My husband and I got into a big fight over this and if I did make a social faux pas, I obviously don’t want to repeat it, including in slightly different but similar contexts. But that requires me to understand why something was wrong in the first place.
My husband (let’s call him Bob) is going to be the best man for his friend (let’s call him Ted). Yesterday Ted came over so my husband could try on suits, to make sure it matches Ted’s suit. They go into the bedroom, groom puts on his suit, hubsand puts on the first suit, and then they both come out at the same time to ask my opinion.
This is the part where we’re disagreeing about what was actually said, but we’ll go with my husband’s retelling. He said I said, "hmmm… im not sure about this one… I think Bob stands out too much next to you"
Today my husband brings this up and tells me I shouldn’t have said he "stands out" next to the groom, especially when he’s paid all this money for this suit, and he’s going to feel bad about it if I say his best man stands out more than him.
I was so confused because I was clearly talking about the suits, given that was the whole point of this exercise, and he tried on two more suits, which I then said looked more cohesive. I later even explained why those worked and the first one didnt, because the second two suits fade behind the groom.
My husband claims he was the one that switched the commenting to focus on the colour. Even if that is the case, from my perspective I was always talking about the suits, and am having a hard time understand how it could be taken out of context.
My husband also is unhappy that because I used those words, that’s what Ted repeated to his fiance, when saying why we think no to the first suit, that I said "Bob stands out too much next to me".
So can you tell me, AITA?
NTA, you’re just making sure the groom actually looks like the groom on his own day.
That was exactly my intention! But supposedly my intention doesn’t matter and the outcome was it made the groom feel insecure (which I’m skeptical about :/)
You’re skeptical that the groom could feel that way? That he’s telling the truth about it? That your husband is telling the truth?
What reason would either of them have not to be honest about their feelings?
It’s very very strange that you are “skeptical”.
NAH
You made a comment that wasn’t very clear.
It rubbed hubby the wrong way…and it was probably hard for him to ask you to clarify in the moment because he didn’t want the groom to feel badly becuase he didn’t know where you were going to go with the comment?
(I’m just putting myself into Ted’s shoes, if I’m the bride and my bridesmaids are trying on dresses wiht me and someone said ‘hmmm I don’t know, Cindy stands out too much’ I take that as ‘I don’t look good enough, Cindy looks better’.)
Anyway, you shouldn’t have said that your husband stands out, (that could mean colour, he looks better in it, it makes him look tall/better/louder/awful/mismatched….you could have been clear and said something like ‘the colour is too bold against your suit Ted’. Focus on the suit, not the person.
Just take a knee on this, and understand he is expressing how he felt and you shouldn’t dismiss it. Just listen, show him you understand. That’s all.
NTA – while your comment wasn’t entirely clear, you did follow up by noting it was about how the color/cut of the suit out-shined what the groom was wearing. That’s perfectly reasonable, as aside from the bride, the remaining focus should be on the groom.
You further clarified that you thought the second suit was a better choice because it allowed the groom to stand out more.
There was some miscommunication, but not AH behavior.
NTA
You know the best way to make them match? Rent them or go someplace where all the groomsmen purchase wedding attire together. If they aren’t going to do that, then the colors are never going to match and they all will look a little off next to each other. The best way to handle that would be to have the groom in something that is completely different and a contrast to the groomsmen. That could be a different color (groom goes dark whereas groomsmen are in a lighter shade or vise versa) or it could be some added flair (vest, tie, etc).
But trying to match greys from different suit makers and different kinds of fabrics is a fool’s errand.
Definitely wish he just never asked for my opinion if it was going to lead to him being upset with me and us arguing…
NAH. This sounds like a wording issue.
You were clearly talking about the suits, since that was the whole point of them trying them on. Saying one made your husband “stand out too much” makes sense in that context.
Your husband probably reacted to how it sounded, because at weddings the groom is usually expected to stand out the most. So hearing that the best man “stands out more” can come across awkward even if you meant the suit color or style.
You weren’t wrong, it was just phrasing that could be interpreted differently.
You didn’t have to repeat the title three times, we get it 😉
Anyway, I’m not even sure what the husband was upset about in the first place. Is it that he is good-looking and Ted isn’t, and he thought you were pointing that out?
Anyway, it’s true that your initial wording was ambiguous and didn’t specify why he stands out, but you subsequently explained what you meant and I think he should drop it. NTA
NTA – you’d say the same thing to a bridesmaid trying on dresses that might overshadow the bride’s. It’s just about where the eyes go
That’s actually the exact example I gave… I would have definitely wanted someone to tell me if the bridesmaids dresses outshone mine, whether it’s because of the colour, the cut, etc. I’d rather that than have people gossip on the big day, or for me to realise in photos when it’s too late.
right that’s the whole point of trying them on together. tbh I think guys just aren’t used to talking about clothes like that and can get a bit sensitive
However, if you said the MOH stands out next too much that can create insecurity for the bride. If objectively the MON is more attractive or even equally attractive, it then becomes not about the dress.
I fully understand what OP meant but this is being relayed to the bride and I can also understand insecurities.
We’ve had MOH/bridesmaids on reddit talk about the bride feeling insecure next to them not just because of the dress.
Sometimes understanding the occassion and how communication will be relayed is important. If groom and bride have no issues, not a concern.
No bride would want to hear a MOH stands out more even if it’s only about a dress……same with men.