So I had this idea to surprise my boyfriend with a picnic and some outdoor activities. I had a really rough day and wanted to do something fun and I thought making it a surprise would be cute. I had to go to a doctors appointment and he was going to hang out with his friends. He led me to believe he would be home before me, saying not to lock the door, so I figured everything would work out great! I’d get home and surprise! I have fun stuff planned for us!
But before I left my appointment I saw no notifications on the ring camera meaning he wasn’t home yet. I called to ask when he would be home. He just said he didn’t know. I figured I needed to spoil the surprise a little to explain why it’s so important that i know when he’s going to be home, so I told him I had something special planned for us. He again just stated he didn’t know when he would be home. I was a little upset by this because he had no reaction to me saying I had something special planned, I wasn’t mad that he was out later than I expected just that he didn’t seem concerned that I had a surprise and showed no willingness to work with me.
I got home and was hungry so I took my food outside with a book and had my own picnic. He got home almost an hour later and I explained why I was upset. I started by making it clear that him being out with his friends was not the issue at all, then explained I felt unseen. We ended up in an argument because I was just looking for him to show in some way that he did care, but he just kept saying it was my fault for not telling him my plans (a surprise) and saying he felt like he should be allowed to hang out with his friends. I reiterated that it’s not about that, I encourage him to go have fun with his friends! It was just that he didn’t show he cared, and now was blaming me which was even more hurtful.
It all ended with him saying something petty, I can’t remember what because it made me so upset I dissociated a little, and he stormed off.
So am I the AH? I’m so confused I feel.. gaslit ?
YTA slightly. Why would you plan this on a night you knew he was hanging out with friends. Pick any other night.
YTA, you say he got home an hour later. If you want to plan a surprise you have to be willing to have the surprise not work out. He was out with his friends and he didn’t know when he was going to be back. I think his reaction is reasonable.
Have you considered he doesn’t like surprises? Next time maybe just make plans with him. Your surprise happened to coincide with the time he was with his friends, this would be avoided if you communicated rather than trying to surprise him.
It’s not like he came home 12 hours after you did, he was home an hour after you.
I think your BF is also the asshole though based on the petty thing you said he said to you. So, it’s not all on you. But, talk to your boyfriend and find out if he likes surprises or not, and if he does, next time make sure you want to surprise him that you know he’s going to be around. As in make a plan with him to meet at some time, but only tell him when you see him what you have planned. A surprise shouldn’t hinge on the stars aligning and the other person magically being in the place you want them to be even though you never told them to be there.
YTA. You planned a surprise; but then, when you learned that he already had plans, you wanted him to change his plans, at the last minute, so that you could feel seen. The mature thing would have been to just cancel your “surprise” and get on with your own evening plans.
Your last comment, about saying something that you cannot remember because you “*dissociated a little*” is astounding by its vagueness, dismissiveness of your own role in escalating things, and trying to excuse an obviously toxic comment by claiming to forget what it was.
You’re giving with one hand (it’s okay for him to hang with his friends) and taking it back with the other (he should show some willingness to work with you).
You sound exhausting.
YTA. You made plans and didn’t tell him about them (that’s not the problem). When he didn’t follow those plans, you called him and told him to drop the plans he had made (that he \*did\* tell you about) to come do the thing you wanted to do. When he didn’t comply you got upset. If him being out with his friends isn’t an issue, then feeling “unseen” when he goes out with those friends seems unfair. I think you know all of this, because otherwise your post title would have been a more accurate description of what happened.
In the future, I’d recommend 1) find out if he \*likes\* surprises (some people don’t); 2) if you surprise him again have an accomplice help you get him to the correct place & time.
YTA. You already knew he was hanging out with friends. You then schedule an activity that suits your time frame, but don’t tell him what it is and then get upset that he doesn’t show enough interest for your liking.
If the picnic together was so important to you, why didn’t you wait for him to get home?
YTA. You wrote this wonderful rom-com and expected your bf to play his part without even giving him a script.
How could he have not known what part he was to play? After all, you thought up the whole thing. It’s his job to read your mind and dance the dance you expect him to dance.
There is nothing you did here that was for him. This was not a nice surprise for him. This had nothing to do with him at all. You decided that you wanted this scenario for you. Your boyfriend was just an extra.
You could have grabbed anyone off the street to play his part. Stop pretending you were thinking of him and admit that you were being selfish and entitled. You had a hard day and this is what you wanted to recover from your hard day. The only reason you wanted a boyfriend there was as a witness.
YTA you’re mad because he didn’t react to you saying you had a surprise and then told him why you were mad right when he got home. He wasn’t expecting anything and then gets attacked immediately when he gets home. He was ambushed. Imagine OP got home and then the first thing OP’s bf says to her is why he is mad, when she wasn’t aware of anything. And this actually sums up relationships, one side gets mad for reasons unknown to the other person, and then it turns into an argument.
YTA. You planned a whole picnic and outdoor activities (a time comittment mind), without involving him, and yet get mad because he didn’t show up when he already had plans with his friends that day?
Involve him next time, so he can be aware, and so you don’t make assumptions about when he’ll be home. Feels pretty unfair of you to expect him to drop his time with his friends just so he’s home for something special that you won’t even tell him about.
EDIT: and no, “don’t lock the door” isn’t secret code for “I’ll be home before you”. Get clarity next time.
YTA. He had plans to hang out with his friends that last longer than he anticipated. You sprung up your surprise while he has already hanging out with this friends.
Stop being so high maintenance and if you want spontinatiety, get him to buy in 1st.
YTA you expect him to rush home from something he was already doing to have a picnic which you didn’t bother to wait for him being home to have???
Yes, 100% YTA.
You are being disingenuous with nearly everything you’ve written.You supposedly weren’t mad but acting ridiculously mad.
Stating he hadn’t shown “care” when he hadn’t shown appropriate shame about not having predicted your plan (no one can read your mind, regardless of small hints).
You had “A PLAN” that was poorly planned and didn’t work out.
Realizing that should have been the end of this whole thing. Instead you’ve chosen to pout and start a fight to make it somehow about feeling “unseen” even though your boyfriend had and probably still has no freaking idea why you’re acting like a loon!
You owe him an apology and need to look into why you reacted this way to begin with, I suggest therapy!
It sounds like you wanted to do something to cheer yourself up and then framed it as something you were doing for your boyfriend. YTA for not just saying “I had a rough day, will you come home?”
I’ll preface this with I’m a woman. YTA. This is what we used to call “high maintenance.” I think it’s perfectly reasonable for him to get home just an hour later. And for you to complain because he didn’t drop everything and run home, when the surprise could have just been ice cream for dessert, is unreasonable. You say he showed “no willingness to work with me.” But he had no idea what was happening!
It seems to me you were giving him a test: “Will he abandon his plans at my beck and call when he has no idea why?” Again, YTA.
I’m sorry, YOU feel gaslit?
You made plans that conflict with his plans, which already makes you the AH, but it gets worse.
You got upset with him that he didn’t have the reaction you wanted over the phone when you told him you had a surprise, and then YOU tried to gaslight him into thinking he’s in the wrong for something that really doesn’t even fucking matter.
So yeah, YTA