My sister is graduating with her bachelor’s in May, the ceremony is 2 hours away.
I have 3 children, ranging from 10 months to 6 years old. Youngest baby is breastfed and I will not start weaning her yet, her birthday is May 12th. She has not been away from me for more than a few hours her whole life, in fact not one person has baby sat any of them for more than a couple hours for almost a year.
Ceremony is at 9am, on a Friday and will be very long. My sister only has a ticket for me, none of my other kids or husband. The only options I’ve thought of are:
Ask my MIL to watch the older kids, drive up with my baby and mom. Baby can’t sit through the whole ceremony so we’d watch my sister and then sit somewhere until the ceremony is over and then try to keep her behaved, for the dinner after and car ride home. This could in theory work if not for the fact my mother is driving up the night before and spending the night there, so there goes that plan. And my mom is adamant the baby doesn’t go to the ceremony at all.
The next plan. My husband takes off work, my MIL watches older kids, my husband, baby and I drive up and he sits in parking lot with baby until it’s over, then we drive back home. This is the plan suggested to me by my mom, who says I can’t use my kids as an excuse to not do things that are important, and that I need to do this bc it’s as important as a wedding, saying think about your sister making the cake for your daughters bday etc,… But I personally don’t want to subject my baby and husband to sitting in a car for hours on end? And I’m not sure if my husband can take off. Also, my MIL has lupus and is unreliable in that she may not even feel well enough to watch the kids when the time comes.
Am I the asshole for asking if I could watch a livestream because I can’t figure out a way to do this feasibly??? My sister is upset with me for even suggesting not going, and my mom was completely shaming me every which way… I’m at a loss. I feel horrible because this is a big deal for my sister and I want to support her, but I’m like there has to be a way that works for us too? As in livestream, visit her and celebrate her achievement a different day afterward, etc? 😭😭😭
ETA: I went to her associate’s ceremony with my 2 kids and husband. That was right in town though and we had tickets for all of us, so the situation was a bit different.
YTA – I can see how someone could come down on the other side, but if this is a really big deal to your sister, and it’s truly a once in a lifetime thing (like a college graduation), I don’t think arranging for babysitting for a day and having your husband take the baby on a walk around the venue or hanging in a car for a couple hours is a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
What might be a big deal is you missing your siblings graduation all together. Kids can pretty easily go a day/several hours without their mom for a special occasion.
Ummmm husband watchs kid, you pump ahead of time??? So baby has milk or use formula for that day
Or you drive up, husband watches the other kids and you take the baby… you have a car
This would be by fair the easiest way
I don’t get why you are making this so complicated
Edit: YTA you are just making this hard for no reason, if you don’t want to go then own it
Your baby can drink form a sippy cup, put the milk in that and have dad watch the kids.
Is there a reason your husband can’t stay home with all three kids? I know you’re breastfeeding, but can you not store up milk in advance, just for the day? I understand it’s scary leaving a baby behind for that long, but it sounds like her dad can be there for all of them, and that’s kind of what having two parents are for.
Your baby is almost a year old and not even started on weaning? You can’t just pump and let her have a bottle? Your husband should be able to stay home with the kids for an evening. This whole dynamic is really weird. YTA.
Soft YTA mainly because you should come up with suggestions now on how you’ll celebrate her graduation other than coming to the ceremony. It makes sense that it may not be feasible to attend BUT as someone who’s married with 3 kids, your sister has put a lot of time and money and effort into celebrating you several times over the years, and it sounds like she feels that it isn’t reciprocated. Graduation is a big achievement.
AND I’m not convinced you can’t attend. You talk about your husband sitting in the car with the kids as tho that’s the only option. He could take the kids to the zoo, a museum, a movie, a park, etc. The 5 of you could drive up the night before and then there’s a hotel room he and the kids could fall back on if the park falls thru, etc.
Honestly.. I have a hard time saying it but YTA. BECAUSE and hear me out, I know you say you “don’t want to subject your husband and baby to sitting around waiting” You realize he’s capable of entertaining the baby in other areas, he doesn’t have to sit in the parking lot in the one singular spot, and watch the baby. He could pack a stroller & diaper bag and go to park and walk around, or a shopping center? There’s other options.. You’re just not wanting to go. Or hubby and baby could just stay home? Your argument is that you’re refusing to wean her.. She’ll be a year old by the graduation (If I’m reading your post right?) She SHOULD be on some solid foods and SHOULD be finished with breastmilk by the time graduation happens. You need to get over yourself or the “village” on your mom’s side (sounds like your sister is literally making your baby’s cake. Yes that’s your village.) is going to be gone and your struggle will be a lot worse. Figure out an alternative if you ACTUALLY want to be supportive. Otherwise, you’re just saying you are without action
Soft YTA – I have a feeling that you are a married single mom. You talk as though your husband is not capable of taking care of the baby outside of sitting in a car waiting for you. Why can’t he find something fun to do with the kids while you attend the ceremony? Sounds like he’s a hands off dad and maybe that’s why mom is so adamant about him stepping up while you attend the graduation.
Soft YTA mostly because it sounds like you don’t want to figure something out despite having two months to do so. The baby will be almost a year old and while I’m not suggesting you need to wean them by then (personal choice and all) there are options you could explore. This clearly means a lot to your sister and sometimes support means showing up in person. You want your sister to wait until it’s convenient for you to celebrate her achievement.
YTA. Your baby will be a year old by that time. Being unable to leave her with her dad for a few hours is ridiculous. Pump some milk, and if she doesn’t take it he can just feed her regular food while you’re away. You’re using her as an excuse and it’s a pretty selfish thing to do on such a big day for your sister.
YTA.
You’re the one clearly not comfortable leaving your kids alone if even your 6yo hasnt been away from you for more than a few hours. So at a certain point you are just using your kids as an excuse.
Pump ahead of time and have your husband watch the kid. Enjoy the day off and be there for your sis who clearly wants you there. You have over a month to figure it out
Info
Do you not trust your own husband? Has he really never taken care of his own child for more than a few hours at a time? Do you allow him to parent, or do you treat him as another child?
Look, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. But I do think you’re being a bit dramatic portraying this as absolutely impossible when it’s really not. Driving up with your husband and him watching the baby while you go to the ceremony seems like a perfectly viable option. They don’t have to sit in the car the whole time. They can go to a park, a cafe, whatever. Or you can drive up with just the baby and take her to the ceremony, if she gets fussy you can step out. Or, you could decide that this is the time you’re finally going to be away from your baby for a few hours and just pump some milk in advance. Lots of viable options. If you don’t want to go, don’t go, but YTA for acting like it’s out of your hands rather than just owning “this feels like a hassle and I don’t feel like dealing with it.”
YTA. Why can’t your husband watch his own children without your assistance? Have you really never pumped ever?
Why on earth would your husband have to sit in the car with the baby for hours? Graduations are in late spring/early summer when the weather tends to be beautiful. He could load baby up in a stroller and hang out in a park, find a cool kid-friendly museum or attraction like a zoo nearby, etc. There’s no reason your husband can’t watch a baby for a few hours.