Am I the asshole for not liking my wedding ring after specifying about what I would like and why I would like it. As in ‘I would like a ring that’s not pointy and small so I don’t damage it and it’s functional’ however he got me a giant ring that constantly gets in my way and hurts me, and swings around my finger. I love it because he got it for me but I don’t feel heard or like what I said matters. In an argument I told him all this and he wept bitter sad tears and told me that he spent hours looking for it and chose this and thought that I would like it. AITA??
NTA—shows he can’t listen to you or take your wants into consideration. He is bulldozing you with his tears to seem like he really tried. He did not. This is just the beginning
…he got the opposite of what you asked for and thought you would like it? i don’t understand.
ESH
He should have headed your words and aimed to get you a ring that suited you. He did try though. That makes him a well-meaning AH.
> In an argument …
You used this as a weapon. You wanted to hurt him. That makes you an AH.
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I really don’t understand why couples don’t just work together on engagement and wedding rings.
> and swings around my finger
Have you gone to a jeweler to get it resized? If not, that makes you an AH too for complaining about an issue that can be fixed.
NTA. A wedding ring isn’t just a trophy; it’s a piece of jewelry you are expected to wear 24/7 for the rest of your life. If it’s literally hurting you, snagging on things, and spinning around, it’s not practical. You gave him specific criteria for a reason. While his effort is sweet, ‘spending hours’ looking for something that was the exact opposite of what you asked for isn’t actually listening—it’s buying what *he* liked, not what *you* needed.
He spent “hours” looking for it but couldn’t spend minutes thinking about what you said you wanted?
This isn’t a trivial thing. This is a ring that’s not only supposed to symbolise your relationship but also that you are expected to wear daily for the rest of your life.
His behaviour around this is a big problem. You need to press on to trade the ring for something you like, and how he handles that will tell you a lot about what you are in for with this marriage.
NTA, make it clear you married (marrying) him and not the ring. Also consider he might think others will think he is cheap/poor if you have a small ring on. Also its acceptable to just wear a wedding band without the diamond engagement ring. Bring out the rock for fancy events only.
So he ignored what you said you wanted, and got what he “thought” you would like instead. Is the ring the first time he did this, or is this part of a pattern? Do you feel he really listens to you in general?
If you feel this reflects a general tendency not to listen to you, you have much bigger problems than the ring, and you definitely shouldnʻt be married unless thatʻs fixed. NTA.
Info: why didn’t you participate in choosing the ring? It’s a wedding ring not an engagement ring right? That should be a joint decision.
You said not small or pointy. Did you show him pictures? Did you guys go shopping together and try rings on? I guess I’m confused he didn’t get you small or pointy so yeah YTA because instructions were unclear. The only way you aren’t TA is if you took his hand in the store and said this is exactly what I envision as the perfect ring for me and he got you the opposite.
NTA and tell him the truth – it’s too big, unweildy, it’s hurting you, and it’s not what you really wanted. Tell him that you love him and that he picked something out for you that he thought you’d love, but thr truth is that it isn’t.
If he’s the person you think he is, he’ll listen and course correct. Just make sure you have an idea of what you’d like. Hugs
My best friend got married a few years ago. She called me to tell me, and tell me to come pick her up to go for coffee.
The SECOND she gets into the car she turns to me “Oh my god I hate the ring!”
It was a REALLY ugly ring. She never said a word but just said that it was too big to wear at work, and just wears her plain band day-to-day.
Wedding ring? Why didn’t the two of you go together ? I get if it was the engagement ring. Usually people pick out wedding rings together.
Folks, here’s a great example of why grammar is still important. I think it can be inferred that OP meant she wanted a ring that is “not pointy, and (also) small or better put as “small, and not pointy”.
More info needed because it’s not clear how much time has passed between proposal and the fight. Is there capacity to exchange it for something more your style or is it too late for that?
In my experience as someone who has been engaged thrice but married once (3rd time was the charm), if you have very specific wants for a ring, leaving it to be a surprise is rarely going to work out well for you.
NTA.
You’re the one who has to wear it for the rest of this relationship, be that the rest of your life or whatever – you’re the one who has to wear it, you should be happy with it. His reaction is ridiculous and childish. Tell him you love the sentiment, you said yes to the proposal, now let’s work together to find a ring you’ll love.