Either I’m entirely in the wrong or I’m being so gaslit that I don’t even have a clear view of this anymore and I want people to be brutally honest. I am the eldest daughter in an ethnic household. I’m a full-time university student and I have four younger siblings still in school.
Ever since I got my license in Feb 2025 it became my responsibility to pick up my siblings from school and drop them home, which is about a 30-minute drive one way. I’ve made it clear that I don’t like having such a big responsibility, but it was still expected of me.
I graduated high school last year and since starting uni I haven’t been doing it as much. Usually it’s my mum or my grandmother now. My mum works full time and my dad can’t drive due to an accident.
When I’m free I do pick up the kids if I’m asked. But there are days when I’m at uni or working and genuinely cannot do it. Despite that, I’m constantly made out to be selfish and like I don’t care about my siblings because I don’t prioritise driving them everywhere.
Recently we were talking about a friend who is also the eldest daughter and has a very strict mother. I said I would hate to have no freedom while constantly having to do things for others. My mum responded by saying I’m selfish, that I have no interest in my siblings, and that the only person I care about succeeding is myself. She said if I didn’t “hate them so much” then helping them would be easier. My brother also chimed in saying I see them as a burden because I don’t care about them.
The thing is, I drove them back and forth for a year while I was still in high school. I think because I’ve been vocal about not wanting this responsibility anymore, they now see me as selfish because I’m not eager to drop everything for them.
I’m honestly just tired of feeling like I’m doing a lot but it’s never enough. If I’m not helping, it feels like the moment someone needs something I’m expected to drop everything because we’re supposed to be a “unit.”
I also don’t ask much about their lives because no one really asked about mine growing up. I handled my own problems and never relied on anyone.
I don’t blame my siblings for needing help and I don’t blame my mum for working. I just feel frustrated because I’m trying to manage university and work while still helping when I can.
My mum says she was also the eldest and all her siblings relied on her, but I don’t want that kind of responsibility all the time.
So am I being selfish for not wanting to constantly drop everything for my siblings, or is it reasonable for me to focus on my own life while still helping when I can?
NTA, Just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you’re their personal chauffeur. You gotta take care of yourself too it’s not selfish to wanna live your own life. Your fam needs to chill and realize you’re not a free ride. Like, they gotta respect your boundaries!
this means a lot thankyou
Can you live on campus? You need to abdicate this position or you’ll will be their back up plan forever. You have to live your own life. You have to concentrate on your education and your job. Those are your priorities and are nonnegotiable. You only get one life and it goes by so very quickly. Take care of yourself and good luck.
sounds like you’re just trying to not end up a family chauffeur while juggling uni. being the oldest doesn’t mean you’re the unpaid taxi service.
NTA. Just because you need time for work or school, or gasp, for yourself, doesn’t make you selfish. I don’t know why your younger brother believes you don’t want him to succeed, but I would sit your mom down and have a talk with her because, obviously, she’s brainwashed your siblings into believing you are selfish and uncaring. Do you make enough money to afford a roommate situation? If you can move out and rely on your own transportation it would be better. I know there are pressures in an ethnic household, but there is only so much of yourself that you can sacrifice for the good of others.
thankyou, I think what vexes me the most is the amount of pressure i had to get my license to help out and at the time of course i was eager to get it because i thought it would mean more freedom but instead it became a leash. my brother is older than i was when i was going for my license and hes yet to get it. the reason im asking, is because no one in my family agrees with me they all believe i could be doing more to the extent that i now truly question if i am selfish and i needed a new perspective . i cant move out because i dont make enough being a full time student and all but either way i truly appreciate your advice.
NTA for wanting to focus on university and work. You are not their parent and I don’t believe it’s your responsibility to take care of your siblings. Parents shouldn’t have more kids than they can take care of & you are their sister- not their mom.
“I am working” and “I am in class” are 100% legitimate reasons for expecting your siblings to take care of themselves in presumably the same manner you had to when younger
NTA!
Your siblings are the responsibility of your parents!
*My mum says she was also the eldest and all her siblings relied on her, but I don’t want that kind of responsibility all the time. -* This is just wrong!
NTA. But that being said… did your parents pay for your car? Do they pay for gas/insurance? Because if so, then absolutely you should be driving your siblings
i was paying it off and paid about 2k and they paid the rest, i pay for gas and i have no insurance. the thing is i help when i can if they need my help and im not busy i do it. but my dilemma is not having the time to and still being labeled as selfish. i would’ve much rather pay the car off alone than be constantly called selfish.
Info: do you still live with your parents?
yes