Backstory: I (27F) have a very good friend from college Sarah (fake names). We were best friends in college and stayed close for the first couple years after, even though we lived in different cities. About a year post-grad, she told me about a guy, Mark, at her workplace who was clearly interested in her and kept coming onto her, even though she didn’t reciprocate. This was happening towards the end of the pandemic (early 2021), and like many people Sarah had been struggling socially, since she’d moved to a new city during a pandemic and couldn’t meet anyone outside of work. So she would agree to hang out with Mark when he asked, but made it clear to him she only wanted to spend time with him as a friend. Still, he would continue to make his romantic interest known (bringing her gifts to the office, staring at her inappropriately)–until things came to a head when they were both at the office late one night, and he started *massaging her shoulders*, like a character from an 80s sexual harassment video. They ended up hooking up that night, but she called me after sounding very upset about it. I actually went out to visit her because of how upset she was. She said it was all consensual, but the entire situation made her feel gross.
Fast-forward a couple months, and these two started dating. At the time, Sarah told me that she’d had feelings for Mark deep-down all along, she’d just been confused before and that’s why she’d been so upset when that first hook-up happened. As you can imagine, I was super skeptical at first and kept watching closely to see if Mark was being manipulative or if Sarah was unhappy in any way, but… she seemed great. Now it’s a few years later and they’re getting married. We haven’t been as close as we once were, in part because I didn’t hide my disapproval of their relationship early on. Now I’m on board, cause all’s well that ends well I guess.
I’m happy to be attending the wedding, but recently Sarah asked if I’d give a speech about them at the reception. All of their other friends who will be at the wedding are their coworkers, who only found out about their relationship a couple years in, so Sarah says none of them can speak to "the whole journey" of their love story. I was kinda taken aback, since I *do* know their whole love story–and it didn’t start in a romantic way at all. I told her that while I was very happy for her now, I wasn’t comfortable making up some lie about how their relationship began just for the sake of this speech. She’s pretty upset with me now and thinks I’m being petty and unreasonable, and that if I’m really happy for her, I’ll do this. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m still not thrilled about how this all started, but I do want to be supportive of my friend. So AITA for refusing to give this speech at her wedding?
NTA, this whole situation is really weird. Sounds kind of like they’re better off without someone who can speak to the whole journey.
NTA if she is that upset maybe she should do some reflecting on why?
NAH. It’s a strange journey and it makes sense that you’d be apprehensive to give a speech about that. You’re not obligated to speak at a wedding about a topic you don’t feel comfortable speaking to.
That said, unless you left out details, it doesn’t sound like your friend is asking you to lie. Talking about their journey doesn’t have to involve talking about the whole journey. I imagine you could speak to how they met in a way that doesn’t go into deep detail.
Oof, this is a strange one. If you don’t feel comfortable making the speech, then don’t.
However, you are her oldest friend, and you are attending the wedding, so yes it would feel awkward if you don’t say something.
If you’re willing to deal with that awkwardness and potential tension with your friend, then stick to your decision.
But if you think you can muster up a quick, relatively honest speech… maybe just talk about how they met during COVID and experienced some bumps along the way but now here they are making this commitment to each other. It shows that it’s not always love at first sight but it can still be love forever after. Something quick like that?
NTA. I’d be curious as to what exactly is the story from her POV.
You say you’re on board with them getting married, so why are you still hung up on the way the relationship started?
Asking you to give a speech about the course of their relationship does NOT mean you should include the fact that they hooked up and she got so upset about it you had to go visit her in another city. Plenty of relationships start with one person pursuing the other until the other person becomes interested. Not all marriages start with love at first sight for both parties!
It’s hard to tell if you’re bothered about the speech because you have a problem with the way the relationship started or because you don’t want to *talk* about the way the relationship started. If it’s the former, you need to get over something that happened years ago and help them celebrate their current and future relationship. That’s what Sarah’s asking you to do.
NTA. It’s not wrong to be uncomfortable lying to glaze how the relationship started (from your perspective – which is what a toast is all about).
YTA for not making some effort to come up with an honest speech that doesn’t embarrass or criticize. It’s not that hard. If you’re on board now, you can say in your speech and that you weren’t sure at first about this relationship, and as her friend, you had misgivings, but over time, you’ve come to see that they have a wonderful and solid relationship, and you’re very happy for them. Can’t you do this for your friend? Have her look over your speech and approve it first.
NAH
It’s a bit of a weird ask, like usually a MOH gives a speech….not another random friend, and what she’s asking is a bit over the top considering you don’t really ‘know’ Mark.
Why are ‘all the other friends’ coworkers? Does she not have any other friends of her own? And why does it matter if they only ‘found out’ about their relationship later, they certainly know the two of them ‘together’ better than you?
So why not ask Sarah to clarify, like ‘can I give your MOH some background and she can work it into her speech?’
or even ‘I’m honoured you’re asking me to speak, but I have to say, you specifically want a story told from the beginnign and he beginning wasn’t that great….what do you want me to say?’
or just make a nice speech about your friend, how happy YOU were that she was happy, or skip over some stuff like ‘all I knew is Sarah totally friend-zoned this guy ‘Mark’ until after some time, she finally saw him as who she loved’ or something. You don’t have to go in depth, just spend time talking about how they’re happy now. Like a minute long.
NTA to refuse to make a speech for any reason. 😀 I despise public speaking, and I’d refuse to say anything other than perhaps a ‘Here’s to the happy couple’ type toast.
But I would say that she’s drawn a line in the sand – she wants you fully on board with a public acknowledgement of the success of the relationship, or things are likely to keep fading (or come to an abrupt end) with your friendship. And that might be for the best, if you don’t think their relationship has moved on to solid ground from rocky beginnings, and you can still be there for her if things eventually break apart.
If she is happy, and her husband to be treats her well, then maybe you should see if she’s willing to let you downgrade that speech to something you are comfortable with, so long as you acknowledge that they’re happy and you’re happy for them.
Good luck.
NTA- I bet all the coworkers feel it’s kind of a sketchy beginning as well. It feels like you’re being asked to prove he’s a good guy. It’s icky.
NTA
I’d do it, but you’re still NTA if you aren’t comfortable with it and don’t do it.
Cover everything you covered here:
1 how she wasn’t into him at first
2 how he didn’t give up
3 how they eventually stared dating
4 how you were skeptical at first
and—this is the important part—
5 how he convinced you that he was a good thing for her.
Then give her the speech ahead of time in case she has any problems with parts 1 or 2. If she doesn’t, mission accomplished. If she does, axe them and replace them with 1 or 2 sentences about how he fell for her hard.
The message about “never giving up on pursuing a woman” IS problematic, but I don’t think a wedding speech is going to significantly move our cultural needle. But again, if you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it, and NTA.
“Now I’m on board, cause all’s well that ends well I guess.”
Soft YTA, you’re being hypocritical, either support your friends relationship or don’t. You can’t tell her you support her but that you’re not willing to do it publicly on her special day, it’s mixed signals. Sit down with yourself and figure out how you really feel about the situation and be honest with her.
you could do a speech but speak more on HER growth as a woman and an individual over the yeas and wrap it up with being excited to see how this union helps them grow as individuals and a unit