First off i’d like to say I have low grade/mild Asperger’s syndrome and have always had a hard time getting social cues and not being too emotional that seemed emotionally disconnected to others. Growing up we only went to visit my grandparents, mostly during religious or regular holidays once or twice a year. I also work FT retail and am barely scraping by as well.
My grandma is in her 90s. Both her mental and physical health have been declining quite a bit and we’re fairly sure she’s in the later stages of dementia, the entire family(mine, aunt, uncles, etc) moved both her and my grandfather into the best nursing home close to where they lived when they grew up and married, which is over 200 miles away from me a few years ago. We’ve only visited both of them once since then in person and they were shadows of themselves and obviously had severe cognitive decline, getting into conversation loops and forgetting about who we were sometimes. Two weeks ago, we got a call saying that my grandama had gone mostly non-verbal and stopped eating much; we saw the writing on the wall of what was going to happen. Yesterday, we got a call that she was then brought into the hospital for trouble breathing and that she basically broke down, screaming she wanted to die.
At this point most of the family was making plans to try and visit soon as an expected last visit to both of them because it seems like she doesn’t have much time left and honestly, my grandparents were so close my grandpa is most likely to follow soon afterwards.
AITA for not wanting to visit them, as I never felt too close, and uncomfortable with seeing them in a state where they barely/may not able to even know who I am, and having difficulty trying to even travel to get to them due to financial reasons and distance?
not the asshole, sounds like a tough spot to be in. it’s okay to protect your own mental health and boundaries.
Do you not care about your other family members? Because even if I wasn’t close to my great grandma I would still go because I know that there are other family members that need support. I would recognize that it wasn’t about me.
If you don’t care to support your other family members during this time, you have zero right to be upset if nobody came to see you when you’re on your deathbed.
>I would recognize that it wasn’t about me.
This very much seems to be the issue here. OP goes on and on about how inconvenient it would be for them to go. Death in family is pretty damn inconvenient if you ask me.
Clearly OP being there would mean alot to the relatives not on their death beds.
NTA. Death on a whole can be a lot for some, especially the death of a family member. Also not wanting to see them in that state is also very valid, because that may be one of the most imprinted memories you have of her/them.
Protect your peace as best you can.
NAH.
My grandmother was taken off end-of-life care about 6 weeks ago, and passed away less than two days later. I had planned to travel down to see her, but we got the call that she’d died just as we were leaving the house. My grandmother was also in her 90s and had dementia, so probably wouldn’t have gotten much out of seeing me. I hadn’t seen her in over ten years when she died. I wanted her to meet my baby, but that wouldn’t have been possible because he wouldn’t have been allowed in the ward anyway. He wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway.
Even though I did try to get to my grandmother, I don’t feel like she or I missed out on anything by missing that window, so I can’t blame you for not trying, if that makes sense. Like, all my motivation for going was personal – no one else suffered if I made a different decision, and I didn’t really lose anything from it not working out. So, I’m imagining it’s the same for you – no one, including you, will lose anything from you not going. I can remember my grandmother and tell stories about her, and not seeing her on her deathbed isn’t that big a loss.
I am glad we went to the funeral and my grandfather met the baby though, because he’s still compos mentis.
Wow. And when you are on your deathbed, when nobody bothers to come see you because of some weird idea that we all have to have memories of how someone was…..
That is immature and has nothing to do with being a good, kind person to so hold their hand, tell them a story that warmed your heart with them, tell them you will miss them and squeeze their hand and hold it for five minutes.
Shame on you.
I’m going to say 2 things. First, you are NTA. You’ve not had much of relationship but it is also difficult to see people in certain conditions can mess with the emotions & also could alter the memories you want to keep of them. They’re at a certain stage where it won’t make a difference if you visit or not. Late stage life going into death grieving is more for others than the people themselves.
The 2nd, I’m going to say this gently. Asperger’s is not something that is part of the medical world. Autism is now a spectrum. Asperger’s was created by an SS doctor to differentiate the good from the bad kind of Autistic (Eugenics). The term is outdated & problemstic
YTA. How old are you? Family matters.
I need a little more information. Is the rest of your family upset with you not going? As another person said, they may need or want you there as support. If you are able to go and you’re choosing not to, you may be causing some deep family wounds without knowing it.
But, I also understand that travel costs money, and if you’re not able and they aren’t willing to contribute to help you get there and home, they can’t expect you to be there.
go for your parents and your relationship with them
Soft YTA.
There are some difficult, inconvenient and uncomfortable things in life we do because it’s the right thing. Visiting our family at the end of their life is one of them.
Remember also, it’s one of the social niceties we do to support other members of the family.
I think the visit is more for the rest of the family, not just Grandma. Especially if she was good to you. People with Dementia often get moments of clarity and might be happy to see you. I visited a friend hours before his passing and he smiled when he saw me.
If I were in your situation, I would offer support to my parents. Do you live close enough to them where you could look after their house/pets/plants while they’re traveling? That would be helpful and a kindness while one of them is going through the loss of a parent.
I don’t think you’re an AH. What a difficult time for your family. I’m sorry for you all.
If you can’t get there physically ask a family member to set up a video call on the phone or something so you can see each other. You’ll probably regret not talking to her before she’s gone.