I have been arranging my entire household’s lives to accommodate at least 3 "vacations" to spend time with my gma because she was feeling lonely. Spring break, time during the summer, and a week at Thanksgiving.(husband and I are late 30s & have 5 kids that travel with us. 3 school age +2 babies)
Gpa passed away about 2 decades ago and Gma remarried a cpl yrs after. Gpa was one of those guys that seemed genuinely perfect; happy, laid back, hard working, and super family oriented. In comparison new guy doesn’t measure up. He’s crude and thinks he’s smarter and funnier than he is. He’s always making comments that basically lets you know he thinks his family is great and ours is trash. A lot of my family members do have issues, but his isn’t any better! Drugs, laziness, abandoned children, and overall drains on society is a fitting description of a handful of people on both sides!! Not everyone, but both families have their bad apples. Gma is kind and respectful of his family, but he isn’t so much of hers. Because of this, Gma side stopped coming around and Gma began feeling lonely.
I have a lot of health stuff I deal with and was hospitalized a LOT with kidney, liver, and heart issues. So traveling was and still is challenging. I made it my mission tho to get the family back together and involved with Granny (& she <3 this and vocalizes it often). Most of them are local or at least within 90 min or so with one fam (we will call them the Smiths) being 5 hrs away and my family 13 hrs away if we drive non-stop.
Lately, they have been making lots of comments about how amazing the Smiths are and how they go above and beyond and do way more than their fair share. They keep giving money to help with the travel costs and vocalize how great Smith is and how thankful they are. Xmas they sent the Smiths and 10 other family members a card saying how much they loved and cared for them and included $1000 for each and a keepsake. We were not.
Her husband makes snide comments about my household and it’s just not a good place for me mentally. I always return home feeling like I’m somehow bad or less worthy and spend too long in my head trying to figure out what’s broken about me. I promised that I would come every year for Thanksgiving and at least see her then.
So AITA for wanting to only come for a cpl hours Tday and not come for anything else & not extend my stay?? It costs me and my husband a mini fortune every time plus the loss in wages for taking time off plus the headache with the teachers and assignments because we miss school and it all feels like it’s not being appreciated. She has also given my cousins thousands of dollars to help get them in homes (like 30k+ each) and never, not once, offered any kind of financial support to me even when I WAS really struggling as a single mom with health issues and hospitalizations. I’m really struggling on what to do here. And it’s really not the money. I just don’t understand why I’m treated so differently.
Edit: I got married 12 yrs ago (gma didn’t attend bc her hubby didn’t want to travel and didn’t want her to travel without him) and don’t have financial struggles anymore. We are business owners and have rentals, so the cost of making the trip was never really the issue. It’s more the extremely different treatments.
I should also mention that the Smiths are sil and one child. My brother and sil divorced and brother doesn’t come around much.
I would give judgement if this used paragraphs
Paragraphs.
Paragraphs please.
Can you ask your parent, their kid, for more information?
NTA. Why not level with her? It sounds like a Herculean effort on your part, only to spend a ton of money, not enjoy the time, and return home broken and exhausted. Send a note/card every week.
you’re doing 13-hour trips with 5 kids to get disrespected. at some point that’s not loyalty, that’s self-damage
NTA
Tell her that you will no longer be visiting because of how he speaks about you and your family while you’re there. That it’s soul-crushing not only to hear his views, but to watch her – your gma – do and say nothing as they’re shared in front of you. Tell her you are not rearranging the lives of you, your husband and children, missing school and work, to make a 26-hour round trip to be constantly put down.
Leave the money out of it so that doesn’t become the focus and the only part that gets told to everyone else.
Offer to schedule a weekly call instead.
Stop visiting and tell your grandma why in a very simple way. “You don’t appreciate my family’s visits with you and I’m resentful. If I’m going to give, it needs to be with a joyful heart. You’ve killed my joy, grandma. I hope the Smith’s keep going above and beyond for you. I hope your husband is a great source of comfort for you because I can’t stand his existence. I wish you well, and from now on, I’ll be going on real vacations.”
YTA for allowing yourself to be treated this way and putting your family through these financial and logistical challenges. Get counseling or therapy to get to the bottom of this self hate. Let the Smiths or the rest of the family help GMA deal with her loneliness if they are such wonderful people.
Yogginggirl has a point. You could mention to gma that you would come more often but it’s time consuming and expensive.
Set up a regular day and time to call on the phone and keep a date to call say, Sundays at 5:pm. Make that your quality time. If you have or get her an iPad or Alexa, you can even face time.
Points:
* Forget the money. Do you want to do the right thing and try to make her happy?
* What she does and doesn’t do for other relatives is not your business. Don’t get involved in ‘but heeeee gets..” or “you gave Joanie $$”
The situation is difficult enough without finger pointing.
Btw- You are NTA, just try to do the right thing and enjoy what time you have left with gma. Think of this as an opportunity more than an obligation.
You’re NTA, but as others have mentioned, you need to have a conversation with her. Right now, she’s taking it for granted that you’ll show up. She’s also taking it for granted that you’ll be civil to her husband even if he’s not civil to you. This should be addressed thoroughly.
I wouldn’t necessarily bring the money into this discussion, because that’s almost beside the point, although it certainly plays into the taking for granted part.
NTA. You need to protect your peace and health. Grandma seems oblivious to the fact that you live so far away, with a bunch of kids, and still travel to see her a few times a year despite how difficult it is. That is above and beyond in my book. It would be good to explore your emotions in therapy about the way she treats you because it is not your fault