So for context, there is a lot of gray area in the relationship, but we have been together for about two years although much of the time we have been open because we live in two different countries and both travel a lot. It was my idea to have it open because of all of the time we spend apart, but we are very much committed as a partnership to be together at some point. She revealed that she had multiple videos of her having sex with different partners, ex-boyfriends, random partners, and also one of the partners that she was with while we were together in an open relationship. She mentions that she has videos going back 10 years of sexy things of her and other people the first time she told me of it I mentioned that I thought it was weird, but was still getting to know her and didn’t want to be insecure and ask her to get rid of them also because I wanted to have open relations and I thought it was somewhat fair. Recently, as things have been getting more serious voiced a little bit more that I thought it was weird and wish that she would delete them. it came to the point where I was sort of demanding that she deleted them and she was very defensive and felt forced and said that they were a part of her as well as it being unfair that I want her to delete them, but want open relations in the future. Saying that it is worse to want open relations in the future then it is to have videos of things from the past. I can’t seem to understand her perspective and I think that having videos to use as porn from past experiences with random encounters, ex-boyfriend’s and especially this one guy she had sex with while we were in an open relationship because I specifically asked her not to for that one. I am not innocent in the relationship such as I struggled with identifying feelings with another partner and lacked a necessary level of communication in the past so I don’t want this to sound too biased. I’d like to see the opinion of strangers about the differences of having a video of the past to watch for porn and to share with your friends as she said for bragging and idolization of these encounters, while being in a relationship regardless, if it’s open monogamous poly etc etc. versus the desire to keep an open relationship for future encounters. I hope that makes sense thank you bye. 🤓
Maybe try to split the wall of text into paragraphs and someone might read it.
YTA – Her body, her video, her choice. At no point is she your property.
YTA
YTA.
You want it all your way – and you seem to be hung up on the guy she hooked up whilst you were in an open relationship. Or did you really mean/expect open for you, closed for her?
NAH – The videos are hers to do with as she sees fit. And you are also fine to feel weird about it. If you don’t like it that much, talk to her about it. If she refuses to get rid of them and you can’t handle it, move on.
I am personally of the mindset that I don’t keep explicit material of a partner I am no longer with. I do know MANY people who do keep that, though.
My vote here is NTA, but there are a lot of red flags. Specifically, this one:
>this one guy she had sex with while we were in an open relationship because I specifically asked her not to for that one
An open relationship doesn’t mean have sex with whomever you want, it means there is communication and transparency with your primary partner about any non-monogamy that is happening, and your partner gets a vote on who they are allowing into their sphere of intimacy. TLDR; she said she was going to sleep with this person, you said you weren’t comfortable with that and asked her not to, she did it anyway and filmed it… she cheated on you and is keeping the video of that infidelity.
This girl sounds toxic.
Not sure how valid my opinion is as I could neither be in an open relationship or with someone that has videos with past partners. To me, though, they are related, in the sense that if you’re in an open relationship I think it’d be ok to have. If you become monogamous, I’d expect her to delete the videos.
You sound desperate to call someone your girlfriend. She’s not. She’s a free person living her life and your just someone to vent and string along. Get some self respect and let her go, find someone local, forget this nonsense of a open international relationship. Save your self some pain
The ethics of her having these videos has nothing to do with whether she has YOUR permission, only the permission of those past partners.
You don’t HAVE to tolerate this, but if you don’t want to, then your recourse is to leave, not to make her delete her videos. That was always how it worked; you are okay with this in a partner or you aren’t. This idea that you should get more control over her as the relationship progresses and get to make her behave more like how you want — nope, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Also, if this is a dealbreaker for you, if you aren’t comfortable being in a relationship with someone who has a sexual history, you’re going to have to find someone who doesn’t have one but is okay with the fact that you do. Tall order.
YTA.
Interesting .. if the genders were reversed all the people would have called the guy creepy for keeping videos
YTA for trying to control her..
if they were filmed with consent then those partners took risk of getting those public. Your partner is weird and borderline creepy
YTA. You’re first sentence says it all. Your relationship has a lot of grey area. Define the relationship better with her then you might have a point.
YTA because youʻre not monogamous. If you want to have sex with other people, she should be allowed to keep videos of herself having sex with other people.
(If you get monogamously married at some future time, then it would be okay for you to ask her to get rid of the videos – or at least to lock them away somewhere and not watch them. Especially given your open history, it makes sense that she might not want to permanently destroy the videos until youʻve been monogamous for a few years.)
YTA – I mean, the key-point in all of this is the “open” part. 🤷🏽♂️ The fact that you yourself couldn’t keep it in your pants voids any argument you have…
It should be simple enough to understand – You can’t demand something exclusive if you are in an open relationship(which you decided)…
INFO – are the previous partners aware that she still has these videos? That seems like the biggest potential issue to me. I think it’s pretty standard/respectful to delete nudes from previous partners once that relationship ends