Context: I’m 27 and live alone. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 10. I also meet up with my family at least once a week for (soft) drinks.
Being someone who is autistic, I have my own stims and things that I do: I’m a toe-sitter, I have a finger flick, a twitch, I’m not good with eye contact. The list goes on. I can never explain why I do what I do, the body just does ’em, but even trying to explain that is difficult to explain.
My mum is the worst person to explain it to, every time I do something, be it a stim, or just a "me thing", she will always tell me not to do it when we’re in public, as if I’m a child. If I bounce my knees she immediately tells me to put my feet flat on the floor, if I flick my finger she’ll tell me not to do that as I’m "clearly doing it for attention", if I stammer (which, I concede probably isn’t an autism thing) she’ll say something stupid like "think your words before you say them" (because apparently my mouth works independently from the brain that comes up with the bloody words!). I can’t help it though, these are just things I do. Recently I bought a Force Cube (Which is a Rubik’s Cube but al faces are the same colour) because I wanted to have something to keep my hands busy when I’m sitting down (and to reduce the finger flicking), and once again my mum would speak up and tell me that I’m wasting my money and not understanding why I bought it (it only costed me £10).
It got to the point where we were in the local pub and when she told me once again to stop bouncing my knees, I just snapped and said: "It’s who I am, it’s what I do. I feel safe when I do it, so leave me the fuck alone and stop treating me like I’m still a child!"
I’m not usually a confrontational person, I don’t like to start arguments, but after dealing with her for so many years and the constant demands to "stop fishing for attention" as if she knew how my mind worked just reached its boiling point. Hell, I used to walk on my toes but she stopped that and it took a long for me to feel safe when walking "normally".
Because of my sudden outburst, she has not spoken to me for a while, and now I just feel awful. I shouldn’t have snapped and I could’ve been more polite, but I just didn’t know what to say to her when I can’t even explain why I do what I do. But she won’t even answer my calls so I can apologise.
AITA?
As a fellow autistic person with a mother who doesn’t understand its hard. You did nothing wrong. I don’t have much advice but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone
From one autistic person to another. I’ve had similar things happen to me in the last (albeit thankfully not family) so I know what it’s like.
This is justified. Actually, I commend you for putting up with it for so long.
NTA, stay safe.
NTA, your mum has had SEVENTEEN YEARS to educate herself about autism, it’s really inexcusable at this point to be condescending about your stims when you aren’t bothering anyone
NTA. Your mum is clearly embarrassed by your autism. That’s her problem, not yours. If you are comfortable stimming in public, then who cares? She needs to seriously step back.
Also, don’t feel bad for snapping. She’s ignoring you on purpose so you’ll come back and apologise so she doesn’t have to admit she was wrong. Don’t cave. Much love from a fellow autistic person.
second this. DO NOT CAVE. it is the OP who deserves the apology not their mother.
I have a kid with autism and ADHD, and I think your mom is being kind of a shit. She either needs to educate herself on stimming and its role in emotional regulation, or she already knows and needs to develop a thicker skin.
That being said, there should always be a middle ground. It takes a lot of effort not to stim, and it also takes a lot of effort not to express annoyance with distracting stimming. It shouldn’t just fall on one party.
Sounds like you’re NTA, though.
Parents who do this think that other people are judging them for what their child is doing. It is a tremendously self-centered world view, and I have no patience for it.
If you choose to stay in contact, just message her as normal but absolutely do not and never again apologize for harmless behavior that in the year of our Lord 2026 everybody recognizes.
NTA, I understand that some stims can be overwhelming or overstimulating for the people around them but there are ways to express that other than shaming the person. It sounds like social embarrassment is her primary motivator here which is not good. Something like toe walking for example could permanently alter and damage the physiology of your feet/ankles/legs and PT to help could be beneficial, but just telling someone they’re doing it for attention and making them stop is not. I hope this is a wake up call for your mom to educate herself a bit more on autism and not just dig her heels in deeper. I’m sorry being around her is so stressful for you.
Parent of three autistic kids here: NTA. I’m appalled your mom hasn’t bothered to educate herself on your medical condition. My kids walk on their tiptoes, flap their hands, don’t make eye contact, clap their hands over their ears and rock back and forth when they are overstimulated, as you said, the list goes on.
One day that comes to mind, is my at the time nonverbal 4-year-old was melting down in the middle of Walmart because I had to take him with me to do my shopping, and he was overstimulated from all the light and noise. A woman came up to me and told me, “He’s throwing a fit because you don’t spank him enough.”
I replied, “Lady, I can’t spank the autism out of him any more than I can slap the stupid out of you.” She gasped and ran away.
She needs to be understanding of your ticks, and help you feel safe and comfortable, not attacked.
A coworker of mine has an autistic daughter and someone hit her with the, “well she doesn’t *look* autistic” and she came back with, “well you don’t *look* stupid”
She’s a great coworker
> “Lady, I can’t spank the autism out of him any more than I can slap the stupid out of you.”
I so hope I can remember that one when the time comes. And it will. There have been a couple of occasions when it would have been wonderfully useful over the years.
NTA she’s being wilfully ignorant. You’re not an asshole for snapping at her. Btw stammering can absolutely be a tism thing!
Your mom has known you have autism for 17 years, she should know by now she is not going to nag it out of existence. NTA.
NTA. Your mom has spent your entire life trying to make you conform to her idea of *normal* instead of embracing you as you are, and you finally snapped. It’s understandable.