I have a friend who only seems to message me when they need something. Recently they asked me to help them with a project that would take a few hours of my time. The thing is, before this message we hadn’t talked for weeks, and the last few times we spoke it was also because they needed help with something. I started feeling like they only contact me when it benefits them.
This time I told them I was busy and couldn’t help, even though technically I could have made some time. Now they’re acting annoyed and saying I’m being a bad friend and that helping each other is what friends do. I feel a bit guilty but also feel like I’m being used.
AITA for refusing to help this time?
People who never help others are always the first to complain when others don’t help them.
NTA. Drop this person.
Fk em. If you haven’t been interested in contacting them, no major loss if you stop being friends.
NTA. You don’t owe them your time \*every\* time they ask.
Yes, friends help each other, but that’s not the only time you should hear from them. And if you don’t need help with any projects, then it certainly starts to feel like they are taking advantage of you.
We’ve all been there. You’re NTA.
Learning who is and who isn’t a friend is part of growing up. Establishing boundaries around that is, too.
The fact is, the moment they tried to guilt you they validated your fears; they’re attempting to manipulate you now for their own gain.
NTA. They said helping each other is what friends do, but have they ever helped you? Based on your description, I’m guessing no, or at least very close to no. I wouldn’t feel guilty about no longer wanting to be used by someone who only wants a one-way “friendship”.
Be honest/show receipts. This “friendship” is one-sided. If they want to contact you to socialize, great. However if they only reach out when they want something, the friendship has run its course and is over. Make that crystal clear.
nta, you’re finally setting a boundary
NTA boundaries are important BUT you should say something “You only contact me when you need something. That is not a friend that is a user”
You could test them. Say you could help but to make the time they need to do something for you. Hard to guess, but something like arrange food delivery for a week so you have more time to help. You could pay, or they could cook and stock your fridge. Something that will be a really obvious time saver for you. If they can help you in return then it is fair
I suspect they will say no and attempt to gaslight you into seeing yourself as the baddie but you are on to their tricks now. If they say no then simply state you can only help friends who return the favour.
Ask yourself this… if you ask a friend for help, and they couldnt help… would you slag them off to your mates because of it? It seems like an unhinged thing to do in my opinion, and id want away from that behaviour immediately and indefinately.
NTA. Honestly, you’re under no obligation to provide a friend with several hours of free help on a “project” under any circumstances.
If they only contact you when they need something they’re not your friend, they’re a user. If they can’t make time for you then match the energy. NTA
NTA “If not wanting to only be contacted for free, hours-long, on-demand labor makes me a bad friend then so be it. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate that you lack competence in resolving without handholding. It might be time for you to assess the commitments you’ve made.”
I’d dump this person since this is a habit and they have their head firmly shoved up their ass.