I (F24) live with my mom (59) and sister (28). Dividing chores has always been a struggle. I do my part, but my sister constantly complains and accuses me of doing nothing.
Context: Chores were always treated as punishment in our house. My mom used to say that if I didn’t study, I’d end up as a housewife "stuck cleaning" like her. I’ve always felt more pressured to clean than my sister.
Last year, my mom had a health scare. While she was hospitalized, my sister stayed with her. I stayed home and deep-cleaned the entire house for my mom’s return. The next day, my sister cooked lunch. I did the laundry and then sat down to study (I’m currently unemployed, studying for service exam).
My sister demanded I wash the dishes she used. She is extremely messy, using multiple pots for one meal. I said no, as I’d already cleaned the house and handled the laundry. She blew up, claiming she was "exhausted" and that since I spent a few months away recently, I "owed it" to her. She harassed me until I cried in front of guests. My mom saw it all but didn’t intervene.
Now, whenever we argue, my sister says: "You’re home more/unemployed, so you should do everything." If I talk to my mom, she dismisses me, saying "others have bigger problems" or "people are starving."
My sister also mocks me for attention. For example, the first time she met my boyfriend, she told him he’d "have to get used to unblocking sh*t" if he lived with me. When I got visibly upset and went quiet, my mom – who was right there – called me "annoying" instead of calling out my sister. She often tries to make me look "silly" in front of others. When I confront her, she calls me a hypocrite and claims I humiliate her, though I usually just avoid her.
They both tell me I "make things up," even when I remember them vividly. Coincidentally, they only think I "invent" the things they did wrong to me (they even claimed I was lying to my therapist about my mother). They’ve told me I don’t need therapy because I "don’t have problems.
Generally, we get along, but we have this "silly" problem that I can’t seem to solve. I have insomnia, so I sleep late and wake up late, which drives my mom crazy. I’m trying to wake up earlier, but with the exhaustion and anxiety, I’ve been feeling increasingly unmotivated. I still study and send out resumes, but it never feels like enough.
AITA for wanting my sister to help more? Am I a bad daughter? Please be kind and give me tips on how I can improve this situation.
NTA – this isn’t really an AITA post, but ask your therapist how they would describe this dynamic.
Then look up ‘golden child’, ‘scapegoat’, and ‘DARVO’. The exhaustion, anxiety, and demotivation are signs of increased mental stress, and not a ‘silly problem’ at all.
Could you possibly move out?