My (29NB) friend (32NB) is leaving their current shared housing situation due to some issues with the space. They find it no longer tolerable to live there.
They were due to move into a different shared housing space, but it very suddenly fell through. I don’t know all the details, they haven’t been shared with me. My friend, we’ll call them Eli, asked if they could stay in our spare room, even temporarily.
My partner (29M) wants to help. Says if someone asks for help, you help them, even when it’s inconvenient for you.
I disagree. There’s a character limit here, so I can’t go into all of the things that make me hesitant to house Eli even temporarily, but I can give brief examples.
-Constantly undermines every decision I make if I don’t give them my entire game plan for how it is going to work for me
-Undermines my relationship and speaks poorly about my partner and myself. When called on it, says they are just teasing. Does not take reciprocal teasing well.
-Previously left another friend high and dry for rent due to their own complicated financial situation
-Has two dogs with medical issues. We have chinchillas and I worry the dogs would go after the chinchillas, even if they are mostly caged.
-Has threatened legal action against multiple other parties (justified or no) I worry that if we take them in, they won’t leave and will drag out a lengthy process where we never get our home back
-I worked so hard to buy my house. It’s a small 3 bedroom in an HOA neighborhood and there isn’t even street parking. I’m worried we’d get fined having another car here.
Before you ask why I’m still friends with Eli, I put up pretty firm boundaries when they said I should save my money for a funeral for my partner rather than buying a house (my partner has some medical issues caused by his own negligence, still a horrible thing to say) and that they hope my house gets foreclosed on so we break up. But they’re still part of the greater group as a whole, and one other friend and Eli are inseparable, so we interact mostly in group settings now.
I want to say no, mostly because I think it would destroy whatever remains of our friendship. But I worry that Eli will be homeless if I say no. I’ve gotten mixed advice from family and friends, most of whom say to let them stay temporarily and get documentation that it’s only temporary, but I don’t even want to open the door for them to sue me.
WIBTA to say no, I’m sorry?
No. They can stay with the friend they are closer with instead.
Have you told your partner these problems? Really focused on the legal problems and such?
NTA.
NTA: This is a disaster waiting to happen. What you have is called sense. Many many people lack it and won’t get your choices, but you are absolutely correct to not light your life on fire for someone who isn’t even good to you.
NTA, the pets are reason enough never mind all the other reasons you have! Helping people doesn’t mean being stupid, and letting them stay with you sounds like it would be stupid. But you/your partner can absolutely help with househunting or meet them for a coffee if they need to vent. It’s okay to show up for friends without going above and beyond for them, especially when you know they wouldn’t do it for you.
NTA – Eli doesn’t really sound like much of a friend, just a toxic person in an overlapping social circle, so I wouldn’t want to house them either!
nta, you should not let them stay with you and you should tell your partner the thing they said about him and your living together if you haven’t already.
NTA. While you should try to help friends where you can, there also boundaries and limits. Offering assistance doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you. Sounds like she crossed that line a long time ago. All those people who think you’re wrong can be the ones to step up.
Nta, from experience- there are seven million ways this can go badly and negatively affect your life, your relationship, your friendships, etc.
NTA. Don’t give someone you barely like squatter’s rights.
NTA. Surely you’re not the only person in this whole entire world you can help them. They can go to that other friend whos inseparable. Anyways, they made their bed, now they have to lay on it.
You are well within your rights to say no.
NTA. It sounds like living with Eli would be unpleasant and possibly lead to all kinds of complications. You know your friend. You know this would be a mistake, and one that it could take a very long time to disentangle yourself from. My advice would be to avoid the headache and possible legal repercussions. Just don’t let Eli move in.
Nope. If you open the door to this person they will make your life miserable and you’ll have trouble getting them out. Your partner needs to understand that inviting someone to live in a shared space is a “Two Yes/One No” situation – unless you both agree, it doesn’t happen.
XH and I had chinchillas. His dogs destroyed the cage to get to the chinchillas and killed them.
Thats a hell no. You are asking for problems if you step into that KNOWING in advance theyre going to screw you over like they screwed everyone else over.
Say no. Blame the HOA if you have to. “Sorry, Eli. Per the HOA, only those on the original HOA application are allowed to live in the home.”
NTA\~Absolutely not. Eli’s current situation for housing is a direct reflection of who they are as a person (not paying rent previously and leaving a friend high and dry). If you allow this person into your home you are asking for the same issues. Protect your peace and your space.