I (F23) live with Nathan (M22) and two other flatmates, Zander (M21) and Poppy (F22). We are university students, all in our final year of university. Three of us (me, P, N) were 1st year flatmates and chose to live together in 2nd and 3rd year, and Z joined us in third year.
N has a girlfriend, S (F21), who essentially lives with us. Last year, I would say she slept over 4-5 nights a week, but this year, she has started sleeping over every night. We are luckily a ‘bills-included’ student property, so we do not have that issue to worry about. S has her own room ‘on-campus’, about a 20 minute walk away from our house, but she chooses to live full time in our house.
This brings us to the issue; N has gone home from yesterday until next Monday (over a week), but S is staying in our house. She asked me if we minded if she stayed, and I said yes, as i felt like I couldn’t say no to her face and on the spot (she also asked me after N’s parents had picked him up). The three of us (me, P and Z) were a bit confused as to why she was staying but thought ‘if she stays out of our way and does N’s chore (taking out the kitchen bin) we don’t mind’. Then today, I get home from work at around 3pm, and our front door was unlocked. The last person out of the house was S. We live in a student area, in the safest but not the roughest area, but there have been break-ins to other houses on our road and the police are often in the area.
So I’m wondering if I would be TA if I simply say to S ‘I don’t mind you being around when N is here but can you not stay alone while N isn’t here’.
Thanks for any advice 🙂
Nta. Not only are you probably breaking the terms of your lease, but you didn’t sign up to have another roommate. She shouldn’t be there when your roommate isn’t there.
Y already were TA when you said yes (and you worded it funny. Yes you do mind because you couldn’t say no you don’t mind? or Yes as in “yes you can and we don’t mind” Clearly the latter with the way the rest of it went on). Why say yes cuz of some random awkwardness you felt? Say what you mean and mean what you say.
NTA
Unless and until she is paying 1/5 of the rent, she does not have access to the home when N is not home. HOWEVER, you agreed to let her stay. Unless and until you tell her to leave, she won’t. YTA for not having a grown up conversation.
Soft YTA.
She asked to stay and you said she could. You need to learn to be more assertive and speak up for yourself.
You could ask her to leave now, but it will look petty, as you don’t truly know it wasn’t her who didn’t lock the door.
Sounds like you and your roommates need to have a discussion when the 4th one gets home.
NTA, her being there that frequently anyway is almost certainly breaking the rules of your lease, but n should have been responsible for asking you guys.. her asking to your face makes the whole situation difficult to navigate because like you said, how are you supposed to say no? I would bring it up with your roommate and I think if you have the support of your other roommates, you can say something now because it’s dangerous
EHS. You are an AH for not considering your other flatmates. She is one for not going home while he’s away. With the door situation, time is up. She’s can’t stay.
Tell the lady to go home you are ntah
If she asked if you minded if she stayed and you said yes. That means you minded. So why did she stay?
Tell her to kick bricks! Why would she stay if he’s not there? NTA
I suspect that she might not actually still have the room on campus, or she may have a roommate who has totally taken over the room and does not expect her to ever return.
NTA. She left your door unlocked and put all of you in potential danger. She can stay in her dorm room, ffs. When N gets back, have a roommates-ONLY meeting. Any time he leaves for even an overnight, she goes back to her dorm. Sh’s free-loading off of all of you AND costing her parents money for a dorm room, which isn’t cheap!
You all deserve time off from her. She isn’t on the lease. She does not pay rent or contribute anything to the household. She’s irresponsible and thoughtless. If he won’t agree to time off so you can breathe, they need to move.
ESH. Your roommate should have asked all of you if she could stay without her present. It put you on the spot but you could have said no. You’re all adults now and need to learn how to have difficult conversations. She’s not on the lease and shouldn’t be living there full time especially when he’s gone.
NTA. She’s basically living there even though she doesn’t pay rent and already has her own place. It’s reasonable that the rest of you are okay with that when Nathan is there, but not when he’s gone for a week.
At that point she’s just staying in a house that isn’t hers with people she doesn’t actually live with. The unlocked door also shows why it can feel uncomfortable having someone there who isn’t one of the tenants.
As long as you bring it up politely and frame it as a house boundary rather than an attack on her, it’s a fair request. It’s your shared living space too.