Asking for genuine advice here; I’m autistic and have always been really bad at regulating my tone and facial expressions. I also have an auditory processing disorder and typically end up hyperfocusing on one thing at a time– typing something, playing a game, or making an art project– to the point where I end up tuning everything else out, whether it be music or people speaking.
So, I’ve taken to saying "Sorry, what was that? I wasn’t listening." or "Sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention." when I ask someone to repeat themselves, now giving them my full attention. Usually this goes decently and people just repeat themselves, but sometimes people give me dirty looks as if I’ve just said something incredibly rude to them.
I’m never trying to be rude and try to say it with a nice tone, but I’m not the best at that all the time. Could that be the problem? Or is it genuinely just a rude thing to say and I don’t realize it??
NTA. I feel like saying “I wasn’t paying attention” or “I was distracted” come across more polite then “I wasn’t listening” though.
That makes sense, I just default to that because it’s honestly what was happening, I was focused on something else and wasn’t listening. I didn’t know it was rude 🙁
I think it comes from saying “I wasn’t listening” sounding more intentional then getting distracted or not paying attention. It’s not inherently rude but people can take it the wrong way and as if you chose not to listen the first time
You could try “I didn’t catch that”.
Which is true, you didn’t catch what they said, it just allows them to assume you didn’t catch what they said because you missed some of the words or they were too quiet etc, rather than you not catching it because you were not listening in the first place.
“I wasn’t listening” is really close to “I’m not listening lalalala” that kids do (so could drawn an unpleasant parallel) and carries an under tone of the assumption that you were ignoring them (which is typically rude) instead of hyper focusing on what you were doing to the extent that you blocked out all other input.
Or you say, “sorry I was focusing on (insert task), what did you say?” Which is both honest about the reason but also can put a more positive spin if it is a task that needed to be doing/ important/productive (like homework, studying, doing a work task etc)
You can just say the “Sorry, what was that?” part and leave out “I wasn’t listening.” NAH
NTA, As someone with ADHD I use the response “sorry I did not catch that as I was dealing with XYZ what did you just say/ask” and if they give any pushback or a dirty look like you’re sometimes getting, I point out I have adhd and tend to have issues with hyperfocusing and auditory processing issues so if they don’t want to have to repeat themselves to first make sure they have my undivided attention before saying anything important
YTA for how you say it.
To people who do not know about your disability „I wasn’t listening” sounds incredibly rude. Just saying sorry and asking people to repeat themselves is much better and won’t make them feel like they are completely insignificant to you,
NTA but instead of saying I wasn’t listening try saying I didn’t hear you. It’s the same thing but I wasn’t listening sounds intentional to some people whereas I didn’t hear you is more like you were trying to listen and still didn’t catch it. It’s the same thing and you did nothing wrong but it’s another option of you are unsure how the person will react
Try some variant of “I want to make sure I understand what you’re asking, can you repeat that please.” It will have the exact opposite effect of “I wasn’t listening.”
NAH since it sounds like general miscommunication.
People often interpret “I wasn’t listening” as “you aren’t worth listening to” or “I made no effort to listen to you” and then get insulted.
Generally I just go with “sorry, I got distracted- can you repeat that?” Or “sorry, I was so focused on what I was doing I didn’t hear you – can you repeat that?”
I’ve been going with something like “sorry my brain didn’t process that”
The words you use and delivery of the words is key here. NTA. But rephrase it. And make a noticeable effort to listen if you ask them to repeat themselves. They may think it’s a waste of time to do so if you don’t look like you’re making an effort the second time. And if they don’t know you are having troubles, explain in a way that is genuine and factual. Don’t seem like you are making excuses. It’s not excuses, but sometimes people think you can help it, when in fact you cannot. Again, the words you choose and the attitude you have. Hang in there. If you were the ahole, you wouldn’t even be posting this or giving it a second thought.
YTA for the phrasing. Just say you didn’t hear them