My sister called me today and immediately went into ranting about the difficulties of her apartment searching. I commiserated with her and listened for a couple minutes until there was a knock at the door. I told her that I had company and wouldn’t be able to continue the conversation immediately but that I understood her frustration and was happy to talk more around 11pm if she was still awake, and if not we could always talk the next day.
The following text conversation ensues:
>Sister: I really need you…
>Me: I can talk to you later tonight around 11 or tomorrow morning but unfortunately I have company over and it’s been planned weeks in advance. It would be too rude for me to leave (my partner) and our company alone for an extended period of time. I love you and I hope you’re doing okay.
>Sister: I am not able to. I needed you. If (my partner) messaged you the same thing you would answer. Feels like you only care when you want to
>Sister: Have a good night
>Me: (My partner) would understand. I am with company. You’re welcome to text me and we can talk later if you still want to. I am here for you but not at your beck and call. Boundaries are important. Have a good night.
>Sister: Please don’t tell me you are here for me then. It is misleading. I will leave you alone
>Me: I love you. Have a good night.
>Sister: Please leave me alone
I want to know if this was a reasonable boundary or if I really was being a bad brother for not being there for my sister. I would have dropped everything and gone straight to her house if she really needed me but it seemed like she just wanted to vent.
Even if she was having a panic attack, we’re both adults and she needs to learn to develop coping skills on her own. I can’t always be her medicine.
If I am way off base here then please let me know so I can apologize to her and change my behavior going forward.
Tldr: My sister called me and immediately started venting about how hard apartment hunting was. I validated her feelings and told her that I wasn’t available at the moment because I had company over. She is now mad that I wasn’t there for her.
AITA for not sending my company home or just straight up ignoring them to listen to her vent for hours?
NTA you handled this pretty much perfectly. She’s upset and responding based on her emotional state rather than from a place of logic.
Maybe you can make it up to her by getting a pizza delivered to her or taking her out for coffee while she vents to you. Just something nice as a “pick-me-up” sounds like she could use it.
NTA.
She was about to launch into a tirade, and you interrupted because you had an appointment. You handled it as best you could. In this situation, I would strongly advise you to stay calm and collected, so you don’t end up apologizing for something completely normal.
This is good advice. I’ve been really working on avoiding the word sorry when it’s not appropriate. I have quite the reputation for being a doormat. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback.
NTA you told her that you had company coming and that you could talk later. If it was really that important of a conversation then she could’ve called you later. You even acknowledged her frustration and offered to call later.
NTA You set a healthy boundary and then reinforced it respectfully. It is not your fault she wasn’t receptive to that. I hope she considers talking to a therapist because it is unfair to you for her to expect you to drop everything for a phone call and then says some manipulative things to justify it. I understand feeling alone but that doesn’t give her the right to guilt you for following through with plans you already had.
“commiserated” made me chuckle a little bit cause of Traitors US.
Also, NTA at all.
NTA. You took a reasonable stance. Her claim to have a 100% claim on your time whenever she chooses is ludicrous. If she needs to vent that bad, she should take up journaling.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Your sister is just dramatic and needs to toughen up
No you are good, perfectly reasonable boundaries and I liked the straight forward explanation of that boundary (beck and call vs. reasonable support).
“ but not at your beck and call. Boundaries are important.” I almost gave you Y T A for this. But I decided not to, because she started it with “ Feels like you only care when you want to.” So I will go with NTA. But it was a close call.
NTA it’s important to be there for family but you had other obligations and your sister is an adult and should understand that.
There’s nothing to be sorry for or to make up for. I have a personal rule not to engage with bad behavior. You can’t afford to be at your sisters beck and call, or to operate on her schedule.
Give your sister some time to cool off and ask her is she wants to talk after she’s had some time to think. I have two siblings and I will always do the best I can to support them, but I have a life too and I’m only one person. I can’t be in two places at once and neither can you. I hope that your sister chooses to give you grace and understanding.
Omg! The drama. Keep holding the boundaries.
It’s not that deep bro. Tell ur sister to 🤐
Eh. I’m going with ESH. But know that I’m extremely close with my sisters, and my cousins. I would and have dropped everything for them, as they’ve done with me. You don’t seem to have or want that relationship with your sister which is totally fine, hence your boundaries.
I probably would have told her when company came that I had to go soon, but given her 5-10 more minutes. That way I’m giving her a heads up but not hanging up within a minute or so.
When a person is in a heightened state of emotion and goes to someone for support, and that person is suddenly like, ok well I’m sorry but I got to go, other people are more important than you, good luck- that shit hurts. Because don’t get it twisted, that’s what she heard.
I’m someone who believes in having a village. Not only taking but giving. So that means that sometimes I’m going to be inconvenienced. Because that’s what happens in a village. And if I had a partner or friends who couldn’t chill in my house alone for 5-10 minutes without issue, they wouldn’t be my people.
You also contradict yourself. You say that you would be there for your sister if she really needed you, but then say if she’s having a panic attack she’s got to be on her own.
So like.. which is it? Or is it when YOU deem something is super important to your sister, not herself. I wonder if you often think your sister is just over dramatic and always upset, and therefore you brush her off a lot.