AITA, I come from a High middle class family. My mom and dad has always made sure that me and my two brothers have never stressed about money. Backstory I am a 19 year old girl and my brothers are 15 and 16.
Even tho I have always thought I was a good person, my parents have always been good at pointing out my flaws. I have always been messy, my room is always a mess, and they often say I am manipulative and mean to them. I have heard this since I was young.
When I was 18 I got my drivers licence and my parents bought a car that I have free use of. I was very grateful of course! Then a month ago my 16 year old got his license for a car that only fits 1 passenger (I’m from Norway we have weird rules), But ever since they did this I have become the family’s taxi. It doesn’t matter when, I am always expected to drive my family around. If it is late, even if I am going to school the next day, if I have other plans or if I am sick, and so on. They always threaten to take the car away if I am “bad” or if I do something that they don’t agree to. They also use money as a threat. For example I’m in a situation now:
I have something that I need to pay, about 400 dollars, and they have said that they would pay for half, so I have put money away, 200 dollars. But yesterday me and my dad had a fight. My brothers where at training together, when the brother that has a license comes home without the other brother because “he didn’t ask to come home with me” so he just drove home without him…then shocker my other brother calls my dad and ask if he can pick him up, my dad (who also could get him, he just didn’t want to) asked me to do it. I said no, because I am sick, have been home from school, fever and just standing up was exhausting…my dad got mad and we fought but I thought we were done with this situation. My brother took the bus and got home so no one had to get him.
But then today a was going to pay so I asked them for the 200 dollars, but my dad just said that he didn’t want to give me it because of my attitude yesterday.
I’m just wondering if I’m the spoiled asshole or if what my parents are doing is wrong? Are they using money to control me? This happens all the time, and it can be the smallest things that just escalate into me being spoiled and the worst daughter.. there is a lot more to the story, but I just need to know if it is me of my parents, I’m I a spoiled brat that needs to get my act together or am my feelings on this valid?
Info: What was the money for and what else are you expected to do around the house as an adult woman?
This is bordering ESH and NTA. Do you currently have an income of your own? You said you have school, are you in university or high school?
Our oldest son is younger than you, still in high school. He has a job, but doesn’t make a lot of money. We are trying to help him learn financial responsibility and budgeting, so we pay pretty much half of any expenses he has, and he’s expected to pay the rest. So I’d say in that regard, there isn’t really much of an issue in you paying your share, if you have an income.
That being said **** Expecting you to chauffeur everyone around late into the evenings, early mornings, or when you are ill, is certainly a poor choice and unrealistic expectation on your parents’ end of things. I think maybe there is a communication failure happening somewhere, and everyone’s expectations should be altered a bit.
I work two jobs, but I don’t earn more than around 200-300 a month. I am in high school.
It is messed up that they agreed to give you half only to change their minds. They can do that which is a bummer but that doesn’t mean yta. Just means that maybe this relationship you have with your parents is transactional and conditional. If this isn’t something you can deal with or withstand you may want to consider other options for living arrangement and such. You can’t “good daughter” your way into making this a relationship it’s not. If it was going to be something different it would have been years ago but you’re an adult and I know you have more times than you can count where your mom or dad did something like this to you before. Ask yourself do you want this or no then go from there. Plan and move in silence if you decide to move out.
Thank you so much. This definitely isn’t the first time, and there is a lot more to the story, I am moving out because of school in august.
INFO
There’s nowhere near enough info here to give a decent judgment.
But in general, the eldest kid does do a lot of the running around of the younger kids when living at home and moreso if parents bought the car.
“I have something that I need to pay” – what? It matters. And where did the $200 you’ve saved come from as you’ve not mentioned having a job?
What happened before your brother got his own car? He obviously wasn’t driving anyone around before, so why is it now falling to you – who did it before this?
I think there’s a lot going on that you’re missing here… or just not telling us.
Getting you to pick up your brother when you’re sick after the other brother drove home without him is out of order admittedly. But are you clearly ill? If you were hanging around the house as normal and whining that your other brother should do it, I can see your Dad’s point of view.
I have had my license for about 1 years and 2 months. My brother got his about a moth ago. Before I got my license my dad used to drive my brothers a lot, and me somethimes but I usually went by bus or friends. After I got my licence I drive, even tho my brother now also have his license. The money is for my graduation clothes, I have 2 jobs, and ears about 200-300 dollars a month. I was in bed or in our sofa all day, my father works from home so he knew that I was sick
NTA here. If dad was in the mood to punish someone, he should have punished the driving brother by making him go back to get other brother. The two of them were the source of the problem, not you. Maybe under other circumstances, he would be right to withhold money on the grounds that you’re not pulling your weight around the house, but not these.
At the same time, you’re an adult, you need to start figuring out how you’re going to pay for your own things rather than expect your parents to save the day. The good news is that you’re moving out for college soon and will get an opportunity to do just that.
Seems like you don’t mind doing the work normally, but the root of this issue lies in your dad using money for conditional control and threats. I think your dad is in the wrong here and should have made your brother go and fix the problem he created rather than placing that burden on you. If your parents use money and control tactics like this often, it probably isn’t a good environment to gain your bearings in. It likely feels pretty restrictive and oppressive.
You’re allowed to be grateful for what your parents provide and still have real, human limits when being sick.
Maybe make them a gratitude card and explain that you really haven’t been feeling well, but that you’re glad to help when you are. For your future, I’m glad you won’t be living at home during college years. Some parents aren’t super good at giving up the absolute control they’ve had over their adult children. This will give you autonomy and you’ll be forged by doing more on your own.
NTA
You do your share of home chores, and more; you are not being lazy or irresponsible. How can any parent say to a child who was sick enough to stay home from school, that THEY need to put the time and effort into fixing something that another child just cavalierly dropped the ball on? And then call you a spoiled brat and withhold something they committed to because you dared challenge the notion that it was your responsibility to fix?
NTA: You’re still in high school. I think some folks are missing that. You should be focusing on studying and generally sound responsible. My parents bought my graduation clothes. That’s not really reasonable to have unless you really go overboard. Making your school aged daughter run errands while sick is ridiculous.
Being in Norway why do you need dollars and not euros?
We just nok (Norwegian krone) but I taught it would be easier for everyone to understand if I translated the money. In nok it is 4357kr
It almost sounds like buying the car so you could use it whenever you wanted came with unexplained strings attached – that you would be the family chauffeur. Your father shouldn’t offer to help you with an expense and then change his mind because of something that happened a day earlier – being sick is the best excuse there is not to help drive. I saw under another comment that you said you’ll be moving out in August. That’s the best move. Hang in there, and I hope things improve for you when you do.