I (25 M) am in a friend group of about 8 others guys. Note that they all went to high school together, and I joined the group later through 1 member, but have been in the group for the last 5 years. My friends always do a collection of money for friends birthdays. Usually we end up getting them a pair of shoes or golf items between us (all putting in $20 or similar to get the total). This week it’s a friend’s birthday and Ive been asked to contribute $20 for a present. The problem ? I’ve noticed they’ve never got me a present, there’s never been a collection of money, or pair of shoes given to me for my birthday. My birthday is in January so I know that most people are broke after Christmas, but my friends birthday who is a week after mine (Jan 29th) always gets a present, that yes I contribute towards. On top of this, I work in a shoe store so they use MY discount when buying shoe presents. So this time I don’t want to contribute. It seems petty and I know the guys in the groups will tell me to grow up as it’s $20, but it’s not about the money but about the premise. Also I don’t have unlimited discounts in my job, so I’m giving up a discount (therefore saving the group about $60) and ALSO contributing the $20 to make the total. Am I the asshole if I don’t contribute ?
NTA
But have you considered, …I don’t know…, talking to them about this?
I mean, he can talk to them….but it’s not like this is the first year of their friendship.
It’s been five years and if gift-giving like this is a routine, then it’s clear there is a clear disregard towards OP and not ignorance of when his birthday is. Op is like the new guy to friendships that is only in the group because he has a car and the other guys want rides to places.
sounds like you’re not really in the friend group if they’re not including you in the birthday love. do what feels right for you, but it’s kinda shady on their part for sure.
If it were the first year of friendship with these guys I would probably say that you might be over-reacting, but after 5 years…..I don’t think the issue is necessarily about the lack of a gift, but the lack of care and regard towards you.
I always tell people to not hold bitterness in their heart, but that doesn’t mean I support them to continue relationships that may not be good for them.
Would you be the AH? Put the shoes/gift subject away for a moment…..really think about these friendships and ponder if they are what you really want for yourself. If so, then give them the money for the gift and continue on. If not, don’t give the money and go your own way.
Why don’t you first bring this up to the guy that brought you into the group? Ask him why you are never included in birthday gifts. Also let him know that when you contribute a discount, you would like to see the discount as your contribution, since it means you can’t use it for yourself.
NTA, but talk to your friend. Then update.
(edited typo)
NTA But isn’t this something you should bring up directly to them?
NTA but I do wonder why you never mentioned it to them
NTA. Just ask your friends who have been the recipients of these gifts. And explain to them the limited discount policy at your work. Tell them to stop being petty and miserly.
They sound like shitty friends. Have you asked them why you never get a present despite chipping in for theirs?
NTA…Just be open and honest about why. They obviously know they didn’t collect for your birthday. If they aren’t apologetic and understanding, then you know what kind of friends you have.
Its not really $20 its $100; plus your giving out 5 acknowledgements. And receiving 0. Nta. Plus the added discount is on your end
Just be like things have changed at work – and don’t give any money or discounts. If anyone says shit – tell them that since you’ve been left out so many times – you no longer wish to contribute to birthday gifts that are not reciprocated.
These people aren’t your friends.
Tell them apparently you are not part of the birthday group. In 5 yrs you have never got a gift. So why are you giving money?