I (28M) live with a F30. We moved in together about 2 years ago.
When we moved in together it was because I had a spare room in the house and she had recently been dumped by her boyfriend – we are both on the lease for reference, it isn’t my place.
During the first year and a half I felt she was super moody/rude towards me and I figured out pretty quickly it was dependent on how her dating life was going. She would go on one date with a guy and then become really angry, yell at me, cry whenever I said something she didn’t like.
She would also tell her/our friends that she was the “boss of the house” and repeatedly called me average looking both to my face and to her friends.
On one occasion, when my dog had passed the day before, she yelled at me telling me how I was a know it all after I said I thought someone would get eliminated on a reality show.
On another occasion, she yelled at me and started crying after I asked her to be a little bit more quiet as I was on the phone trying to order a taxi for my grandmother and they couldn’t hear me as she was playing music really loudly.
Fast forward and about 6 months ago she got a boyfriend and since then she hasn’t been moody at all. But I felt pretty quickly that I was getting pushed out of my own space and he was overstaying his visits. He started using our kitchen to cook his food without her, was staying a fair bit and would indirectly kick me out of our living room/kitchen space for their dates nights without asking (I would have been fine with it but they just rudely did it knowing I wouldn’t be happy).
I decided to say something as it was really bugging me. I just asked some simple rules such as limiting the number of nights he is over to no more than 2 a week if possible and asking for a bit a notice if he was coming over so I could do my admin/chores out of their way.
But now she basically acts like I am an arsehole and I can tell her friends don’t like me. They now don’t really talk to me and avoid me. When I came home one time and her sister was over I overheard her say “should I hide in your room” when I walked in like I had asked never to see anyone in our house.
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Look, I’ve been in that exact roommate loop before, and it honestly makes you feel like a stranger in your own home.
It’s the absolute worst when they treat the apartment like a stage for their life and expect you to be the stagehand who stays out of the shot.
The way she went after you while she was single, especially that comment about your dog, is genuinely sociopathic. She never actually respected you as a peer, just as a way to lower her rent while she used you as a verbal punching bag.
NTA. It seems like before you sign a lease renewal, you and she need to have an adult conversation about basic house rules. At a minimum, it should not be okay for house guests to stay when the host is not there. Also, try to negotiate a reasonable time limit on how long guests can stay during any single visit; I’m surprised that something like that, e.g., requiring your landlord’s approval for guests who stay for long stretches of time, is not in your lease.
NTA, but you’re probably gonna have to put the graft in here. You both are on the lease and I assume pay the same? Therefore you both have the right to use the communal area.
If they try and “kick you out” of the lounge, just refuse. Crash their date night and they will soon get fed up.
She sounds like an awful housemate who is trying to push you out so she and her bf can have the place to themselves.
How easy is it to find a new place? Is that an option?
Legally if one tenant gives notice, it gives notice for both tenants. They can’t put a stop to it either once the process has started.
You can’t change putting her on the tenancy but I bet you regret it.
I’m not sure how to make this better. But anyway NTA.
Just leave bro. You fucked yourself by letting her move in. You aren’t getting her out and if she ever gets tired of you one call to the cops and you are screwed.
This person is a bad roommate and unfortunately you need to just keep peace till you have a chance to go elsewhere. It is not working. You can’t handle her out of a relationship when she’s moody and you can’t handle her in a relationship with people over all the time. You’re not compatible as roommates. She seems like she needs to either live alone or with her partner
check your lease for a clause on how long guests are allowed to stay, most have them to avoid a guest staying long enough to claim residency, and if he’s staying past the allowed time, report it to the landlord.
That said, when does your lease end? Might be time to start looking for a new place
NTA but it’s time to find a new living situation.
You’re probably not the asshole here. Most people reading that would likely think your request was pretty reasonable.
If two people share a place and are both on the lease, neither person gets to act like the “boss of the house.” Asking for things like limiting overnight guests or getting a bit of notice is a normal roommate boundary, especially when the boyfriend is using shared spaces and staying over often.
What also stands out is how she treated you before the boyfriend showed up. Calling you average looking, yelling at you when you were grieving your dog, and snapping at you over small things is not normal roommate behavior. The fact that her mood depended on her dating life doesn’t make it okay.
It sounds like she might be framing the situation differently to her friends, which is probably why they’re acting weird around you. That happens a lot in shared housing conflicts.
From an outside perspective, you asked for basic respect in a shared home. Most people would see that as fair, not controlling.
NTA and who cares what she thinks, her behaviour is appalling. However I do think it’s time for her no longer to be your housemate.
NTA, till you can notify her you’re not renewing the lease you have several options, 1) check the lease and if it limits guests tell her the limits and not to violate them or you’ll notify the landlord you want her out and to sublease someone else in, 2) hold your boundaries and gray rock her and her bf and guests. If you’re using the living room and they come in, stay there. If you’re in the kitchen and her bf is there cooking, cook. Don’t engage with them unless you need to and keep it civil and concise. Because she currently is correct that she rules the house because she figures you won’t assert your rights and you’ll leave when uncomfortable.
INFO why renew the lease if she already was being problematic? Also most leases have agreements on overnight guests.
Ur housemate is a nightmare. I would end the lease and just move out. They can keep the house