I (32F) have been with my boyfriend “Dan” (49M) for almost five years. We have a 2-year-old son together, and I also have a 10-year-old daughter who lives with us.
Dan is a recovering alcoholic. Two years ago we broke up because of his drinking and he went to rehab. After that we both tried to work on ourselves and eventually got back together.
Unfortunately, he started drinking again from time to time.
For the past three years I have been the main breadwinner. I work and cover all household expenses (housing, food, bills, etc.). Dan stays home with our son and receives about 300€ per month in government benefits for childcare.
To be fair, when he is present and sober he is a great father. He is patient, playful and engaged with our son. The problem is that when he gets tired or stressed, he checks out completely and I end up carrying everything alone.
After years of giving him money for drinking, taxis and other things, I finally decided about five months ago that I needed to set boundaries. I stopped giving him extra money and stopped rescuing him when he drank too much.
Last weekend he received his monthly 300€ and spent the entire weekend out drinking. By Sunday evening he had run out of money and asked me for a 50€ loan. I sent it to him.
At 10:30 pm he called me and said he was going to miss the last bus home and had no money left because he stayed at the bar too long. He asked me to come pick him up.
I told him no.
The kids were asleep, and I said it was his responsibility to get himself home. He had already spent his money and also the 50€ I had just sent him.
I turned my phone to silent and went to sleep.
He ended up walking about 20 km home in the middle of the night. It took him about five hours.
Now he says I’m cruel and that he would never do that to his partner. I think he’s an adult and responsible for the consequences of his choices.
So Reddit – AITA?
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People be having kids and dating the wildest people I swear
For real.
He was an addict two years ago when they broke up but now they have a 2 yr old 🤔
So OP willingly had a child with someone that was an awful choice to make a baby with and is currently surprised by his actions.
ESH
YTA-to yourself and to your kids. is this really the example you want to set for them-living with an alcoholic who binges every penny he can lay his hand on while you support the family-and probably do all the chores too, amirite?
WHY are you enabling him? My guess is he’s drinking throughout the day, even while he’s ostensibly taking care of your kid.
NTA, but you are an enabler. You sent him more money?! Cut that out. Also as the daughter of a “great dad when sober”, I can tell you that it doesn’t outweigh the trauma when he’s not.
My dad sent himself and my long suffering mother to early graves and messed up 4 kids.
Get out or you ar T. A to you and your kids.
News flash: he is not a recovering alcoholic, he still is. He is such a great example to your 2-year-old. I suppose you want him to be like his father that’s why you stayed with him.
>years of giving him money for drinking, taxis and other things
YTA for enabling his addiction for years.
are YTA for not giving money this one time? No. Are YTA for letting your kids grow up in this mess all this time? Yes.
YTA for enabling him to drink for all these years knowing he’s an alcoholic, and leaving him alone with your child.
He’s not recovering. He’s a full on alcoholic. Time to reevaluate.
YTA to yourself.
This man is 20 years older than you. He’s not a “recovering” anything if the moment he gets access to stipend money from the government (money that should be going towards supporting your household), he uses it to spend the whole weekend away getting drunk.
He is not a “present and great father” if he is doing this. And your children are watching and learning. They are watching and learning from their father who is a drunk, and they are watching and learning from you that they should one day get into abusive relationships with substance abusers that treat them this way, and that they should just tolerate it, because this is how normal relationships work. If you don’t want to do any better for yourself, at least do better for your children, so you don’t doom them to toxic relationships for the rest of their adult lives.
You need to not only not send bus fare, you need to take your children and leave this man.
> Dan is a recovering alcoholic.<
No, no he is not.
He’s the opposite actually, wth
ESH. He is not a recovering alcoholic. That is someone who is taking steps to remain free from alcohol. He is clearly not.
You are also enabling him by sending him money knowing its getting spent on drink.
You both shouldn’t be together tbh