I live with a roommate and we split rent (I’m 30F, she’s mid 20s F). We each have our own bedrooms but share the living room and kitchen.
My dog Ben is a golden retriever who turns 10 next week. He has cancer and is currently on long-term chemo. I’m also a cancer survivor myself, so I know I can be a little more cautious than the average person about stuff like chemicals or fragrances.
Last year when Ben’s cancer was in remission, my roommate asked if it was okay for her to buy wax melts (the brand Happy Wax). She said they were “more natural.” I told her I wasn’t super comfortable with fragrances but agreed if she got the more natural ones it was probably fine.
Fast forward to now. Ben’s cancer has come back and he’s actively on chemo again. She recently started using the wax melts in the living room and kitchen and the smell fills the whole apartment.
I told her I’m not really comfortable with them being used in the common areas anymore because Ben spends most of his time there and he’s medically fragile right now. I said I’m not trying to control what she does in her own room, but the shared spaces affect both of us (and my dog).
Her response was basically “Ben already has cancer now so what’s the difference.”
She also said that a year ago I “made her buy the natural ones because I was being anal about it,” and now I’m saying I’m not comfortable with those either, so she feels like I’m telling her what to do.
I’ll admit I didn’t handle it perfectly either. When she started getting upset the other day I caved and said something like “yeah it’s fine, just get the natural ones.” She already ordered them.
But the truth is I still don’t feel good about them being used in the shared spaces, and the smell also gives me headaches.
My compromise idea was that if she wants to use them, she could keep them in her bedroom instead of the common areas. I also said if that’s the case I’d rather my dog not go into her room when they’re being used.
She thinks I’m being controlling and changing the rules.
For context, she tells people Ben is “basically her dog” and that she loves him, but she also sometimes makes comments like “well he already has cancer so what does it matter.”
Our lease runs until September so moving isn’t really an option right now.
AITA for asking that she keep wax melts out of the shared spaces?
INFO
Info – Is there any link between scents and worse outcomes for chemo? (Genuine question – I really don’t know). Or is is that the chemo makes someone more sensitive to scents?
No. OP is being ridiculous. A vet responded upthread.
Scents have nothing to do with chemo?
The common areas are shared. And you are moving the goalposts repeatedly.
YTA because it sounds like you’re using your dog as an excuse. If you don’t want her to use the melts because you don’t like them or because they give you headaches , that’s a valid boundary. But it looks as if instead of just saying that, you’re hiding behind your dog’s health.
Exactly. If a roomie told me the smell of a product gave them a headache, of course I would immediately minimize the use.
But if a roomie told me some weird stuff about candle smell dog cancer, I would be confused, think they’re unreasonable, and dig my heels in.
Just be honest about the headaches! You gave the less scented candles an honest shot, it didn’t work out. No more scented candles in the common areas, done.
The average life span of a golden retriever is 10-12 years. As someone who recently had to say goodbye to our very sick, young dog, *I get it* that they’re family and saying goodbye feels impossible. I also think YTA for putting an older dog through multiple rounds of chemo, then telling your roommate she can’t use any fragrances.
I don’t really get what wax melts have to do with chemo or cancer, but if the scents are giving you headaches that’s enough for her to need to stop.
Yes the assholeness of op lies in hiding behind pseudo science and her dog’s cancer instead of being direct and saying “can you not, the smell makes my head hurt. I’m just sensitive to it”. Like a logical adult.
A gentle YTA. Look- if you too truly had an agreement that she could use the natural ones in common spaces, it’s not really far to unilaterally change the rules now.
Also- as a veterinarian- I can tell you there is no reason that a wax melt should change the course of your dog’s cancer treatment.
I personally don’t like smelly stuff, so I get not wanting to have it around but, it’s not exactly accurate or fair to bring cancer into it. And you two had an agreement.
YTA you suggested a compromise that you both agreed to and now you’re going back on it. Its a shared space so she has just as much a right to use it as she wishes so long as both parties agree
I’m gonna say YTA because you keep changing your mind about what she’s allowed to do and what you’re “comfortable with”.
Also, her keeping wax melts out of shared spaces isn’t going to change anything. If they’re being used anywhere in your apartment and you believe they have an effect on your dog, her keeping them in her room doesn’t make a difference.
YTA vet has agreed there’s no reason wax melts would interfere with your dogs treatment. You don’t get to change the agreed rules now. It’s not fair.
You dont get to control the common spaces. She pays rent the dog doesn’t. Have him stay in your own room if you somehow think the waxmelts would negatively impact him
Soft YTA. Don’t use the dog as an excuse. Just explain that you are sensitive to the smells and they cause headaches. I am like that and I have asked people to refrain from using certain candles or wax melts because of sensitivity. Just be polite about it.
But NTA about asking her not to do it in the common rooms, just don’t use the dog as an excuse.