Hi. I’ll try to make this as short as possible, but I ain’t making any promises. Basically, my best friend (“Maria”- 17F) recently lost her boyfriend (“Billy”- 18M) over Christmas. They were together for over 3 years and she talked about him pretty often, although I never met him. Maria and I have only been friends for a year or so and Billy struggled with worsening terminal illness, so he was never really fit enough to meet me.
I can tell she has been struggling. She doesn’t ask me to get the train home with her anymore so the only time we talk is when we’re in class together. She looks miserable a lot of the time and has been drinking small bottles of coffee at college, which she never used to do (tiredness?). Honestly, I don’t really know what to do with her at this point.
However, she walked me to my bus stop last week, but she seemed really low-energy so I asked her if she was alright. She then told me that she has been really angry with me recently because she doesn’t feel supported. She brought up a chat we had before Billy’s death where I apparently said I would “physically be there” in that I would take her on days out and come over, as she feels “extremely lonely right now”. To be honest, I got quite annoyed at this point because I lost my great grandma last month, so I thought she would be more understanding, especially since this is my first loss whereas Billy is not hers (her sister died a few years ago). To be fair, she did say that her anger was “unwarranted and unfair”, which is something. She also said that it made her feel worse when she mentioned my lack of presence over text and I responded “I’m here if you need me” because it “put the responsibility for finding support back on her when she’s already exhausted”. Sorry about all the quotes, I can only really explain it in her words.
After that, I couldn’t really look at her. She got worried and told me to tell her how I was feeling. I said that I was annoyed, but that it wouldn’t change our friendship. My bus arrived immediately afterwards, so we didn’t have much time to talk about it.
Now I don’t know what to do. I know I said I’d be present, but I didn’t expect Billy to die so soon, so I didn’t think I would be in this situation right now. I also think the grief might be clouding her judgment, so I don’t know if I should take her seriously or not. However, I’m not in her shoes so I could be in the wrong here. AITA?
I mean, it’s kinda odd you’re comparing the death of a great grandma who lived a full accomplished life with a family and children to the death of an 18 yr old young love who never gets to fulfill their dreams – especially if she already lost a sister young. Your friend is broken. I’m not going to call you an AH but your lack of empathy (I said I’d be present, but I didn’t expect Biily to die so soon, so I didnt think I’d be in this situation right now….WTF???) is concerning.
> I lost my great grandma last month, so I thought she would be more understanding, especially since this is my first loss whereas Billy is not hers (her sister died a few years ago).
Quite possibly one of the most asshole statements I’ve ever seen someone earnestly write. YTA.
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**You think she should be able to handle her grief easier because her sister died**
This is the sound of my brain screeching to a halt. How the what the fuck even fuck.
You said you’d be present, but you meant “as long as I don’t have anything else going on.”
YTA
ok, I get it, you’re young.
Still: YTA
Your whole post is so severely lacking in empathy it’s not even funny anymore.
She should deal with it better because she already lost her sister? As in: another person close to her and close to her in age?
You either wise up or leave her alone. No one needs a friend like that when they are grieving.
A second loss in your life (especially if you’re that young!!) isn’t making things any better, in my experience even worse. Great grandma is also not the same level of.. tragedy as a bf or sister dying that young. YTA, definitely
You’re young and it can be awkward to figure out how to support someone after a death, so I don’t want to be too harsh here, but YTA.
You told Maria you would be there for her after Billy died and then didn’t take the initiative to do any of the things you promised (ie, coming over, taking her out).
She even texted you that she wanted more support and you just said “I’m here if you need me.” That’s tone-deaf. That text WAS her saying she needed you. By responding like you did, it puts the burden on her of planning everything and seems almost like you’re fishing for her to beg.
Showing up for someone who just lost a partner means taking on the mental load of planning things. It means you just offer to come over and grab their favorite takeout on the way, and you check in on them every day. It doesn’t mean you just watch them look worse and eventually ask about it or grudgingly agree to maybe come over if they ask you just right.
Also, while I think it’s normally healthy to talk openly about your feelings, I think your annoyance is pretty uncalled for.
Losing a sibling does not make losing a partner easier, what troll logic is that? Seriously, those are two of the worst things a person can go through outside of losing a child. Not to minimize your loss, since I’m sure you loved your great-grandma, but what Maria’s going through is a lot harder.
It sounds like she’s trying very hard to give you the benefit of the doubt and tell you what she needs as clearly as she can and you just aren’t being a very good friend.
YTA. You say this person is your best friend but honestly from your post it does not sound like you care about her at all. You told her you would be there for her and you haven’t been. She texted you that she needed you and your only response was that you would be there if she needed but you weren’t actually there for her. And to top it all off you’re now trying to claim that she shouldnt need as much support as she does because this is not the first loss in her life????? This may sound harsh but the loss of a great grandparent, someone who lived a long life, will never be as traumatic as losing a loved one who was young. Whether you mean to be or not you are being a bad friend to her.
YTA. It doesn’t sound like you like Maria at all.
Also, as someone who’s lost a LOT of people (multiple grandparents, my great-grandmother who raised me across a few years, then an uncle-in-law + one of my uncles + my dad within 3 months of each other): comparing losing your great-grandma to someone losing their romantic partner AND their sister is really unhinged behavior.
I’m sorry for your loss, but tbh, YTA and you’re not a good friend. A lot of people are saying that you’re young, but I’ve honestly seen more kindness and empathy in children.
While it’s not nice to promise your support to someone, only to expect them to take the initiative to get that support, it really is your whole attitude that is messed up.
Aside from the fact that you’re kinda making it sound like her boyfriend’s passing is inconveniencing you, it’s even more messed up to think that she ought to be used to losing people because she’s already lost her sister. Loss hits everyone, and it matters not if it’s your first loss or your hundredth. It is not your place to belittle her loss or her pain this way.
I do hope that you develop the grace and maturity that your friend has one day. For her to control her hurt and disappointment, and even apologize for her anger (which was very much warranted, btw) is quite admirable.
#YTA
and this post is so cold-hearted and lacks so much empathy that I am actually feeling real life anger. You are an asshole. And one of the worst kind because you probably, honestly, do even see how shitty you are being.
Jesus fucking Christ. Like, I know you’re young but even for a kid, this is a pretty selfish and fucked way to treat a friend who sat and watched the love of her life slowly wither away and die. Like, you know about death, right? You know how it works and how those people never come back? And you know about how if you love that someone who has died, it’s exponentially harder to process, right? You act like you’re so surprised that her everyday routines have changed, when she’s just trying to cope with the pain.
And you’re all confused because
*You think she should be better at grieving because she already lost a sister?!* HOW IS THAT LOGICAL? So, now she’s lost two young people in her life and what, you think grief gets easier with time?? Do you think it’s like riding a bike or practicing juggling?? The fuck. You compare the death of a very young, barely adult person to your *great-*grandmother’s, *who got to live out a long accomplished life— even long enough to see her grandbaby’s babies???*
Seriously, how can you look at yourself in the mirror?
YTA OP as someone that lost my great-grandma and my mom when I was 8 and my great-grandfather when I was 17.
You lost your great-grandma last month. My sympathies, but you said you thought she’d be “more understanding.” Why can’t you be there for her? If you’re there for her, I’m sure she’ll be there for you, and you can vent and talk about your losses together.
I wouldn’t want you as my friend
YTA – “it’s not her first loss” so fucking what? It’s still a loss.