WIBTA asking my husband to reconsider attending a wedding?
I’m (29F) currently pregnant with our second child, and I’m really struggling with a situation involving my husband (31M) and a wedding.
Before we knew I was pregnant, we were both invited to a friend’s wedding, and my husband was asked to be a groomsman. He accepted.
After we found out I was pregnant, we were under the impression that we’d still be able to attend and bring our kids (or at least our newborn). My husband and I both remembered the bride mentioning the babies could come. However, we just recently found out that the wedding is now strictly no kids, which I understand we did the same for ours with exceptions, but it does make things a lot harder given the timing.
The wedding is less than 5 months away.
Our baby will be less than a month old when the wedding happens. It’s also about a 2-hour drive away. I’m really not comfortable leaving a newborn that young, even if it’s family. We talked about possibly bringing one of our parents to help with our older child, but that still doesn’t solve the issue with the newborn.
My husband thinks I should just stay home with the baby and that he should still go since he’s in the wedding. He says he’d even drive back the same night and not drink. He also says that if the roles were reversed, he’d be okay with me going. But honestly that just makes me feel worse. Implying that I *should* be okay with it. Easy for him to say when he has no idea how vulnerable being postpartum feels.
I’m really having a hard time with this.
It doesn’t feel fair that I’m basically the one who has to miss out no matter what. I’ll be freshly postpartum, home alone with a newborn and he’ll be at a wedding with our friends without me.
I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I also feel really alone in this and honestly kind of hurt. Part of me feels its wrong for asking him not to go and then part of me feels like he *should* step down from being in the wedding given the (new) circumstances, but I don’t know if that’s unreasonable.
Am I wrong for feeling this way or for wanting him to reconsider going?
WIBTA for asking my husband to reconsider attending this wedding?
You are not wrong for feeling that way.
You are wrong for asking him not to go.
It’s one day! Yes it’s not fair. It’s also not fair that men don’t have to give birth to babies.
And he’s IN the wedding ffs.
Yes it will suck being alone at home while he’s off having fun.
But it would suck more to demand he stay home and let down his friend just because you’d be jealous he got to have fun and you didn’t.
Don’t be that person.
Yes, you would be the AH. What your husband proposed is totally reasonable? It seems like you don’t want him going anywhere without you. Let him go enjoy his friend’s wedding for a few hours. If you truly think that you will need help, maybe one of your parents can come and help you out. I must say that I had a one year old and a newborn (both c-sections), and things didn’t fall apart when my husband was not home 24-7.
YWBTA, what exactly is it that you would like? He’s in the wedding; do you want him to drop out? You say you have FOMO, well parents make sacrifices. Are you saying you’re only happy if your husband misses out too? You aren’t comfortable with leaving the baby, fine but that’s you wanting to be comfortable. I just don’t understand what you would like here. It seems you’re only satisfied if your husband misses out on the wedding and that frankly seems selfish.
Soft YTA. Can one of your parents stay with you the night he’s away? For extra support.
I appreciate you’re feeling vulnerable, but asking your husband not to go would be unfair. If he’s close enough to these friends to have been asked to be a groomsman then it’s a big deal.
You’ll be ok for 24 hours. Let him go with your blessing.
For me, this is a soft YTA. I’m speaking as someone who is also currently pregnant with my 2nd kid. It sucks to miss stuff when you’re pregnant or have a newborn, but that’s just the reality of the situation, and it doesn’t really make things better to have your husband miss out too.
Plus I don’t see this as a situation where you’re automatically and unfairly the one missing out just because you’re the woman — he made a commitment to the couple getting married to be a groomsman (whereas you don’t have a specific role at the wedding), so it makes sense that if one of you is going to attend, it would be him.
Finally, it seems like he’s being pretty reasonable and making compromises like not drinking and coming home that same night. In your shoes, I would take him up on that, have family take care of your older kid for the evening (so you’re not stuck solo with both kids), and maybe ask a friend to come over for company that evening so you have something fun to do.
Your feelings are valid, but I think this is NAH
You’re not an asshole for struggling with this. But I don’t think he’s an asshole for still wanting to go either. It’s just bad timing colliding with real-life commitments. You’re allowed to feel this way, and you’re allowed to feel disappointed. Being less than a month post-partum is intense.
He’s already compromising by minimising his time away, and not partying/drinking. This is a one-off important commitment he’s made to a (presumably) good friend.
This is something to work through together, not something to ask him to sacrifice over. Maybe the middle ground is focusing less on whether he goes, and more on what you need to feel supported and less vulnerable f he does. The shorter attendance, making sure you’re set up with all you need, that he is contactable, that you have your parents drop by may all be part of that.
If you can bring one of your parents with to help, then one of them can come help you at home while he attends the wedding.
Unless you have complications, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to go.
And of course you’re the one to miss out no matter what…he’s in the wedding for crying out loud.
While I do get being concerned about how you’ll feel postpartum, this post doesn’t really come off as that being your biggest issue. Your biggest issue does seem to be the fact that you think it’s unfair that he gets to go and you don’t.
Very, very gently YTA
Agree 100%. He’s not just a guest, he’s a groomsman. Have someone come stay with you and let him drive home after. It’s fair. It’s not like he’ll be out partying all night.
And honestly the fact you’d be willing to take a less than one month old to a wedding, along with your other child, seems to point that you’re not so worried about postpartum issues.
YTA.
>It doesn’t feel fair that I’m basically the one who has to miss out no matter what
For someone that already has a kid this is a pretty naive thing to say (it’s also incredibly obvious regardless). Like yeah it’s not fair but that’s life.
He’s in the wedding. You’re not.
And don’t even pretend you were going to take a <one month old baby to a wedding even if it was allowed. Again, this is quite clueless for someone that already has a kid. You don’t take a baby that young into social situations.
Like he’s coming back the same night and not drinking. You are being very unreasonable.
YTA you have no idea how you’ll be feeling and you will have a weeks old baby.
I don’t even know why you’re apparently wishing you could bring an infant to a wedding full of germs. I do not for the life of me understand parents who risk the health of their infants in this way.
I don’t know why you’re begrudging your husband this one thing, when he’s *in the fucking wedding* and he won’t even be gone a night.
Parents make sacrifices. Act like one. You’ve done this before, you should know.
I say this gently but I think you’re wrong. It’s one day. You can still have a relative come and help you while your husband goes to the wedding. If he were just a guest I’d say he should skip it, but he was invited to be in the wedding party which I personally consider an honor. I’m sorry to say it, but being a parent means missing out on things sometimes. I’ve been in a version of your shoes, sad to miss my favorite aunt and uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary when I had a newborn and all of my family were in the ceremony. That was just how things worked out so I focused on it being a bonding day with the baby.
It’s for a day and he’s in the wedding party. Sounds like you’re more upset that you are missing out on the wedding. Yta
You might be exaggerating here OP. When your husband goes to work you will stay with your newborn alone. Be more generous and let him enjoy himself. Aside from having a huge FOMO you also have crabs in the bucket syndrome thinking that if you can’t have fun neither should he. YTA
You just don’t want him to have fun without you. You would stay alone with a newborn when husband goes to work or even shopping so that’s not an excuse.
He is a groomsman and even has agreed to not drink and comeback on the same day, you are being unreasonable. YTA