I (20F) recently had an argument with my close friend (23F). I was actually her maid of honor, and we hang out a lot. Because of that, this situation really bothered me and I’m wondering if I overreacted.
My friend planned a last-minute trip to a city 3h away. At first, the idea came up in a group chat and my friend said that if my husband and I wanted to go, we would have to go with two cars and asked if my husband would drive. Since it was seven people, we wouldn’t all be able to fit in one car. The thing is, she thought my husband could drive, but found out in the same convo. why he actually can’t. So I asked my friend what the plan was and basically asked if they were going or how they were organizing the trip. I’m sure if my husband was able to drive we would have to drive the other friends who didn’t want to drive, no questions asked.
She didn’t reply anything to my message. (Also, I knew she saw the message because she replied to the group chat the day of to ask if it was cold outside/if she should bring a jacket. Since she was active in the chat but ignored my specific question)I didn’t want to look pushy, so I left it. The next day we even saw each other in person and the topic still didn’t come up. Because of that, I started feeling like my message was just ignored. Later I found out that five of them had decided to go together in one car. When I asked about it again, she said she assumed my husband and I weren’t going because we didn’t come up with a solution for driving. I asked why her husband and his friend wouldn’t drive with two cars. She said it was silly of me to expect that, that we were both adults and should have made up a solution. We could not have since I didn’t get any info at my question.
The thing is, the trip itself isn’t the main issue for me. I wouldn’t have minded at all if she had just told me directly something like: “Hey, the five of us already decided to go in one car, there isn’t space for more people, sorry we’ll hang out another time.” I would have completely understood that. What bothered me was feeling like I was just… left out of the conversation.
Another part of this is that I’ve sometimes felt like it’s hard for me to fully fit in with that friend group; they are mostly her friends and they don’t seem to like my husband. He is socially awkward and shy. We still try to join them because my friend means a lot to me. When I explained that I felt ignored, and only needed my husband when she needed things, she got upset and said she always invites me. She also said the trip was something small and unimportant to her, so she didn’t think it needed that much discussion.
For additional context, I’ve also been under a lot of stress recently because of my job and health. Now she’s hurt because she thinks I’m accusing her of using us or saying she’s selfish, which honestly wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to explain why I felt hurt in that moment.
So now I’m wondering if I blew this out of proportion. AITA?
To further clarify: Anytime I offered to drive I was told I didn’t have to. I’m not that secure in my driving and parking skills and I was unable to drive in to a big city, to why my husband culdn’t drive he has his licence suspended temporarely because of unrelating events (an unpaid speeding ticket). Often when I invite my friend to movies, concerts, lunch dates, or festivals, she declines because she is not in the mood. That hurts me too and I have missed many events I wanted to attend because I think of her first to ask and she takes her time to respond and I end up not going. recently I have started just going by myself and not asking. I often go places with her even when I’m not that excited about the activity itself I go to make her happy. I’ve also tried to include my husband more so he can get to know everyone. She says her husband drives 90% of the time and never complains. I have always offered to pay for gas and split other expenses.
You seem to think this person should determine if you do things.
“I invite her and it takes a long time to reply”
The answer is: do it yourself or ask someone else.
You are definitely the asshole.
If you wanted to go, you should have gone and said “hey, we will see you there.”
It was last minute, you didn’t bring it up when you saw her and now you want to take a bite out of her.
That’s dumb.
>I have missed many events I wanted to attend because I think of her first
This only makes sense if you mean you “think of her first” as a ride, not as a friend. You can go to a movie without her if you’re not counting on her for transportation. What would you do if she instantly said no to an invite? Plan to do that before you invite her, so you know you’re going with or without her.
This doesn’t help your case – it just sounds like you’ve been using your friend as a ride and expecting her to chauffeur you around and/or solve it for you when that’s not possible.
My guess is that your friend has picked up on this too and is tired of that dynamic.
She told you initially that if you and your husband wanted to go, there would need to be another car taken. That you somehow then expected this to be on her to figure out YOUR problem – your husband with a suspended license and you with your lack of driving confidence – is entirely on you.
You also had other opportunities to bring this up to her but chose not to because… I don’t even really know why except it seems to be additional evidence that you want to be catered to.
YTA.
> The next day we even saw each other in person and the topic still didn’t come up.
YTA.
Why wouldn’t you mention it if its on your mind? It was last min, she said they didn’t have room for you, she forgot to follow up. You did remember but chose not to and then got mad???
“She didn’t reply anything to my message. I didn’t want to look pushy, so I left it. The next day we even saw each other in person and the topic still didn’t come up.”
Question: why didn’t you bring it up then?
ESH- (including your post as well as your “to further clarify” comment) both of you seem to have avoidant issues, as well as passive aggressive tendencies. It’s probably best you and your hubby didn’t go on that trip
Sorry but yes YTA she said if you and husband are going to go you’ll need to go in a second car and asked if he’d drive. He wouldn’t. You wouldn’t. How did you expect to get there.
YTA. She told you in the first conversation that if you were going, you would need to drive. You didn’t mention it being a problem in that conversation or later when you saw her in person. It seems like you’re more interested in playing games and trying to make her guess why you are upset versus actually talking about anything.
NTA – You are definitely not the asshole here. It’s completely valid to feel hurt when a close friend ignores you and organizes a plan that leaves you out.
It sounds like you are a ‘giver’ in this friendship (going to things you don’t like, offering to pay, trying to include everyone) and she is more of a ‘taker’ or at least someone who only operates on her own terms. You aren’t being ‘too sensitive’ you’re just noticing a shift in the effort being put in.
Don’t let her make you feel ‘silly’ for wanting clear communication. That’s just a way to deflect from the fact that she dropped the ball on replying to you. Maybe stop over-extending yourself for people who don’t match your energy right now.
Oh dear….you might not like what I am saying, but I doubt she is your real friend.
She probably is friendly but that doesn’t necessarily mean she is your friend. And you sound a little needy tbh.. ( no offense)
If she really wanted you to be part of it, she would have set heaven and hell in motion for it to work out. Because that’s what friends do.
It’s time you find some real friends that appreciate you for who you are!
OP sounds beyond needy, and I don’t think you should make your friends move heaven and earth for you last minute if you haven’t even communicated you really wanted to go to but couldn’t figure out your own transportation. I have a feeling this friend is getting tired of being blamed whenever they refuse to play the enabling mom for a married adult.