Sorry for the long post guys.
I skateboard and i recently “made friends” with this one kid who’s 21 years old (I’m 18). I knew this guy was a little weird because he drinks and smokes A LOT. I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic because he talks so slurred. But at first he seemed cool and was always giving me tips for certain tricks. I started giving him rides to the store because he doesn’t have a car which i didn’t mind, I’m all for giving people rides that really need them. However today i think he crossed the line.
I gave him a ride to the liquor store which was 1 minute away from the skatepark, everything was cool until i looked in the backseat where he was (Because our other friend was in the passenger seat) And i saw him vaping, and he wasn’t tryna be sneaky he was smoking up my dads whole car. I for some reason didn’t say anything and just kept driving. I’m a quiet and shy kid so i let it go.
Later on they wanted another ride and this time i was pissed because its like i’m in just tryna skate. I just did it because i felt bad if i said no. When we left the liquor store he was in the front seat and no hesitation he pulled out his vape and started smoking it up again. He even started touching my dad’s radio and started turning it up. I think this is the first time in my life where ive been confrontational. I turned the radio off and told him he can’t doing that in a nice way. My other friend in the back seat agreed with me and told him to show some respect. To which he said “Bro chill it’s fine just relax” And my friend said “It’s his dads car, what if he smells this” to which he said “he ain’t gonna smell shit”.
I kinda lost my cool and just said “Yo this is my dad’s fucking car please show some respect. Like if this was your car i wouldn’t do that stuff. Your ass always begs for a ride everyday and i don’t have to give one, but i do because i’m just a good fucking human, so you can keep disrespecting my families property and i won’t give rides anymore”. I said more stuff in the heat in the moment that i can’t remember but i tried to be somewhat respectful but stern. He gave me some half genuine apology that i struggle to accept.
I can’t tell if i overreacted, but it’s like man that’s my dad’s car that i don’t pay for.
NTA
However confrontational or imperfect your response was, it is your dad’s property. If your “friend” cannot respect your family’s property, they are not your friend. Period.
Thanks. Even before this i didn’t really think he was a person id like to hang out with, i onto knew him because of skating
If you even breathed a word about it previously I’d be saying you aren’t but yea you kinda went 0-100 real quick. The dude is an obvious bum, you keep enabling him and giving him rides, this was the first time you said anything whatsoever and you instantly went off. Did you ever tell him not smoking in your car beforehand on any of the other rides? If not then yea when you bring it up like that you are gonna get blown off by the bum you’ve been enabling and giving rides. YTA but this is a young learning experience. You need to get over your aversion to confrontation because most of the time it can be a conversation before it escalates to confrontational.
Thanks for that, you’re definitely right. I’ve always been quiet and shy and sometimes let people walk over me which is something i’m trying to work on.
He never smoked in my car before and his from my experience previously he never did anything scummy to me so i just kept letting him in against my better judgement.
deffo a much needed learning moment for me
as someone who is nonconfrontational myself, it’s a tough skill to learn, but if you can take that politeness and learn to dish that out in a stern way instead of going off, it’s an extremely invaluable skill to have
NTA start any ride requests with “Sure but hit your shut now or wait until we get where we’re going, no vaping in the car”
That’s what I have to do with my friends because, dangit, my ride my rules.
You’re not overreacting and I wouldn’t hang with that guy anymore
We’re not allowed to smoke in our work trucks, which is good for me as I don’t smoke. I was giving a coworker a ride and he asked if I minded if he smoked, I said that it did, which he seemed surprised by. Your adult acquaintance should know better.
NTA. And you did not overreact at all. What you did was enforce your boundaries on a disrespectful bum that needed to be put in his place. You are still very young, but you will learn with time that some people do not deserve your niceness and good deeds bcuz they are just not good people.
NTA for not wanting him to vape in your dad’s car. NTA for making that very clear to him. This guy was rude.
But if you learned some different strategies for dealing with assholes who trample all over boundaries, you wouldn’t have needed to come here to AITA wondering whether you’re the asshole.
Basically you went from zero:
*I’m a quiet and shy kid so i let it go… I turned the radio off and told him he can’t doing that in a nice way*
to eleven:
*I kinda lost my cool and just said “Yo this is my dad’s fucking car please show some respect. Like if this was your car i wouldn’t do that stuff. Your ass always begs for a ride everyday and i don’t have to give one, but i do because i’m just a good fucking human, so you can keep disrespecting my families property and i won’t give rides anymore”. I said more stuff in the heat in the moment that i can’t remember*
…in an instant, with nothing in between.
*but i tried to be somewhat respectful but stern*
Nope, that wasn’t respectful language. If you cuss someone out, you can’t call it “respectful but stern”.
Note that I’m NOT saying it is always wrong to cuss someone out. Sometimes it’s perfectly justified! Maybe they deserve to be cussed out! They haven’t behaved respectfully, so they don’t deserve respect in return.
What I’m saying is, **call it what it is**. If you’re claiming to be respectful, then use respectful language. If you’ve decided to drop the respectful language because they don’t deserve it, and you’re now swearing at them, then you can’t claim to be respectful.
And what you’re overlooking is that **it wasn’t necessary to go from zero to eleven.** There are points along the way at which you could have escalated the degree of sternness, but without ever resorting to swearing at him.
The **very first time** he lit up, you should not have stayed silent. You should have said “Put that away, please”.
If he ignores you and/or argues with you, you then say “This is my father’s car, and no one smokes or vapes in it. So put that away, please.”
If he still doesn’t, you drop the “please” and make it clear what the consequences will be. You say “This is your last chance. Put that away, or I’m not driving you anywhere.”
If he STILL doesn’t, you pull over and say “Get out of the car.” No ifs, no buts. It doesn’t matter if he stops vaping at this point. He ignored you and/or argued with you three times, so now he has to get out of the car. He needs to know you’re serious. He can walk the rest of the way.
And you don’t drive him anywhere ever again, no matter how close the destination is, no matter how much he pleads for another chance. He’s HAD his chance. He had THREE chances to extinguish his vape. He failed. Three strikes, and he’s out.
Hey thanks for that. It definitely wasn’t respectful on my part and i definitely should’ve tried to be a little cooler about it. I think i went from 0-10 because it had been just building up over time. I’m usually not like that i sort stuff out in a nicer way than that.
NTA, you told him in a nice way and he dismissed you.
I think it depends tbh. Was it a THC vape? Because in that case, NTA, yes, your dad may smell that later and get upset.
If it was a nicotine vape, most of those literally just smell fruity, and cussing him out was a bit too far in my opinion. Even if your dad were to smell that, he wouldn’t think anything of it… and chances he’d smell it are slim.
Either way, dude should have asked you first.
NTA
But in the future, express the rules BEFORE allowing people into your father’s car. You also need to be a little more assertive. The minute you saw him vaping, you should have told him to stop. If you get any push back, you pull the car over and kick him out. I know it may sound “easier said than done”, but it’s an unfortunate part of being a grown up.