For context, my oldest is 10 and suffers from severe anxiety ever since the loss of my (39F) grandfather. My child is getting therapy and is waiting for upcoming psychiatric and neurological appointments. The anxiety has caused us not to be as socially active, halted almost all dining out experiences, and made it to where we avoid large crowds. My oldest is not MIL’s bio grandchild.
MIL is insisting that we go to the beach as we have done every summer for the past 5 years. We usually get along okay with the occasional bumps in the road. Today after having taken my youngest to a friend’s school performance (myself and my oldest didn’t go because of the anxiety issue) MIL begins talking about the beach in front of my kids, even though talking about going somewhere can be a trigger. As soon as my oldest heard she began crying about not wanting to go. I tried to calm her down telling her she can do hard things, there was nothing set in stone, and it doesn’t hurt to look at places. Instead of letting me have control of the issue, MIL chimes in that the beach is fun and she should be happy to go. Then she looks at me and says, “Do you think her MawMaw will come watch her for the week while we go to the beach?” I said I’m not okay leaving her for that long, and it wouldn’t kill us to miss the beach this year giving the state of finances and the world right now. She pointed at my youngest and said “Well it’s not fair to her”. I looked MIL dead in the eye and said “It’s our F&@King choice if we go this year or not.” She left the house telling only my youngest bye and that she loved her.
I felt guilty and texted an apology 5 minutes after she left to which she responded with the following: “She has got to get on anxiety meds. It is ruining your life and everyone else’s. I am very worried for your health, you cannot be healthy worrying about this. Laney was so happy just being on the playground for 10 min. She said Skylar begged her to say no tonight and she was so happy she said yes. Her condition is controlling all of you and I am scared. Yes, there will be other years but really a kids childhood goes in a blink. It is not fair to anyone. I think she would cry but then get ok once she got there. She loves the beach, too.”
I have not responded yet. AITA?
NTA. She was not respecting you as a parent and undermining you. You have apologized. Now answer her that you are handling her anxiety, but you need to be allowed to parent without her overriding your techniques. Let her know she needs to step back when your oldest shows anxiety and let you take the lead.
Thank you. I’m trying to ease my oldest into more social situations, but we haven’t gotten back into the swing of long car trips, crowded spaces, public restrooms, restaurants, or overnight trips.
Esh, your Mom handled this poorly and yes you decide if you will go or not. But sacrificing everything for your oldest will hurt your youngest in the long run. You’ll need to find a solution to that otherwise you’ll have 2 with mental issues in the future.
I wonder how much the youngest has missed out on already.
NTA. “As you know, Skylar is being evaluated by specialists, and we will work with them to develop a treatment plan for her. We are aware of the effects that Skylar’s anxiety is having on our family, and we appreciate your help and support as we work through this. You are welcome to your opinions, but I’m sure you understand that the specialists’ recommendations are far more important to us. For now, we must insist that you refrain from sharing your opinions about Skylar’s condition with the kids. Please be patient with our family as we work together to support Skylar through this difficult time.”
And by alll means, try to find ways for Laney to get a break and enjoy a “normal “ life. Your MIL is correct about that, and Laney deserves it.
Best answer. MIL is going to make Skylar anxious about being anxious. OP has Skylar in therapy, and if meds are needed, then the doctors will mention it. (My own kid has anxiety issues, and this is exactly the path we took.)
Thank you. I do try to make sure that Laney gets some normalcy. She does dance, we have regular play dates with friends at our home, and her and I get time out of the house for errands if she wants to come. We are slowly integrating Skylar into going out and have made some major progress lately. Although Skylar carries a bucket with her that has motivational stickers all over it as a “security blanket”. We are trying to find alternatives to the bucket as well.
YTA
Your MIL is right, it is unfair to your youngest and I’m glad someone advocated for her, probably for once. You’re meeting a ten your old run your house. Your response to MIL was rude and uncalled for, especially in front of the children. Her response was gracious and just trying to help. Basically your oldest know she can throw a fit and everything will revolve around her.
This shows someone completely uneducated.. in mental health- anxiety isn’t just throwing a fit? Anxiety can present in different ways especially with the death of a loved family member! She can’t just get over it to make you and everyone else feel better, mother in law overstepped if she was trying to help and be gracious then have the conversation AWAY from the children and allow the parents to handle it! She wouldn’t have been cursed at if she had just spoken to mom/ dad privately not in front of the anxious child! Also NOT visibly showing a dislike to the poor kids comfort item that makes her a giant Ass just for that alone
ESH I actually think MIL was right about one thing – your older daughter needs medication and your younger daughter deserves to go to the beach.
HOWEVER
MIL was wrong to interfere with your parenting and you were BOTH wrong for having this conversation in front of both kids.
Thank you. I try to keep all conversations private especially when I know they might trigger reactions. We are just playing the waiting game for doctor appointments because offices are backed up in my area.
YTA for the reasons your MIL stated. She tried helping by reminding your oldest the beach is fun and she enjoyed it before and you cussed her out
ESH. MIL was a turd. You’re right one beach trip won’t be the end of the world. But she also had a point. It sounds like your daughter is developing agoraphobia. She went from being afraid of whatever she was afraid of to being afraid of being afraid. The triggers will only expand from here. She does need professional help. But that help will force her to her face her fears. The more you give into anxiety the worse it gets and the more it takes away. Missing the beach isn’t the end of the world. Your daughter experiencing a panic attack isn’t either. She is going to have to learn to sit with and mage her anxiety with out running away from triggers. She may not be ready for that yet and likely needs help. But you need to prepare yourself that she is going to haves suffer through this to be free of it. The worst thing isn’t her anxiety it’s allowing her anxiety to destroy her life.
ESH! You’re MIL has a point about your youngest. Are you sure your youngest hasn’t confided in her? It sounds like your youngest is beginning to feel a bit like a glass child. Is it possible to let youngest go to the beach for a week or two with grandma? I don’t agree with how MIL said this but I can see her point a little bit. I would have a deeper conversation and see where this has come from. If the youngest has confided in her then you have a deeper issue at hand