For context, I’ve never been comfortable hugging people, other than my partner/spouse.
Lockdown/distancing seemed the ideal time, for me, to enforce my personal boundary when it comes to hugging and I’ve stuck to it ever since. Most people have been understanding, are quite happy to shake hands when I offer mine, and they don’t make a fuss.
But my son’s in-laws arrived from Ukraine, as refugees, in 2022. Every time we meet them (they are living with my son and DIL) they get offended because I stand away. They say that because it’s part of their culture that I should willingly give/accept hugs on meeting and departing.
My argument against isn’t only that they should respect it as a boundary of mine, it’s also that they are now living in our culture, so their culture is for them and not those aren’t used to that culture.
So, AITA for sticking to my guns?
Obviously NTA
It’s OK to be uncomfortable with physical touch. Stick to your guns (politely) and they’ll get over it eventually.
NTA, you shouldn’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to. If you shake hands, that seems a totally okay substitute. I would maybe leave the culture talk out of it and focus more on being friendly while sticking to your boundaries, like \*shakes hands warmly\* “no hugs, but welcome!”
NTA
I don’t hug either.
From experience, I would leave “culture” out of it and keep it as a flat “I don’t hug”.
Them: But whyyyyyy?
Me: I just don’t
Them: You meeeeean (or whatever)
Me, now pissed off: Why is it OK for you to touch me when I don’t want to be touched?
Your son needs to have your back on this.
NTA your body your choice. They can be mad about it but it’s not your fault and just keep explaining to them that you simply don’t enjoy hugs.
NTA
Your personal body autonomy and consent supersede their customs if you are uncomfortable
NTA. Ik it’s family but if you don’t feel comfortable, that’s your choice and ppl shouldn’t make u feel bad for it
I don’t like hugging myself.
NTA. I’m like you… Im not a hugger and am generally uncomfortable hugging people.
It may be part of their culture to hug. It’s not part of yours, and will make you uncomfortable being forced to do it.
Why do huggers find it so hard to understand that not everyone likes hugs?
as a big cuddly hugger myself i say:
NTA for having boundaries
your boundaries should be respected. if the issue is just the hugging and you’re otherwise respectful and inclusive towards them then there is no need for them to be offended
had to read the part about cultural difference twice.
if i understood that right, that you’re just telling them to be understanding of the local’s stance of things then you’re NTA on that too
NTA. I am a BIG hugger and I don’t hug people till they tell me that’s okay
I only give hugs to some people. There are people I don’t want their hands on me at all .
NTA you’ve explained this to your son and DIL, right? Then it’s on them to tell her family it’s nothing personal against them, it’s just your culture/personal preference to not hug.
NTA, but if you want to have a close relationship with these folks, ask your son to speak to them about the issue. And maybe try to find out if there’s anything you can do other than hugging to help them feel warmly welcomed. Maybe inviting them over for dinner, or looking for a special seasonal treat from Ukraine that you can gift them at an appropriate time?
It’s fine to have boundaries, but part of building relationships with people is give-and-take. If you aren’t willing to give in this regard, you should invest some time & thought into other areas where you *are* willing to give.
If you don’t care about your relationship with these folks, then of course feel free to disregard.
\[As a side note: Not sure if you’re autistic or not, but as an autistic woman who used to have a TON of aversion to hugs — like, I would shake hands with friends to say hello/good-bye in high school — it’s also something you can choose to work on in yourself. I think our society is trending towards “nobody has the right to touch you / it’s okay to never want to touch anybody,” and I get that that’s a backlash to the bad old “everyone has the right to feel you up” days, but I don’t think that either extreme is necessarily the healthiest. I personally feel like my life has been improved by altering my POV on hugging and trying to embrace it as a fleeting gesture of shared humanity. Again, no judgment on people who feel differently or who just can’t get there. Just wanted to share my two cents as someone who’s been there.\]
NTA
Keep your boundary. Their culture doesn’t supersede your personal comfort even if you were in their country. This is not about location.
If you’ve explained it to them and they insist on offering/expecting hugs upon greeting you’re NTA.
Everyone is entitled to their personal physical boundaries.