Hi, I am 18F, living with my low functioning autistic brother, who turns 18 this year. I recently got into an argument with my mother about his autism, and how he barely knows how to talk. It isn’t shocking, considering he is autistic- but he cannot even understand. All he understands is: wash your behind, eat, sit, and sleep.
It’s depressing. I can’t even try to imagine us having a relationship as brother and sister because it’s like a stranger living at our home. It’s not like I lashed out for nothing. He’s been increasingly frustrated by a lot (which we have no idea about, since he literally cannot talk) and we’ve had to deal with him constantly breaking things in the house because of his tantrums. He breaks, yells, throws things out of windows, hits people, and has broken concrete from his repeated stomps from his foot during his tantrums. He has thrown glass, hard & sharp objects at my mother. He has cuts and bruises from hitting himself during these tantrums. He is increasingly becoming dangerous and we have no idea what to do.
The argument broke out because I’ve recently gotten into med school, which requires me to focus more on my studies and less about fun, activities, and other hobbies. But, my brother has been throwing tantrums over god knows what. I cannot seem to figure out what he wants no matter how much soft talk I try to do.
I told my mom about this, to which she said it was my fault I wasn’t being patient. I never raised my voice at him, he was just completely stubborn for no reason towards me. She then told me that I am the oldest, and I should be able to cater to his needs regardless of the stubborn attitude. But honestly.. I cannot take the tantrums & breaking shit around the house anymore. He’s broken so many valuables, and so much glass. He even managed to break my mirror’s vanity. I never lashed out. I just set a goal in mind that the minute I get the funds, he’s going to see a professional ASAP.
He needs to see a professional and my mom’s scared that they might use unmoral ways to discipline him. I don’t know what to do.
Nta you are not your brother’s keeper. It should in no way be your responsibility to take care of him. Focus on yourself and your studies. Congrats on getting into med school! Have fun learning how to save lives!
Moving out early seems to be the answer. Even though it’ll cost a shit ton in loans. Better than doing bad in school.
Parents dont realize how hard this is and when they do they try to pawn it on a sibling.
Info: what do you want her to do exactly? When you say he needs to see a professional does that mean he’s not getting treatment currently?
Info: where do you live?
I’m gonna say NTA – also it sounds like the right care isn’t being given to your brother which is part of the problem. It’s not your responsibility though – it’s your mother’s.
Med school at 18 that’s awesome, congrats!
It sounds like a very difficult home situation for everyone (you, your mom, and your brother). I can’t imagine the number of sacrifices your whole family has had to make.
I think there is a wide variety of options for professional assistance and help and that some research into options will help. Not taking action, just understanding what options there are. And maybe over time your mom could get more comfortable with an option that aligns with your family.
NTA for mentioning that there may be some programs to help him
YTA for the way you’re talking about him and his needs. Hope med school helps you with that.
YWNBTA.
First of all, you’ve been patient enough. And your mother will NEVER tell you that. Because she wants things to stay the same.
But they can’t stay the same. Your brother is nearly an adult. His brain may not be functioning normally, but his HORMONES certainly are. Testosterone causes aggression.
It is very likely that your mother cannot continue to care for your brother long term. And even if you sacrificed your career for your brother, even the both of you may not be enough.
And you are not the parent. It is in no way your responsibility to care for him, especially in the way your mother dictates. Everyone will be better off if you complete your studies and learn the best practices for the medical community to help your brother.
Your brother is not being “stubborn”; he has wants and needs that he can’t communicate. You’re not the AH for feeling frustrated and wanting your mother to get your brother help, but YTA for the way you’re framing all of this.
NTA, your brother is literally throwing glass at people and breaking concrete with his feet, and your mom’s response is to tell YOU to be more patient? He desperately needs professional support, and your mom refusing that out of fear is actually hurting him more than any professional ever would.
either NAH or ESH. the level your brother is at requires full-time care. but i don’t think it is ok to require you to be the one to do it. caring for someone FT is hard and can make people totally lose it, i get that. i don’t know where you live that your mom is worried about getting a professional caretaker; her concerns are really troubling. like, no, discipline isn’t what is needed here. i’d hope a professional caretaker who understands autism wouldn’t be doing that. but i do think your mom needs help.