I (24F) don’t know how to support my friend (25M) through a breakup
He (let’s call him Bob) was with his partner for 4/4.5 years and was broken up with. In the last 1.5 years of the relationship, Bob asked to open the relationship. I didn’t know any of this until post break up. He initially told me his partner reluctantly agreed but they both participated in the lifestyle though more him than his partner.
Fast forward a year, his partner asks Bob to stop. Bob told me that it was because participating in non monogamy made his partner feel bad. Bob says ok you can stop but I won’t. He later switched and told me that his partner continued too (idk anymore).
About 2 months later, his partner moves away to new continent. For context, when they met, his partner was adamant that his stay was temporary and he would move back home. I think his partner stayed longer than intended because the love but that probably changed after the request to open things.
2 months after the move, his partner called things off. Bob was supposed to fly to his partner’s for Christmas in 2 weeks. His partner transferred half the flight money and Bob’s dad flew him home for Christmas. After the holidays, Bob returned to their shared apartment. it was a constant reminder of their life together. So he decided to cut his lease and get a sublet in hopes to turn it into a permanent lease in 4 months. That whole situation is messy. He also decided to study for a professional exam as a distraction. With both the moving and the exam, it seems like he can’t see a positive and everything is his ex’s fault when things don’t go his way.
It’s been 3 months since and I have received almost daily texts and chains of voice notes about how he is struggling. I personally feel like in terms of ownership of the breakup, he has actually regressed and is acting a bit like a victim.
Yesterday, i snapped. He sent a voice note about how the moving and exam stress is all his ex’s fault. I told him that if uncertainty around a lease is stressing him out, he can find a new one, if he is frustrated about the exam, then postpone it. I somewhat feel like he is choosing to carry difficulties where there are none. So the real kicker is when he said “whether you like it or not” he’s (Bob) the victim. And previously before when I was trying to explain how sometimes you have to chose to move on to our mutual friend, he said “well she on MY side”. So I snapped and was like I have been trying to support you for 3 months and give you tips to move forward and you keep said weird things like that. If you don’t want tips then lean others friends and take a step back from me and share less because I don’t know how else to support him other than ghost him if I hear about it on a daily basis.
I understand that is harsh. And there days where I just lend a listening ear, but I feel overextended now.
AITA for my reaction?
NTA, some people genuinely enjoy being miserable and there’s nothing you can do to help them
NAH. What you said was fair and probably productive. Some people need a kick if they start to wallow. I’m not gonna call him the asshole though because people can get really stupid during breakups and they’re owed some forgiveness. Many people say for every year a relationship lasted you get a month to be ridiculous about it after the breakup, so he’s owed one more month of being ridiculous.
NTA for snapping when feeling burnout from listening
NTA, Bob made the decision to end this by not honoring his partners wishes so he doesn’t have the right to be upset about the consequences of his decision.
He also doesn’t get to complain about the added stress to things he chose to do after the breakup, like moving and taking an exam. He chose those things, his ex didn’t make him do any of it. Bob is just looking for someone else to blame for his current misery, which is entirely of his own making. He wanted an open relationship. Now it’s as open as they get.
NTA, I actually commend you for putting up with this for that long. He’s victimising himself far too much.
I guess he’s looking to vent instead of wanting advice, is that right?
Maybe you should suggest to him that he get a therapist. If he can’t get past his breakup and is blaming his ex for stress that the ex has nothing to do with, he might could do with professional help.
NTA, Bob basically forced an open relationship on a partner who didn’t want it and is now shocked that they finally left.
He needs to be told, point-blank, that he is the reason for the break-up. He needs to know this, and will ultimately feel better and be a better person once he processes it.
NAH.
Bob is allowed to feel the way he feels. Bc just like there are things you didn’t know he did in the relationship, there are things that his partner did that you don’t know about.
Your advice is productive and helpful. But here’s where I think you need to renegotiate how you go about this. It seems you think support is giving him fixes, and you’re taking it personally when he doesn’t take your advice. That is normal but that is also just one way of supporting him. Be there for him don’t try and fix his issues. Set boundaries in the way of supporting him, but support isn’t just giving your friend the answers. And separate yourself from the advice, as in to say if he doesn’t take it or act on it, it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with where he is at in HIS life.
Which leads me into my next way you could do better, you never stated you asked him what he wanted or what he needs. So it’s presumptuous to think he wants to “feel” better. Sometimes people NEED something to be mad at, and fast tracking to self reflection usually ends up in animosity between two individuals.
NTA, probably should have reinforced exactly how much of it was his fault. He sounds exhausting.
NTA If I’m looking to just vent what I need to hear is “you’re going to be alright”
The moment I start p pushing for people to validate my BS narrative what I need to hear is that I’m full of crap.
Mind you I often don’t take that well I’m the moment, and that is also totally on me. In the end I always end up grateful for the people brave enough to tell me what I don’t want to hear