I feel l should preface a few things first with this one. This is an incident from a few years ago but I was thinking on it recently, and whether I was justified in my actions.
For clarity’s sake, we’ll call my current partner M, my best friend H and H’s partner L.
Myself and L used to date several years back. We broke up during covid after about 2 years together. L was close with all of my friends as well, and the breakup was amicable so we were happy to keep things civil. I started dating M around late 2020.
M has a tic disorder. They are often reactive, meaning someone could say a trigger word and she would have a tic in response. For people that have or know someone with some kind of tic disorder, they can often be exacerbated by high stress or pressure.
In early 2021, I found out that H and L had started seeing each other. H had been my best friend for about a decade at that point, so I wasn’t best pleased personally. But, we talked it out at some point and I accepted that they were both interested in each other long after myself and L split.
Coming up to my birthday in 2021, I had learnt through mutual friends that L had made some pretty horrible comments regarding M’s tics. Things along the lines of “does she have to make it her whole personality” and “seeking attention I guess.”
Now this really upset me, she had never had this kind of attitude towards people with disabilities, vulnerabilities etc while we were together, so it really caught me by surprise.
So much so that I made a stupid decision to air the dirty laundry in a group chat as soon as I found out. After a lot of back and forth I found out that H had no idea she was making these comments and apologised on her behalf to me.
I said this wasn’t good enough though, and specifically told him that she was no longer welcome at the birthday gathering I was arranging, or any gathering from then on.
He got upset at this and we argued more. This ended up being one of the last times we spoke, as he felt I was purposefully trying to alienate her from our friends group. She was very close with all of us prior to this, however I felt that her comments were completely unacceptable and the fact she offered no apology herself kind of cemented my opinion on the matter.
Forgive me if it feels like there is some context missing at parts, this was over 5 years ago and I was struggling to remember all the details leading up to today. So, based on this, AITA?
You don’t know that it actually happened, and you never asked to find out.
For that, I would say yes, sorry, YTA
NTA i think you had a very reasonable response to some pretty nasty behavior. so sorry that happened i hope it all worked out
NTA. It’s your gathering you can invite anyone you want. He can choose to not go bc his gf wasn’t invited just the same. You did was a good partner would do and that’s stand up for you partner
NTA. Mocking someone’s medical condition is a fair reason to stop inviting them.
…*learnt through mutual friends…*
You should have confirmed personally before going scorched earth. Like calling them and saying you had heard this and it upset you. Maybe they didn’t apologize because they were upset about the gossip without talking to them directly. Doing all of this over text without ever confirming with the accused makes you the AH.
NTA. You are completely valid in how you feel