I (f26) used to be in contact with this guy we will call Nolan for a couple years. I really wanted a relationship with him, but he definitely did not want one with me which I respect. I have not heard from Nolan in a couple years but because he’s a mutual friend, I hear about him occasionally. After we cut contact he gained a good amount of weight. I caught a glimpse of him in public one time and it was noticeable. Three months later, I was scrolling on instagram reels and the place he works at posted a reel about the current holiday at the time and Nolan was in it. He was pretty much a stick figure and probably weighs less than me. I immediately grew concerned. Throughout high school I struggled with multiple EDs and I don’t wish it on anyone. I contacted a long-term mutual friend that I’m close with. We will call him Zane. In high school, Zane was a bigger guy but was still healthy. He had been trying multiple diets and then in college he lost a healthier amount of weight. I expressed my concern about Nolan to Zane, and Zane got a little frustrated with me for being concerned about someone who didn’t care about me and for noticing Nolan’s drastic weight loss before Zane’s drastic weight loss. Zane didn’t lose the weight in three months though and I didn’t realize he briefly dealt with ED habits while trying different diets. I was concerned during a brief time when dieting was all he’d talk about though and our mutual friends were concerned about him, but I guess we never intervened. I was never planning on intervening with Nolan either. If Nolan was dealing with an ED, I was hoping our mutual friends could notice the signs intervene instead.
NTA, because this seems like a weird thing to get upset about. As you said, everyone’s situation is different, and maybe you’ve grown better at recognizing the signs as time went on.
YTA. Let’s resolve Zane’s issue. It has nothing to do with you. Zane is just in his feelings on how you noticed Nolan and not him. Zane gotta go work that out on his own.
Your the AH cause:
> I was never planning on intervening with Nolan either.
So whats the point? You were just hoping to project and gossip about him till someone actually cared?
Lets be honest, this was you intervening and when someone challenged you took the coward’s way out.
Just no point to your actions at all if thats true.
To be honest I explained what I wanted right after I said I wasn’t planning on intervening. Because Nolan and I are no-contact, I expressed my concern to a mutual friend that I was close to, so he can investigate and intervene for me
Not talking to someone because you naturally grew apart is not “no contact.”
Please stop weaponizing pop psychology nonsense you heard on social media. That also includes projecting about EDs.
We didn’t naturally grow apart. We immediately stopped communicating the day I told him about my feelings for him because we didn’t think it would be healthy or uncomfortable for either of us to continue everyday contact
YTA. Yeah, it’s weird to comment to a friend someone might have an ED because… you saw an Instagram reel with him in it? I’d be upset if someone called me out of the blue to essentially gossip about a mutual friend while I’ve been struggling with weight since high-school.
You’re not mutual friends if you never speak to someone. That’s barely acquainted. It sounds like yearning.
ETA: you haven’t spoken to him since you confessed and have been no contact since? **Leave him alone.** Stop stalking his socials. Stop contacting **his** friends.
NTA
It seemed like Z was better at hiding it as for N he lost so much weight in a short amount of time it was noticeable.
I also understand having a major crush on someone and noticing more about them than my friends. It’s a different type of hyper-fixation (that I was not proud of).
Zane’s ED was much less noticeable. He was dieting, which you do when you lose weight in a healthy way as well, and the weight loss was more gradual. Going from obese to emaciated in 3 months is very noticeable and very serious. It sounds like Zane might have feelings for you and is jealous. He views this as you never noticing him. NTA.
Before people jump down my throat, a diet is just the food you eat. And calories in have to be less than calories out to lose weight. You can eat healthy food and a balanced diet and lose weight, that’s what’s I’m referring to. Dieting isn’t always completely restrictive, starving yourself or fads
YTA. Mind your own business. You don’t know the reasons for someone’s weight loss.
>I guess we never intervened
Yeah because this is about gossiping and projecting your own issues, not genuine concern. And again, you don’t know the reasons behind someone’s weight loss.
NTA. As most Redditors say time and time again, this is not a competition. Some ppl are good at hiding their suffering better than others.
You haven’t see you old friend for so long. It is obvious you will notice the difference immediately.
The other friend misdirected his anger. It is a common defense mechanism. Op, talk to him. See if there is anything you can help. Encourage him to seek professional help if needed.
Casually scrolling his workplace Insta? Sounds like you’ve been looking for any excuse to link back up with Nolan.
His “potential ED” is exactly zero of your concern.
Should you have noticed Zane’s ED? Maybe. Should you have noticed it before Nolan’s. Probably.
Should you have asked Zane about Nolan without noticing? Definitely not.
AYTAH? Yes.
NTA
There’s a few things going on here. Zane has worked hard on his diet including tackling his brush with an ED. He’s upset cause you contacted him to say about Nolan’s ED. Why?
If Zane and Nolan are still in contact Zane has already noticed. If he’s not what are you expecting Zane to do? What was your point?
You owe Zane an apology. Sounds like he had a moment of struggle and no one noticed or maybe it was just you that didn’t notice. However, you see a post of Nolan, who has been out of the picture for some time, and it’s obvious he is struggling so instead of contacting Nolan yourself you contact Zane. Is that because you know what reaction you’d get and you don’t want Nolan to think of you as poking your nose in his business but are not concerned how he may react to Zane.
Plus Zane may still be struggling, he may have things under control atm but that doesn’t mean he isn’t struggling everyday. His reaction suggests this to be the case to me.
Either contact Nolan yourself OR stay out of it. Others will have noticed. He may even be in therapy right now for all you know.
It’s ok be to concerned but if you are not in contact with Nolan there’s nothing you can do.