Firstly I want to apologise as English is not my first language. I 19F recently fell out with a friend of mine, (Fake names) Amy 23F and I’m honestly not sure if I crossed a line.
For context, Amy has been dating her boyfriend Jake 28M for almost 2 years and from what she has told me, their relationship has some pretty concerning dynamics. Amy has described arguments where he shoved a dust cloth in her face and grabbed her by the face while they were fighting. He also regularly makes comments like “you’re not even my standard type of woman.” On top of that, he drinks quite heavily and uses cocaine.
There have also been other situations that made me uneasy. For an example Amy once told me about a party where she stepped outside briefly, and when she came back she found Jake sitting on the couch with another woman 40F who was on his lap.
When Amy told me about these things, I was quite stunned and I mentioned that none of it is normal or healthy. Now this is where I might be the asshole, but I have a short temper and I don’t tolerate violence in the slightest, so I told Amy that Jake is the definition of a cave man, who doesn’t understand how to express himself with words plus he is a pathetic excuse for a man who doesn’t deserve any woman, in addition that his mother should be ashamed for raising someone who treats people like that. At one point she even told me something along the lines of “honestly, thank you, without you I don’t know where I’d be, I know this isn’t normal.” We had a long conversation where I asked her a hypothetical question: if she had a daughter one day, would she want her to stay in a relationship like that? Well of course Amy said no.
Because of all this, we actually started talking about her leaving and moving to another city. I even offered that she could stay at my place for a week while she figured things out.
Then we didn’t talk for a couple of days, and suddenly she messaged me saying that I’m too negative of a person for her and that she doesn’t want people like that in her life. She said she’s grateful to me for “helping put some sense into her boyfriend,” because Jake decided to go to therapy as well as to a pshycologist for his anger issues. Amy believes he’s capable of changing and doesn’t want to keep hearing criticism about Jake.
Now I’m confused. From my perspective, I was responding to the things she herself told me and trying to look out for her. But she seems to see my concern as negativity and judgment.
So AITA for being blunt about how I see her relationship instead of just staying supportive and keeping my opinions to myself?
NTA. She wants to live in delusion, and you’re telling her the truth jeopardized that.
NTA, she’ll either apologize and tell you how she left him or you’ll see him successfully trap her in marriage. Regardless you did all you could for her
I really hope that she comes out of this. At some point Jake said he doesn’t want kids, but Amy does so I’m not sure how it would work out.
NTA
Sounds like Amy has tried to talk to Jake and he has got his claws back into her.
Op you’re NTH.
NTA
Abusers like Amy’s BF are great at pretending to do everything their gf/partner wants so that they can trap them into staying in the relationship. Then they slowly isolate those people from their support system like close friends, family etc. Once that has been achieved, the mask slips off and the demon within reveals itself.
Just try to be there for Amy because there may be a time in future when she wants to get away from that guy and she may need all the help she can get.
For now, respect her need for space and keep away. You have done nothing wrong.
Thank you! I am keeping my distance as this is not the first time, that she has wanted to leave her abusive relationship. I also got tired of her promising to get out of there, if Jake puts his hands on her once more. Amy is really in love with Jake and also dependant on him, since he pays for all of the rent
NTA, you did your best for her, now it’s her turn. It sounds like she doesn’t want to take your advice on board so she doesn’t want you around to say ‘I told you so’.
NTA, this is actually very common with victims of domestic abuse. They tell you ugly truths but if you tell them directly that they’re in a bad relationship and need to break up with their partner, usually they lash out at you for attacking their partner.
I believe some of the techniques they teach are responding back with questions instead of thoughts on your own, such as “how does that make you feel?” Type of thing. I think you did do a good job by asking “is this how you would want your daughter to be treated in a relationship”? And I think questions like those can really put the relationship into perspective for the person going through abuse.
However, a lot of abusers gaslight and brainwash their victims constantly, so it’s hard to erase all that damage with one honest conversation, and all it takes is for them to be back with the abuser for that person to change their mind and make you out to be the bad guy.
If you’d like to remain friends with this person, it will be super difficult because no one likes to see a loved one being treated so poorly, especially when it’s so obvious to you and not them. Just try to avoid saying bad things about her partner and when she rants about his abusive behavior again, and ask leading questions that allow her to reflect on how it makes her feel instead of “telling” her how she needs to feel. And of course just make sure she knows you have her back and will be there for her if a change does need to occur.
I’m not an expert, but I know there are definitely abuse hotlines and websites that can give better advice on how to deal with a friend being abused than I can.
NTA but it is very very very common in abusive relationships that the one enduring the abuse thinks of leaving, gets to scared (not even always of physical danger, it’s really hard to keep any self confidence in finding love, or a life worth living) that they do not leave. Then cutting off the person who was helping them see things is also VERY common.
Honestly there is nothing you can do, but you could send a message saying ‘ I hope you are okay. If you ever do not feel save or need somewhere to stay you can always reach me. Best of luck.’ Or something like this.
The chance is high that he is reading her messages.
Also, you are quite young to do deal with this. You did everything right, it’s up to her to leave.