding him by not inviting him to a girls weekend she’d planned, a tense trip with their grieving cousins, and the sister’s work trip… I think we’d be calling him the asshole. And probably say it was a red flag and controlling.
YTA you don’t even like him based on how you describe him. He wants to hang out with his brother, just leave it alone.
NAH. However, I wouldn’t want to go on trips with someone who thought of me as being “*very conservative, highly opinionated, and can come across as arrogant or inappropriate at times …. brash and not the most empathetic person, which I think is part of why he doesn’t have many friends*.” I think that his opinion of you may be the inverse mirror of yours about him.
As a single person myself, it’s hard to make vacations happen once you reach adulthood and your siblings get married and start their own separate lives. Unless you have an also single go-to vacation buddy, your choices are to go alone or not go at all. It’s not fun.
And again, speaking from experience since my brother is married, having a spouse along for sibling/family trips makes you feel like a 3rd wheel. Even if your SIL is great, like mine is. You and your BIL don’t really get along, so that’s even worse.
So I don’t think it’s really that weird that your BIL is doing this. Sounds kind of awesome to me that he tries to make his ideal vacations happen the way he wants.
It’s up to you and your husband to decide how many of these trips are workable for you.
NAH
Info: if this guy is so insufferable, why do you want to be around him?
YTA
It sounds like he wants to spend time with his brother one on one, which seems completely reasonable.
Based on your description of his personality, it seems reasonable to assume the two of you don’t necessarily get on that well, which will just reinforce that – he doesn’t necessarily want you on these trips, as that will naturally change the atmosphere and the way your husband and him interact and spend time together.
If I am planning a trip, I plan the trip I want, I don’t plan one where I am the third wheel…
Being conservative and gay is some mental gymnastics